Hi Eva. I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you and sending heartfelt hugs your way.

Feeling it
When I need it the most
Blessed am I with wonderful
Lovely people here
Warm ones
Me

Two days MIA
calls
I'm on my way home
Walk on say do you want to see my tattoo
I said
No
Mr

Never sugar coating it
Seeing for themselves true to the way things really were
They say all the time
I didn't know we were poor mom
I did my job
After divorce
Back to work
Nights to the very end of my working career
Never sitting on my buttocks
Always on the move
Excercising back to school trying to go into the medical field
How far from that was I
Vowing never to work in city hall
And where did I put 12 1/2 year and it mean nothing
Nothing
Like that over night
When I turned forty
My eyes first thing that changed on the downhill slide
Between Corissa and her kidney troubles
And OMG the hospital stays and doctors
For three years of her life to have that wonder will she make it
She was 3 1/2 months old
And when she took off for a few days coming home with i he only kidney infection
Never even thought yo take her temp
That I expected
A thermometer so important in my lifetime
Not to be taken lightly

Going off topic
I just learned
The above tenant did what I said I would never do and that was take her to court as I had management handle it
And the charge even though dropped needs to be expunged
I am mortified
Just beside myself

So with my body that I have no control over as it is breaking down as it is
And doctors have no clue what's going on with veins in my hands or feet and why they are behaving the way they are
I was taken off tamoxifen after 5 years
The veins don't swell as often and no bruises so there may be a connection to the happenings of my feet and hands in connection with the cancer medicine
I see my oncologist next week
So looking forward to seeing the pain specialist for a torodol shot
It lasts me about two weeks
Anything to relieve the constant pain

Do I go into depression mode
No
Do I wonder if something changed with me
Most certainly
Do I have to put up with the I know better attitude
And them not to even try a be receptive to what I have to offer
A hard thing to step back from
I will not let my children hurt me anymore
Because the separations alone is tough enough
I wish them happiness in whatever they do
For them to love what they do
To love who they are
To know they matter
My walls are up again
My father really did a number on me
Taught me how to build them up quickly
And just as I'm almost done
I remember by doing so
I shut out Jesus Christ
My constant
My everything
Heavenly Fatherto hold me up as I remember who is in charge of it all
To not want to feel is my life and because I have to be vigilant and not let myself be victimized or let it consume me I must do
Now to do homework on how to handle this
Numb
Me

I don't want to feel anything
Let me turn it over
Trying to erase what was said this morning
Letting it go
Not to feel their shortcomings
I have myself to take care of
I have to take care of myself
I am good for nothing if I don't let it go
It cuts me up
And I don't deserve the way my children manipulate me
Shame on me
I must stop and start my day over again for the third time
After hearing from my middle sister
Someone who calls when she is overwhelmed and needs reasoning she turns to me

And I say to myself again
Eva let it go
Letting it go
We shall see
We shall see
How this works for today
I will be selfish and take care of this person
Turn to Heavenly Father and just do
One step at a time
Me

Dear Eva, you are such a strong woman, despite our infirmities we, you and me, just crack on. There is a reason others turn to us in their time of need, and those that expect us to continue to be "just us"! We feel this feeling inside and it builds as those around us blithely carry on in life treating us we once were. The difference we are noticing is not their behaviour, it is ours. They have not changed their ways, they have always been selfish & manipulative but we were so busy being consumed with getting on with life we didn't take time out of our day to let them know their behaviour is unacceptable. So here we are, now in our prime, and we've been dealt a cruddy hand. Our bodies are failing, our minds are not. Now we see with open eyes and hear loud and clear the shortcomings we (in love) kindly overlooked.

It will not, and is not selfish to look after yourself first. Think of it as a kindness, better they learn now to look after themselves and each other while we are still around to give them kind yet firm guidance. Yes, you may have said hurtful words, but they are just words, not swords, it seems those around us have very thick skins, I doubt our words pierce them, it is only us who suffer with guilt after, they have already moved on.

I'm trying a new tack. For everything anyone does for me, I use simple words.
Thank you for your kindness. How thoughtful of you. I've stopped doing the small things which assembled building blocks & stairways to anger in my mind. I don't get up at 4 and feed the dogs, the alarm goes off and I hit snooze, twice sometimes three. I haven't fed the dogs for a week. But they are being fed, to begin with there was a duplicate snooze button going off. Now it's just my own. That warm body lying beside me is up and out of the bed as soon as the alarm goes off. Needs must - my needs!!

So dear Eva, be selfish and know it's not selfishness but a kindness after all. The old saying you have to be cruel to be kind, comes to mind. Only we are not cruel, just selfless.

You beautiful warms soul
I need you to know
I have taught myself
Not to respond especially with any horrible words
In return
They cannot say o went there
I do however say things and do not follow through
Giving once again the benifit to a possible change
And I then tell them I need you to remove yourself from my life right now
I am being pulled down with the negativeness that lingers on for way to long
What I have done was block them
Not allowing them to her me or my grandchild to hurt
I will share with you
My granddaughter returned home Saturday after the father said horrible things to her
Crying at my door before running into my arms
She blurts out
Daddy said I'm the most boring child on the whole wide world
I was crushed
Brought me back to when o was a little girl and what my father and mother would say
And I'll leave it at that
I SO WILL take care of me and protect Eva
You are so on the money when you say
It is exactly how you said it
It is how I react
So on point
Thanks for reminding me
Love
Me