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02-04-2016, 09:41 AM | #241 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Without fail
I am stirred by my companion pain and sadness Such terrible sadness Fighting a battle that is welcoming me into the abyss Oh how I hate HATE the feel of what is taking over Then depression finds me My pillows drenched in tears Every single morning Not knowing what the heck the day has for me I have no desire to want to go forward For what I cannot get it right Don't know if I ever will Not much time in the world lately Not much to offer anymore Not much I can do anymore Not much of anything These days that go by are forgotten I just don't know what to do anymore I won't do anything I will go with the flow Nobody's watching Not much time left Just ticking away Like a time bomb Waiting to just die I have fought the fight Nothing in the end changed So why even try These fingers I make move every morning give them movement for what The pain never leaves me I drop everything My hand and feet are changing The skin nails brittle I take care of them I never let them go My teeth I haven't been to the dentist about four years now Granted he did not have much to do with my cleaning especially the plaque I have my own instruments available at the drugstores I have noticed a quicker build up of plaque And the mouth a sign how the body is doing Getting my pap missed one year this last pap Never missed a pap So there Never say never My fingers burn with such pain I ant stop scratching to counter the feeling I can't take it anymore I don't want it anymore I have given my all I have been lied to all my life Fifty five young And feel double that at many times lately I don't like the way I must live I isn't living I'm just existing There isn't much left Corissa soon to eighteen Eva ready to start kindergarten And that it Eight children Sara Michael Christine Corissa Eva Zackary Gabriella Patrick I have had a heck of a run with raising them Remember all gifted They needed activities and that's where the huge backyard the had to do so much It was a large yard I rented the first floor from my mothers and dead fathers home Lived there for twelve years after my divorce They were at the cusp of the technological way of life They were the first to have the first once the computer world took over And took many children in the process My son one of them My soninlaw another Still to date video games They are in their early thirties Come on I'm not computer or techno smart I am mistaken for not paying attention I can see back then who became obsessed And it was treated like a drug alcohol or any other problems that come along with addiction Jeez To take the phone away was the indication who had a problem or even possible tendencies I am a smart cookie I pay close attention in areas where others may not look at as a possible indication a problem is on its way And I was there always understanding Because I am a recovering alcoholic And was blessed to have been bitten I too just turning thirty Took two more years when I picked myself (my way of thinking) applied it That year was 1992 That too all for what To have to take these meds that can harm me such as a heart attack if by any chance there should be another "SANDY" How many of us suffered I never abusive with these meds Had if I remember four or five days advanced in the way of me Falling asleep at night and only because of that I have had additional You get the picture Point My heart already is affected in ways now that have to do with being under medicated me and my doctors know this I'm not sure my body could handle a full withdrawal case And we all know another "SANDY" is inevitable Scary would you not agree I so don't want to have to put another medicine to my mouth There are two doctors I must see again and it isn't a easy task I have a good indication something is up Wouldn't be surprised if down the road I will have an oxygen tank as companion Changes are happening I especially feel it when I take shower that causes steam to fill the room it isn't the inhale its upon exhaling that has changed become difficult I know my body well The stress at this level MUST HAVE TO TAKE A TOLL ON MY BODY MIND AND SPIRIT is evil it's cancer It's that horrible domino effect I have what left in my life I have to what fight the fight I won't kill myself But I must fin a way to kill this pain All of the different pains I must find a way The day has passed I'm another years older I am responsible for my own happiness God help me see the light I fear I will never get a chance to love be loved in return have a special someone who is willing to be my "one and only" I've gone it alone I understand when one speaks Being alone Being lonely God the Father I believe As to be true to myself always is what I practice Hoping I am pleasing The Lord I am falling Falling hard Me
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someone who cares eva |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | EnglishDave (02-04-2016), RSD ME (03-21-2016) |
02-04-2016, 07:16 PM | #242 | |||
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Magnate
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Dear eva,
I feel when you are spiralling, it is not the eva I like to read but it is understandable on so many levels. Always know that we are here to listen, to understand and to share the burden is some small way. Dave.
