Not a word
 

I get a call early yesterday morning as I take my Eva to school
Corissa text me she’s on her way to the hospital
I’m hurting
My neck she tells me
I give her her all her insurance information
Not a word
Not from her or her so called girlfriend
Distraught I am
Going to the cardiologist today after taking Eva to school
My heart just won’t stop
The fluttering pounds at times
It’s working so hard
I can feel it
Oh how frightened I am
Will be seeing the surgeon
So frightened
Haven’t had any time to relax
My mind just won’t stop
Up at four this morning
Couldn’t get back to sleep
We shall see
Alone I’ll be
Me

I loved the surgeon
 

He was impressed with my medical history I submitted to the office
With much appreciation and expressed how he wish more people would do as I did
It helped him immensely
So I will for now not endure a heart ablation
Rather there is medication that works on the electrical charges of the heart
Will keep me on Eliquis to prevent clots
As my memory stinks I forget the name of the drug that deal with the electrical charges to get my heart back to NSR
when I get it I will post it
He will see me in a month if no problems should arise
He was informative and I was very happy with his treatment
Satisfied
Me

All in a day
 

Bad news on top of bad news n top of bad news
My cancer results are showin something is wrong with my pancreas
My oncologist who I just seen two weeks ago
Wants me to come in
Doesn’t want to talk over the phone
Not a good feeling about this
Not at all
Me

I keep you in my prayers

I wake and wonder
 

Is this how it’s all going to end
What has it all been for
When you can’t see a end to it all
Never a break or an answer to it all
What’s happened to my life
Where is my mother
Why did it all happen like this
What did I do
Am I so bad
Do I have to have to go through this because I’m bad
It is much to take in
Life what life
I don’t have a life
Nobody to hold me
I have to take care of myself to take care of others

I don’t want to feel anything anymore
I don’t want to talk about anything anymore
I just want to hide under a rock
Me

Cannot relax
 

My bloodwork for cancer returned with concerning findings
Where the oncologist office wants me in nothing over the phone

My C19-9 high at 80.2 the range 0-37
My T3 low at 1.12 the range 1.49-2.60
My NRBC% high at 0.1 the range 0.00-0.00
My MCH high at 32.4 the range 27.0-31.0

In the mylogram test I had back around 2014 it showed I have what is called atherosclerosis calcification of my abdomen indicating scleroderma
Then the cyst on my l5 spine active and growing the thyrogloss cyst in my throat also active two D&C within the last 5 years abnormal bleeding
What could be going on
What’s wrong with my pancreas
All indications problems with the pancreas
And I have for more days to hold on
Not so easy
Not with this woman trying to stay in check with early detection
Me

What else’s is there to say
 

Having to hold on when my mind is all over the place
Heavenly Father controls it all
Yet this brain is all over the place alone
Alone

They are killing us slowly
 

There is the product I purchased at a local supermarket
It is biscotti almond cookies
I took notice that the package had changed
I then began to read the nutrition label
Only to find out that the formula has changed not for the better but to kill people
I purchased the product because it was extremely low in sugar and sodium and cancer loves sugar
I called the company and spoke to a woman and had given her the readings of both labels and asked why the formula had changed not for the better but to kill us
She was kind and gracious her name was Rose she put me on hold for a while came back and told me there wasn’t anyone available to explain to her why the change in the formula
She took my name and number and assured me that someone would get back to me and explain why the change
It sickens me how this country the FDA and how we all suffer from those who are making money and are slowly killing me along with my family and children
I buy organic milk as I hope there are no hormones added to it as everything being fed to our cattle along with the GMO’s owes it is a sad world we live in
Trying so hard to live preventative healthcare going to doctors and leaving with all elements that are slowly killing this body
Sad I am so sad am I
Me

One more day
 

This feeling s***s
Big time
Of all things
This the most
Never missed a day taking my tamoxifen
Not a day
Oh Heavenly Father
So much at one time
Just so much
In your hands my you cradle me
As I say to you
Thank you for all you provide
Hold me so tight I only feel your squeeze
Remove the evil that lurks in my mind
Please
Please
Please
Me

This sense of doom
 

If that could just leave
My mind is all over the place
I had a colon test less than a year ago
Clear
Having racked my brain
There is this problem I have had and was taken off the tamoxifen because if it
That be unusual bleed
But ruled it out having a pap this year cleared
Then I have a cyst on my L5
Had an MRI back 1-20-14
Impression
Osteomyelitis and or matastatic disease
A Thyroglossal cyst in my neck all active
So sad for this beautiful body
All I could do for it
Growing a mustache
Have to bleach it every week
Used to be once a month and trim above my upper lip
Having had very short hair and it is so long now
Can’t afford to get a cut every six weeks
It all just s***s
All of it
I like how I look
It’s become a job no joke
A freaking job
All I need is my lipstick
But now the hair is in the way need to use a brush
Nothing easy
Nothing
My daughter and husband will be with me today
I so hope it’s nothing major
Me