Pet scan and another MRI
 

hoping it will all end soon
Getting so tired
I just want to sleep
Me

Had such a long day I truly passed out
 

After tending to my grandchild
Bathing feeding homework
Come 8:00 we went to sleep
She’s in be by 7:00
We turned lights out
And I was out
Up early of course
Having to start a new day
Getting breakfast her lunch and so on
Just wish this sense of doom would lift
I just want to cut my hair
But won’t
Have to wait for clearance of pet and MRI

He hopes for me to have it by next week
I’m praying things will move quickly
Send hello to all
Prayed welcomed
Me

I keep you in my prayers.

Flecainide
 

This just to add to the others
Will with prayer and hope bring my heart to normal sinus rhythm
It works on the electrical charges of the heart
Me

It’s been a while
 

But the thought comes and goes
I hang in for what dear life
I live to raise my grandchild
As my body is failing me
I came to the conclusion I am qualified on so many levels
Why I wondered
Then it dawned on me
Am I being as I go through this life and all I have experienced so to give it away
Am I Heavenly Fathers helper
It is a lonely place to be
I have my Heavenly Father
my dignity
my self respect
I go through so much alone
Having cry every single day in sadness
aloneness
You may wonder
But she talks of Heavenly Father
I do
Even in the lonely life for me has to be for a reason
I look at the world around me
Being who I am
Standing my ground
Not getting involved with evilness
Something that goes on like turning the light switch off to on
And if your not part of that evilness your an outsider
You don’t belong
And that’s okay
I’d rather be on this side of the fence
So much pain so much sadness and the happiness short lived
I give what I know away
Just like my sobriety
I say to myself how can this body go through so much
I keep it to myself
I am told I look awesome
And I wonder to myself
How am I supposed to look
I hurts to wash my hair but I do
The lipstick I’m never without I struggle to put on as the hairs above my lip is getting thicker as time goes on I must trim it so so my lipstick doesn’t get caught in it
Why not wax it you may ask yourself
Never did
Never will
I bleach it
I shower
Wash my hair
I make myself smell good
My granddaughter loves to smell me and use my perfume I mix myself
I put myself in clean clothes
I have come to learn
I make things look easy and it’s not
It hurts
It hurts to put my foot down on the floor and stand
Yet I put one foot in front of the other
How am I supposed to look
Disheveled
Smelly
Greasy
Never
Never
Four children I have
They think because I do
I’m just fine
Well there are days I’m not
Days I hurt so badly mentally and physically
Most importantly spiritually
We all know what fine means
But make no mistake even in the times I need help most it isn’t seen or understood and that’s makes me very sad
Very sad as much as I too have to treat my children like a drink or drug hurts
but I must
So I put it off for another day
And keep putting one foot in front of the other
As that day will come
Not at my hand
I have much pain healing
There is a little girl who still seeks a mother that still lives
But her life is and always has been
Regretting having us girls
And not knowing her grandchildren or her great granddaughter
It’s that little girl that’s been abandoned remembering at the age of two
Heavenly Father knows all
Right
We are given promises should we believe
I believe

Not having a clue
 

Hard enough to beat the beast down and out every single morning
I speak of doom that comes to visit and wake me
Even before I open my eyes to darkness it so early in the morning
Heavenly Father I pray
Please don’t let it consume me
I don’t well it
It’s evil and I rebuke it
In you name I ask it be gone as I put my feet to the floor and get up to start the day
Hoping to hear from oncologist office today that they cleared the PET SCAN AND MRI
This having to wait as the system figures out if I need it or not is just the pits
So till then I’m a basket case hiding it from the world
Get up and do
Do like nobody’s business
No clue
No clue
Me

Answers finally but not without screwups
 

Tomorrow will be cats can with contrast
First thing after dropping off Eva to school
Monday will be the pet scan first thing after dropping Eva off
9:00
After that a MRI will be scheduled spefic kind my oncologist spoke with medical team with insurance company and told them it is necessary
So glad to have a doctor to fight for me
To get the answers that is riddled throughout this body
It isn’t just one thing
So frightened I am
I don’t want to think about it yet I can’t help it
My body talks to me
I listen
Listen very closely
And I’m doing all I can to advocate for myself
Not an easy thing to do
Yet
I’m pushing through
And doctors are impressed
How I put a history of my medical explanations since birth
22 pages
you read right but factual
It helped him understand what to look for
and ask me questions
My cardiac surgeon said how much it helped him on so many levels and wished more people did the same
It pleased me to know I could help myself in such a way and not be helpless
I won’t stop as frightened and scared I may get
Depression is always with me
Keeping me company
I ask Heavenly Father hold me so tight that it be the only thing I can feel
Please let my spirit be free of it
Free to fly
I just stinks fighting it all
Me

It couldn’t have been more botched ten it was
 

At the wrong facility
Not even in the system
Finally get to where I needed to be
And to late to start
I just broke down and cried
All flipped about this persons
And situation
Not a clue who they were dealing with
And I went off
Silence in the room
Not s word as I went off
Then the apologies
Did not want to hear it
Just give me the date and time I need to be here I said
Monday is cat scan start the liquid Sunday night
Tuesday the pet scan stat to drink excess water and fast
Wednesday the plastic surgeon
I came home and crashed after picking up Eva stopped for pizza and just crashed
I’m so broken just so sad
Me

Making coffee with tears
 

Still in freeze mode
Nobody to hold only to ask Heavenly Father
And I don’t mean only in a unwelcoming way
I so want not to feel anything I am
Squeeze me so tightly that it be the only thing I feel
Where is everyone
Where is the authenticity of the world
I have just but to give
I want the pain to stop
Just stop
Will that only be when I don’t exist on a physical plane
I don’t want to feel anything anymore
Happiness just doesn’t seem to exist
And you may think to yourself but you have little Eva
I do
And happiness exudes from her
She is growing so fast
I can hardly believe my eyes
She will be going through puberty soon
What is wrong with me
I ran around like a chicken without a head
And my body aches like no tomorrow
My back
Hands feet my entire being just hurt so much
It is raining terribly outside
So hard the wind even harder
I’m so broken hearted
So sad and broken
Me

Deep darkness
 

Having zero contact with my youngest
Not a care in the world
No where to be found
Utter disregard and for what
Used in everyway now when needed most not a word
Nowhere near
Sadness riddled throughout this body
Pain and suffering I have been through and it doesn’t stop
But for my child to disregard in the manner that she has hurts like heck
To see my son saddens me even more
He has to be kind to himself
They are getting older and suffer in their own way
Eva dear Eva
What will it be like for her
Today is the day all starts
Hold me Heavenly Father
Hold me so tight
Let me not fall
Hold me tightly
Me