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You and I are yesterday's answers, The earth of the past come to flesh, Eroded by Time's rivers To the shapes we now possess. The Sage - Emerson, Lake & Palmer. |
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02-05-2016, 10:58 AM | #243 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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I want to kick it to the curb like I have been
and took it by the horns road that rough bumpy ugly place for long enough Darn i did it without a someone walking around the house with a towel wrapped around them Again I bring this up because it really was something I decided at a very young age twenty four single and had a job to do and raise my babies I followed through No regretting Can they not at least understand and let that be enough I cannot be asked for anymore than I have already given of myself to a fault Is it that what really gets to me way deep down What the heck is my shrink for And what he said was You are left with suffering when I explained what happened Suffering As if I do not understand Am I not blind deaf or closed minded I have fought so hard along this road called "Life on life terms" No school for it Learn as you go I would like to think I have been taught well I would pay very close attention to what mattered I forgot Me
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someone who cares eva |
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02-07-2016, 09:34 AM | #244 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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I look and see a red thumbs down
Ask my daughter how did that get there She said Mommy you must have accidently hit the thumb I look at it and said to myself Way to go Eva Let me get the strength to get going today Not be in pain misery Let me not be angry That nor mother or father came for their little girl Eva She is so happy There were fireworks yesterday across the river It was a half hour show My granddaughter and I just in awe I was a kid again Only after ten minutes I could not hold my head up Today I start with the spirit All the pieces in my life do not make sense Yet I am here for some reason I haven't given up yet I am here I will do my part Love Me
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someone who cares eva |
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02-13-2016, 09:14 AM | #245 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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It was five in the morning
After final shut eye after one this morning Math tells me that's four hours Is there anybody Anybody who experiences what it is I do Before I stir in my sleep to wake Just as this morning It is in my gut My belly physically feeling this unwanted doomed feel add to that the inability to do anything about it My shrink knows With him also we tried so many meds to help this horrible situation I am going through What caused me to stop with the meds my shrink was administered only to find myself in suicidal mode two years ago And I cannot shake it off The drug was Lexapro This may have been the fifth or sixth drug trial and error All did not help and caused my body to go through hell with the withdrawals Yet who gives a turd about that I want to know what comes to visit me in my sleep and wakes me into the day and it is sadness me all over again And the vicious cycle begins I come here to let loose on what is happening For anyone else out there who feels like they are just about going snap just cave in and shrivel and die I am what my attitude puts out I hate how I am And hate HAS come from my recent writings A strong emotion Hate what my mind is doing to this body To feel like you are fighting yourself And in reality I really am beating myself up to the point of self destruction And no oxygen to fill these lungs fully to take it all in Instead I am gasping for air that isn't polluted by humans who have hurt and would like to continue to hurt me has to stop It just make a mess of me mentally Where do I put the stuff that's going on Sure I would love to throw it away Addiction and recovery is the ultimate goal here when in that situation This is my fight and I do not want to give into depression Oh it's there I know there is no sweeping it under the rug for mr Why am I visited in the morning with instant horrible gut feeling And fighting that gut can take a bit of time Oh sweet Mary I am so tired My emotional state broken My shrink thinks I have what it takes to fight If only he knew what physical fights I'm talking about I don't want to feel anymore I won't kill myself I won't try anymore with my family Let them figure it out I'm still in that same position many times I'm still trying to figure out crap that's real in my life How can I not feel happiness Why can't I feel it Love has nothing to do with it IF you love unconditionally You need a spark in ones gut I try every single morning Do my meditating to try and rid the terrible feeling of doom Come and write here and share my live story Just the act of working my fingers is a blanking challenge I am challenging myself constantly These unwelcome visitor that come to me each morning is so strong it frightens me I call upon my angels and pray Help me It is robbing me of Me
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someone who cares eva |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | RSD ME (03-21-2016) |
02-13-2016, 09:53 PM | #246 | |||
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Senior Member
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The Goddess of Dawn "Eos" with her rose coloured fingers visits us all in the early hours, I believe you are strong enough to stare her, her brother and sister down, tell them you are not yet ready to rise up to the light, tell them to leave you be, tell them you will let them know when you have no more will to fight, but for now, you have the presence of mind to want to stay and their constant visits are not welcome.
