i'm so sorry for what you're going through eva. i hope and pray things will get better for you. you have helped me so much with my struggles and i hope you know that i am here if you need a friend to talk to too. you are a very special person who is very much needed in this world. sending heartfelt thoughts your way.

thank YOU for the love
me

I find safety in sleep.

dearest friend
the support i get and need is right here
help me pull through things i cannot do myself
thank you for your love also
me

Jesus I'm so scared how things are happening
so quickly
My whole right side of my body hurts to the touch
I cannot wear anything against my skin
It hurts and burns so badly
But explain the relief when I scratch the crap
out of my back
You know that counter pain
THE KIND OF PAIN THAT NEEDS TO BE SCRATCHED SO HARD
YOU SWEAR YOUR SKIN HAS COME OFF
WONDER WHAT I SCRATCH WITH WHEN IT COMES ON
MY PENCIL
and what I also notice is my back area upper
what we call our chicken wing that is the most
sensitive area
My sweet spot of neurological pain I cannot take
ANYTHING FOR
I remember when it first became an issue
Never knowing it was the beginning of my body
breaking down
I love in an area that is considered extremly toxic
NEW JERSEY HAS A STRIP CALL CANCER ALLEY
the factories along the NJ TURNPIKE
I watched the towers come down that is how close
I am to
the toxic air I breathed since coming I to this country
back in 1966 to date as I am still in the same area
The pain the pain
See my shrink today
Have so much to talk about
Be back later
All have a great day
Love
Me

Something terrible is going on with my hands and feet
Yesterday again out of nowhere a pain shot into my right big
toe I sat and watched it happen with my daughter as witness
This is not the first time
I have had the same thing happen to the inside of my hands
I will post a picture of that one also
Scared I am
I go to my pain specialest today with pictures in tow
As my daughter will come with me to doctors to confirm
I did not bang into anything
It starts out with a sharp pain
Then the troubled spot would be piercing pain
As pain increases the vien in my toe underside swelled with
blood the whole toe swelled
Then the pain subsides and a large bruise black and blue and
purple
This just another dangerous thing to happen
I suffer from bad circulation no surprise my mother me and
another sister suffer the same
Only I am the one with the swelling pain and then the bruise
I am very scared
No circulation of any blood to an organ will die
I certainly do not want to loose any parts of my body
then I already have
I think you get the picture
The hands are killing now as I type
It is darn frightening
Love
Me

Dear Eva,

I am so sorry you have yet another thing to contend with, it really is not fair how issues keep mounting up, one after another. As if we did not have enough with our mental turmoil.

I go for a CT scan on my liver and abdomen next Wednesday to try to find out what is causing my bad Blood Test Results. One more worry.

Dave.

jeez Dave
is this not the truth or what
my doc wants me to see a hematologist
hasn't a clue
will get my kid to post one of the two pictures
that shows how bruised the unknown pain leaves
it is so scary when it happens
you stay well as you can
praying test give answers
love
me

The vein that blew in my toe
This isn't the first time this has happened
It is however the first time on my foot
Most time it would be my hands
This scares me
Pain specialest said go to hematologist
He does not know why the bruises happen
Asked if I was still taking my Meds of tamoxifen
My chemo in a pill
There is a good picture in the camara where my
hand thumb area on inside of hand
As the pain starts to begin a piercing one will slowly heighten
then the surrounding veins begin to fill with blood and swell
I swear like something out of a horror movie
Thank goodness my daughter Corissa was home
It too frightened her
Then a feeling of a popping
Like a pimple would come to a head and bam pop and release
After that happens the whole area I experience the pain becomes
a huge bruise
If I wouldn't have taken pictures
And the perplexed look of my doctors face when viewing
my big toe
But the best was in the camara picture of my hand and thumb
This now my new fear
I ask the words I did not want to write down in words or even
verbalize
"Can I throw a clot"
Answer
"There is a chance"
"You need to see a hematologist"
Oooooookay
What now
What the fudge else is going on
Why are my veins swelling with blood and just burst
Can anyone understand
Why this body does not want to feel anymore
I don't want to die sick and young
If it is this be Gods plan
I don't know what to say
There has always been bad circulation in the family
Ironically an Aquarius will suffer leg and feet problems
The star are so far yet so close
You know what I mean
The agony to start the day again
I have been following the Discovery Channel
There is a family of nine that includes mom and pop
The are call the Brown family
Living the Bush life
Found land in Alaska
A family so close in the Spirit of love
Five boys two girls
Well ironically two nights ago
a new season show is on
Mom is emergency vac with the film crew there
Diagnosis crushing deteriorating veterbre
Her entire spine degenerative
Her chief complaint neck
I watched her and sobbed like a baby
Because of such a hard life on the body
It is now breaking me down I feel beaten down
Is it in me to fight in the start of my day
I try real hard not to stop doing what I love
But I always comes with a price
This too I understand
Wh what a way to live


Will post some more later Meds kicking in
Going to TRY and get some much needed sleep
I retired in about three in the morning
And up at seven
Love
Me

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It is real
It is not welcomed
It comes to visit me while I sleep
It is even in my dream state I am aware
what is happening
I wait listen in my dream I can feel it begin
to settle in my gut
The core of me and just wants to control
all else that will follow
I will awaken in a very uncomfortable unsettling
entity and when it manifests into a physical way
I'm screwed for a bit
I try and be very aware of this and am doing my hardest
NOT TO SLIP AWAY INTO THE ABYSS
with no way to return

Depression sucks big time
And just because I was diagnose
with deep depression traumatized by my dad
At an earlier time in my childhood that I took
Into my adult life
Now I am trying to live
somewhat of a life with all these
issues one moment at a time
Love

Me