Dear Eva,

Regarding what your daughter said to you... please try to remember that sometimes children, even grown up children, say things out of their own pain that hurts us deeply. Then again sometimes they just say things for a reaction I guess. Sometimes they need a bit of tough love. Straight talk! It's not right how some treat those that love them the most.

You're in a very deep hole of a depression there at the moment. I'm not sure I've ever seen you so sad and in so much obvious pain. Apart from everything that's going on there at home for so long that is so complicated, it appears you have been left in a position of being responsible for so many despite your serious medical problems and subsequent treatments. I wonder if everyone just expects you to cope with it all because they can't, or is it that they know and expect you to be able to deal with everything because that's what you always have done. It's a bit different now. Things have changed for you somewhat with illness and time and changes and now it's really you who are the one needing the support.

I remember you talking on one of the threads about medications. I would have to wonder if some medications that you have been prescribed are perhaps not a good mix and if this is making you feel worse right now?

Considering all that you have been through, especially in the last couple of years, you have to remember that you are strong. You are strong and you will get through this period of time. You've done it before and you can do it again and if it feels too bad, please call for help.

Dear Eva,
While I had my short break I had the chance to see my Medical Records and found - unbeknownst to me - I was diagnosed with Depressive Personality Disorder in '89. I read up on this 'controversial' Psychiciatric diagnosis and now understand that - in some of us - our brain chemistry makes us more likely to become severely Depressed.
Perhaps your brain chemistry is similar to mine. The Depression is still there to deal with, caused by our pain, our inability to be able to DO, the way we are seen and treated…
BUT, analytically, IT'S NOT OUR FAULT! We cannot control the brain chemistry we were born with any more than we can control the colour of our eyes.
Our Depression feeds on itself, we give it power over us in our inability to break free. Accept our brains are different and take a little piece of relief in that.

Dave.

i am so compelled to get this truth out
i am in hope such as reading what you shared
HELLO MENTAL HEALTH
I SAID HELLO ANYBODY, ANYBODY
ANYBODY THERE
WHO IS NOT BEING HEARD
I AM SO SORRY
i am here
me

i have to also let you know
as the country is not serious
about mental illness
add to that physical ailments
the kind like you say
invisible to another
other than my bloody pain
and i find myself talking in a excuse like manner
never wanting to go there
my depression
without a doubt
a collective intrusion
i want so badly NOT to
feel like this

i am now on my way to apply for
medical insurance for
my sixteen year old
and granddaughter
appointment has been made
will return
and pick up where i left off
much love to the world
i am ill
this much i know
i have family with me
there is no option
me

today i have music on as i write
somethng i never did before

last week i contacted my oldest friend
Maureen
Yugoslavian
we pick up where we left off

today i called a lover who i also know
as long as Maureen
we went to grammar school and high school
together
he wanted to know what was the honor of the call

as he has no clue it
my last intimate time
with him or anyone
he has no clue
our last time together
I say this not to be vulgar in anyway

we were watching SNL
though we weren't intimate
on that night he kissed my right breast
kissed me good night let himself out
i had no clue of my lump yet
he has no clue how memorable
everytime i look at the beautiful
picture of myself and right breast
so i never would forget
brings back memories

when i called him and told him
about having them both removed
this man called me night before surgery

I'm glad I called
and he answered for if just
for one moment in time
he then called the next day
called to see how i was

that was a bit more than two years

glad i did

we have a long history just because of time
and it's been in bits and pieces through the years

divorced
a father of a son

as much as i don't want to feel

i'm glad i called

we will be together in the future
so he would like that
and yes
just because at a very tough time
as a woman
him knowing of my body
called
the man called
him alone

and he doesn't know
how it has affected me
in a very good way

i'm glad i called

and he will touch me
and bring me back in time

if just for another moment in time

he seemed happy
and i did too

this i would very much like to

FEEL

me

Dear Eva,
My Sister phoned me today. I told her about my Depressive Personality Disorder - the first person in the outside World I have confided in.
We talked about our childhoods, the lack of Love expressed.
We talked about the hole inside me.
She understood, and in understanding made me feel that bit lighter.

A good day for both of us.
I said there was someone Special waiting for you.
Keep playing your music.

Dave.

Eva,

That's great!! Yesterday's (2/16) post to you (thread: making a choice every day) I had written "I wish you love". Also, mentioned a friend, or neighbor, etc..
Glad you were met with memorable responses.


Gerry

I did what I never imagined I could
and respond as I did
A comment remembered
"That's your job you are the mother"
REALLY
REALLY
It never stops
Until I shut them out
WHY
me

Dear Gerry dear Dave

I have not said anything either
I feel a lump like mass under my
right arm pit
The glands just bellow my ears
where both upperers and lowers
are held together
It is swollen both sides
am I nervous
You bet
My cancer I found in the right breast
I don't talk about it
All I say is something is not right
To say stress has zero to do with
my failing health
If my hair could hurt it would
IT'S JUST ALL OVER

just had my shrink session
Wants to start me on Effexor
Please anybody on this medicine
Kindly share what and how it affected you
I have been put on several
The trouble is my cancer drug was changed
again back on the first one tamoxifen

Femera added to the pain in my hands and feet
To be known this be a side effect many complain
about painful hands
I had the stupid thaught my hands are useless
already how much worse can my hands feel
forget a scale of happy to sad faces
indescribable
So
When on Femera I now had to also get off of
Zoloft
Bad withdrawals
Even with careful proper weaning from it
Sweating in the sleep cycle
Must change clothes sometimes twice in the sleep hours
Everything I wear is cotton already
so i have had to walk away to do things
for Eva
Corissa is at her program
she is slooooooooooooooooowly getting it
i will be awaiting a call for a conference father should be there
we will see
we shall see
till then
i did all i could
i hate
utterly HATE how i feel
being impeccable with my words

for you both
Jesus bestow upon my wonderful
friends
who remind me of my "sunshine"
from my innocent grandchild
may you find Joy from her natural
giving of
Love
me

EVA,
HAVE YOU MADE YOUR APPOINTMENT WITH GYNY?? HE NEEDS TO CHECK LUMP. NOT SURE IF YOU STILL GET MAMOGRAMS; BUT AS YOU ALREADY KNOW, LUMPS DO NEED TO BE LOOKED INTO. PLEASE DO NOT WAIT.


Gerry