When our mind is Dark, our thoughts easily turn to the Dark and Twisted, no matter how much we fight. We are vulnerable to our inner weaknesses, I offer no solution to this - I have little for myself.
However, you have the inner strength of your loving Faith to draw on. You have the outer strength of your Friends here, loving and willing for you to improve, to feel some respite.
Let those strengths support you through the days and nights.

Dave.

Dear Dave

I have you and so many others here
Who love me and keep me going
as i am near giving up
I am tired of everything
I have you and others keeping me
Afloat
Afloat
Amen

Dear Eva,

Regarding what your daughter said to you... please try to remember that sometimes children, even grown up children, say things out of their own pain that hurts us deeply. Then again sometimes they just say things for a reaction I guess. Sometimes they need a bit of tough love. Straight talk! It's not right how some treat those that love them the most.

You're in a very deep hole of a depression there at the moment. I'm not sure I've ever seen you so sad and in so much obvious pain. Apart from everything that's going on there at home for so long that is so complicated, it appears you have been left in a position of being responsible for so many despite your serious medical problems and subsequent treatments. I wonder if everyone just expects you to cope with it all because they can't, or is it that they know and expect you to be able to deal with everything because that's what you always have done. It's a bit different now. Things have changed for you somewhat with illness and time and changes and now it's really you who are the one needing the support.

I remember you talking on one of the threads about medications. I would have to wonder if some medications that you have been prescribed are perhaps not a good mix and if this is making you feel worse right now?

Considering all that you have been through, especially in the last couple of years, you have to remember that you are strong. You are strong and you will get through this period of time. You've done it before and you can do it again and if it feels too bad, please call for help.

Dear Eva,
While I had my short break I had the chance to see my Medical Records and found - unbeknownst to me - I was diagnosed with Depressive Personality Disorder in '89. I read up on this 'controversial' Psychiciatric diagnosis and now understand that - in some of us - our brain chemistry makes us more likely to become severely Depressed.
Perhaps your brain chemistry is similar to mine. The Depression is still there to deal with, caused by our pain, our inability to be able to DO, the way we are seen and treated…
BUT, analytically, IT'S NOT OUR FAULT! We cannot control the brain chemistry we were born with any more than we can control the colour of our eyes.
Our Depression feeds on itself, we give it power over us in our inability to break free. Accept our brains are different and take a little piece of relief in that.

Dave.

i am so compelled to get this truth out
i am in hope such as reading what you shared
HELLO MENTAL HEALTH
I SAID HELLO ANYBODY, ANYBODY
ANYBODY THERE
WHO IS NOT BEING HEARD
I AM SO SORRY
i am here
me

i have to also let you know
as the country is not serious
about mental illness
add to that physical ailments
the kind like you say
invisible to another
other than my bloody pain
and i find myself talking in a excuse like manner
never wanting to go there
my depression
without a doubt
a collective intrusion
i want so badly NOT to
feel like this

i am now on my way to apply for
medical insurance for
my sixteen year old
and granddaughter
appointment has been made
will return
and pick up where i left off
much love to the world
i am ill
this much i know
i have family with me
there is no option
me

today i have music on as i write
somethng i never did before

last week i contacted my oldest friend
Maureen
Yugoslavian
we pick up where we left off

today i called a lover who i also know
as long as Maureen
we went to grammar school and high school
together
he wanted to know what was the honor of the call

as he has no clue it
my last intimate time
with him or anyone
he has no clue
our last time together
I say this not to be vulgar in anyway

we were watching SNL
though we weren't intimate
on that night he kissed my right breast
kissed me good night let himself out
i had no clue of my lump yet
he has no clue how memorable
everytime i look at the beautiful
picture of myself and right breast
so i never would forget
brings back memories

when i called him and told him
about having them both removed
this man called me night before surgery

I'm glad I called
and he answered for if just
for one moment in time
he then called the next day
called to see how i was

that was a bit more than two years

glad i did

we have a long history just because of time
and it's been in bits and pieces through the years

divorced
a father of a son

as much as i don't want to feel

i'm glad i called

we will be together in the future
so he would like that
and yes
just because at a very tough time
as a woman
him knowing of my body
called
the man called
him alone

and he doesn't know
how it has affected me
in a very good way

i'm glad i called

and he will touch me
and bring me back in time

if just for another moment in time

he seemed happy
and i did too

this i would very much like to

FEEL

me

dearest Lara

you have certainly been paying close attention
thank you for being real

to be brutally honest
i do this hoping others will talk

i have never be in a state of depression
that tugs at me
to just do away with myself

i have learned that my culture
will take their own life
to inflict harm an sadness
this my father did for sure

i know my mental issues were living
in this body when i saw my father rape my
birth parent under the age of five
clearly vivid
frighted me (mother) to the core
as i remember so much more
when living in South Africa
where i and my sister were born

my first attempt to kill myself
i opened the Bible said to God
speak to me
randomly opened it

Psalm 6
verse 6

and decided to hang around

until now

watching Mass this morning
the message seemed to be just for me to hear
though certain many felt the same

i don't know when my depression took over
BUT IT IS HERE with a vengeance
it has been a while now
and i must talk about it
for its grip is solid

as the sermon message was
"stop making excuses"
and as much as the pain turn to anger turn to blame
turn to i don't want to go anywhere

yes Lara
i was that kick butt mom
until i became ill physically

this is what i do
something needs fixing
i am the go to person
come to think of it
i have been the go to person
since as tiny as i can remember
So God, strike me if what i say
isn't the truth

i have had many adversities in my life
some i brought on myself

i don't understand
with everything that a woman goes through
just on a monthly basis until our
menses stops as child bearing years should be over

am i disappointed sadly
as i have made adult decisions
for the better of my families mental health
and survival

whatever the status might have been in the past
I KNOW i put my children first
even before my drinking would start
no missed doctors as they grew
dentist, glasses
overall yearly well check
not to have anyone to teach me
of the importance
but i knew

and then they grew with much knowledge
i passed on to them

and then they grew even more
mentally
gave them as best i could
the understanding
there IS something greater then us
God
a foundation
a beginning
to an end
i do not want to go on anymore
not anything i believe my children
understand
as they to tried one by one

it is only now for some Godly reason
i have no desire
my sadness indescribable
i have been weaned off Zoloft
as i was unable to handle the side effects
from the femra back to tamoxifen
Zoloft lessens the effectiveness of my
cancer drug

so Lara
my brain is not right with all these changes
just the drugs themselves

then you bet they think i can manage with
what is at hand
and i can't Lara
i can't without hurting
i want out of my own head
and there is only one way that can happen
shut all the lights out

what good am i
i have reached my threshold

just call my child in asked her if outside my room
the house is in order she says yes
i say okay i'll come and see
she says please don't come out
i wanted to tell her i don't ever want to come out
but i didn't
she has her own issues at almost seventeen
where can i help when i am in a Devils hole

i cannot even take myself to a hospital
to take care of me
my grandchild needs me to be okay
or she will be taken

my body for the most part dictates
what the day will be like
then the brain always there
and always conscious of how i can
or can't be a part of the world
and that world was my immediate
family
now i come to you and this place of others
who have helped by reading about what has happened
to them physically
oh the remorse i have for a man i trusted with my body
failed me
and never respected his oath
never to harm

so Lara
i am at the end of the tunnel
the light has turned to amber
chips that have given there all
i was to late
just to darn
late
and worn

today Gods word
i am not to make any excuses
i just will be
just be

i send you much love
holding just holding
me