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I can still remember what life was like before pain became my life long companion |
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02-14-2016, 11:02 AM | #247 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Quote:
any positive forces i welcome i all evil i rebuke in the name of Jesus and call upon the angels thank you i will now do some homework on "Eos" love me
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someone who cares eva |
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02-16-2016, 08:27 AM | #248 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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us humans
my dog my precious dog he is old has a tumor in his brain Cushing's disease my companion until moving where i am my eldest has him i miss him with all my being a brain tumor pituitary hormones hormones hormones in his case he suffers all the symptoms how can such a wonderful canine such as our silky terrier be so lucky come to find out it is common in the canine world what is wrong with me why is my body behaving as it does the bruises of my hands and feet undeniable yet the two doctors on my train have my life and body in their hands either one no clue both scratching their heads in my pooches case in hindsight he exhibited all the progressive stages of Cushing as a young pup always overly active when i seen him on Thanksgiving i was heartbroken he can hardly walk i offered to help with some ideas to make life easier some area rugs so his feet can grasp the rug under his feet so to help him along i know he is taken care of they said they had gotten doggy insurance pray they did the times he would love to lick the tears i was already shedding come towards the end of our time together and then all the water he would consume i just don't get it innocent he was my unconditional friend who NEVER let me down hurts to watch him walk doubt i will ever see him again just another thing to find a place to shove it it is all this kind of stuff that is killing my spirit my dog is old and sick and we are not together who loves their animal knows what i speak of the void the anticipation of his passing drawing near will just about put me over the edge i see his eyes looking into mine as i think of him is this what growing older is suppose to feels like there are so many women out there who move with ease at my age i do not look my age yet i do feel what many older people suffer my gut tells me i too whole heartedly believe my hormones running out of control throughout my entire lifetime causing many things to follow and go wrong i felt my hormones at work nobody was listening to me hormones that does affect our bones depleting it i think of Sam when i write this he is at the age where his hormones could be affecting him also it is my belief a week before my monthly menses all would stay away i KID YOU NOT it was during my menses would my own children my co-workers knew and seen for themselves what my period did to me until my changes beginning around forty five the sweats there are others who know what i speak of POINT hormones controlled much of my mind and then body still not taken seriously by the gynecologists world i know my body nobody was listening nobody this back in the late seventies to date my body i also believe it too has something to do with inflamation of the body a first sign of something is up just think about it then as we mature and mutation begins as we are born actually even in utero we are given the genes of our lineage then we have environmental and how we choose to live our lives meaning what we put in our body a vicious cycle always erring to the side of depression compound by all i have not let go of is killing me even quicker sadness robs us of experiencing life is my life over am i just waiting for the day i don't take a breath to leave my loved ones behind without resolve is this what growing older is suppose to feel like i really don't think so but it is exactly what is happening to me hormones have taken my life and my cancer it alone is estrogen driven go figure so sad right at this moment and this is how i stir every morning fighting this vicious thing called depression me
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someone who cares eva Last edited by eva5667faliure; 02-16-2016 at 09:10 AM. |
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02-18-2016, 06:18 AM | #249 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Having a tough start again
Yesterday was shrink Today pain specialist Next week oncologist And not a thing to say I will finally GET the results of blood Done almost two months ago Fifteen pages I want to know what my oncologists Remark meant Hand are so painful I have to itch them Anybody Anybody Is it just a freak thing that's going on The pictures do not lie No denying something is causing it to happen My mind It stirs so early in the morning Having to write As this is meditation time Trying to fight off depression Talking to myself Trying to rid this feeling Nobody Nobody should have to live such like this I tell my shrink all that is happening Do not leave anything out And no progress involving this feeling I have come to visit me every morning The story all know by now And five o'clock this morning no fail Awakened Me
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someone who cares eva |
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02-18-2016, 08:31 PM | #250 | |||
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Magnate
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Dear eva,
When we choose to see a Shrink we have to lay it all out there. It is the only way the slightest progress may be made. Waiting so long for Blood Test Results is never ideal, but hold onto hope - perhaps your Oncologist has found some answers, or at least a clue to pursue to a conclusion. Wishing you so much luck with all your appointments. Dave.
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You and I are yesterday's answers, The earth of the past come to flesh, Eroded by Time's rivers To the shapes we now possess. The Sage - Emerson, Lake & Palmer. |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | eva5667faliure (02-19-2016), Lara (02-18-2016), PamelaJune (02-19-2016), RSD ME (03-21-2016), St George 2013 (02-19-2016) |
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