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i don't want to feel anymore

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Old 01-28-2019, 05:00 AM   #781
eva5667faliure
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My Mood: i don't want to feel anymore
Default Holding on

With everything that is going on
Help me Jesus I ask
To have turned away from my family
The most difficult thing I ever had to do
And take care of my granddaughter and myself
May Heavenly Father hold me tightly while I stand before the judge for my grandchild
So tired of it all
Me
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Old 02-23-2019, 12:23 PM   #782
eva5667faliure
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My Mood: i don't want to feel anymore
Default Not to let emotions

Get the better of me
Keep me above water
Hold my right hand as I hold my granddaughter hand
I will never give up or give in
I have but one who knows my everything
That Heavenly Father rules
I am given exactly what Heavenly Father my needs
There is so much going on
Never did I think it would be as it is
Yet it is
And I donít have to go to the the negative
I will follow
I will speak his name
I pray with my granddaughter for those who do not have Jesus in their heart
This world has stopped believing
Nobody can deny that there was a man who walked this earth
And his name is
Jesus Christ
Crucified and died for the sins of the world
In Jesus I trust
May I never forget
And may I give it away
I am saddened by my children who have not a clue who rules
I did all I could and will not do anymore
If unconditional love is not in their heart but evilness and to hurt
I want no part of it
And the mother in me is what died

This is what I have to let go of
This is what I must let go of
I look forward to going home
When he calls for me
I still have work to do
And a child to raise with the love of God
Amen
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Old 02-26-2019, 04:18 AM   #783
eva5667faliure
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Default Judges

Who think they know better
When they donít
In fact to understand is to listen to all the facts
Not just selective
And because one is curious
Iíve been a child of being victimized by my parents
Both

Was sexually abused by my father while my mother turned her head

A father who committed suicide

A mother who told all three of her children thy were never wanted

I am no
Am not my mother

If anything I over protected
Never let a man come into my home and to ever come between me and my children
I sacrificed much of myself for my children
They owe me nothing
Appreciation would be nice
Understand even better
No Iím not my mother

Iím fact I wish I had a mother like me for myself

And I have to now go through crap
Having a ungrateful daughter who did not put her daughter first
Who doesnít even know twice she wold have been taken from her

She is has Aís across the board
Happy
Has the love of Jesus in her heart
She is old enough to express herself
And she did to her doctor
And DYFS workers over and over

And the judge is curious

Whatís wrong with people
He wasnít interested in anything I had to show how the fathers behavior is like
And the choice my daughter makes to be with him
Would not grant me order of protection

Iíve been through this already with my ex husband
And calling the police
The response then was
ďWe canít do anything till he gets thereĒ

I am disgusted by and with them all
Not one of them involved in my grandchildís life
Self absorbed in their nasty behavior they all have fallen into
And I canít look at them anymore
They hurt robbed and abused me enough

Enough already

Me
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Old 05-14-2019, 05:35 AM   #784
eva5667faliure
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My Mood: i don't want to feel anymore
Default Sadness

My heart just wants to give up
Not looking forward to an ablation
Fear of all the failed surgeries
Just to much to swallow
Having to decrease the flacainide that keeps my heart beating NAR the max 300mg causing side affects
Adema a no no to the heart
Thing is all that has go wrong with this heart is a direct result of stress
It all caught up and nothing seems to get it to beat in NSR
I have let go of my family
My youngest here home to help
My granddaughter fears what her parents are forcing her to do
She has no interest to be in their company
And they just donít care what her feelings are about and how they got to where they are
She is eight
A mind of her own
Back a forth to court
Next date the 28
So looking forward to saying what I need to say
I trust nobody not the judge or council
As I am a child who knows what itís like to be forced into something that I will never forget
A father who sexually abused me and my middle sister
A mother who knew and looked the other way
She forced us on him
He killed himself as Iím sure he knew I was ready to confront him
A mother who told us all we werenít wanted
Beat up by him like I was a boy
My marriage all for the wrong reasons
Smart enough to get out young
Dedicated my life to my children who are nowhere to be found
Wouldnít want them around me
Do not like who they are today
But I can look in the mirror and am good with what kind of mother I was to them
They still cannot see the sacrifices I made
Thatís okay
The day will come
For now I have one more to raise
A honor student every marking period
Well rounded
Happy
Yet a mother who puts her man before her child
That was never something I did
In fact I wish I let myself be loved
There were a few who were worthy
But put my children first
So sad to have gotten this far in life and my body failing me
I keep Heavenly Father close as I can
Eva loves to pray with me
She too prays for a miracle
That her Mimma be healed
A loving child
And I fell in love with her and will always fight for her happiness
Lots going on
One day at a time
Me
To add
Nursing sister fresh full right knee replacement
Left to be done next
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Last edited by eva5667faliure; 05-14-2019 at 12:48 PM.
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