They will not leave me be
I'm not doing okay
They don't ask
Are you okay mom
Anything I can do for you
It's ALL ABOUT THEM
AND I DONT WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE
SO I BLOCKED THEM
AND IT DOSENT FEEL GOOD
BUT HEY THERY ARE JUST FEELINGS RIGHT
ME

I have no control of
Horrible things
I can't even talk about
From my children
I don't know who they are anymore
And who they have become
Especially my youngest
Nineteen I had a job my OWN apartment
Took a leap into the world
Never looked back
Raised them the best I could
Forgot about myself as I worried some fool could do to them what my father did to me
Thought I was protecting them
Worked nights while they slept and my baby sister would sleep at my home and I would be home by 6:00 in the morning to get them ready for school
Not to miss me and this went on until I woke up one day feeling like I had a terrible stiff neck
As I continued and took my shower hoping it would help it did not
Made my way to work
It escalated to where I was rushed to to hospital
Crushed disk
Blown
X-ray revealed and all went down hill in every aspect one could imagine
Including the sexual violation upon me by a transporter and two nurses in my room
Then the cancer
And the botched job what is known as a double bubble
And my family who I needed as tiny as it is
We're nowhere to be found to date
Having failed second surgery to fix the first one took my life
And is failing as the days go by
Yet I still push
There is a child
My grandchild who needs me in every way
It would be so much easier with just a little help
And I am done asking
They all know
They were there to hear what the doctors had to say
What's left of my life is my own fault
They owe me nothing as I would do it all again if circumstances were the same
I do however expect them to respect and appreciate how far I went to help them go through life
Teaching them they are responsible for their own happiness
God to come first
All else will follow
And I am falling apart and have to not let my mind play on me
When I have only Heavenly Father to turn to
It is I who gets up and feeds her baths her teaches her loves and plays with her with all the pain that isn't seen by the naked eye
And my adult children know this
I do not look for sympathy
I'm not that person
I'm a do do do until done
Alone
Alone
I am tired
With a nut who lives above me and have had to go to court
Finally she will be moved
I would take children feet running back and forth over the sick behavior and I mean not well as this excites her to wake me in the early morning hours
As I cannot return back to sleep and I begin to go through withdrawals
Never never to take my medication when it begins but stick it out till 7:00 in the morning
My body is broken and needs rest when I retire
Taking it to the office and taking it to another level
New Jersey Housing Mortage Finance Agency made some waves as I have all the proof needed to show she's unstable may have been the ticket as this morning I got word they are moving her out a single woman lives alone as there are families cramped in a studio or a one bedroom with children will get the apartment
This makes me happy
For it is a very corrupt building
And I'll leave it at that
Never have I had to go through so much
Only Heavenly Father knows
Ashamed I am when I say I want to throw in the towel
But it is so difficult
I just have to trust my Fathet knows best
In him I give my trust
In him I will follow and carry my own cross and hope never to have the feeling of wanting to give up
Ashamed I am
In Jesus I trust
In God I believe
Amen

Wanting to know everything that went on as a little girl
My son who can't keep from getting high
All brilliant in their own right
And I say if it took 56 years for me to want to throw on the towel over my children is nuts
My son to want to pick fights whenever crap hits the fan
"Mom I'm not as strong as you are"
This is the crap excuse that is used
Not let me take it by the hand and do what is suggested
Instead he asks his partner to call 911 if he is unresponsive
Tell his partner that his behavior is the tip of enabling
He tells me he would never go behind his back
Whatever that meant I have no clue blocking him asap
I have zero respect for my boy
What upset him was I said
"I will support you when you get on the wagon"
OMG
NOT GOO ENOUGH
He needed me to say
"I believe him"
I don't
Not when he tells me I got this I don't like the rooms
So I said to him
I will NOT BURY ANY OF MY CHILDREN
my granddaughters mother released from a rehab
Because she is a liability to the facility after a x-ray that showed two herniated discs in the cervical area and I forget the termanology another finding cystic in her spine vertical
Gets her meds picks up a bottle of barcadi and winds up in the hospital on the brink of death
My eldest
A request of pictures of my dog sent on my iPod that was fried lost the pictures she sent me on the day he passed
Her giving me lip and not to ask her to do such as it is a trigger
I was furious
FRUIOUS
TRIGGER
TRIGGER
I haven't picked up a drink with all the triggers thrown my way
OMG
WHATS WRONG WITH THAT
have come to learn she like the sauce
So everyone of my babies as smart as they are have no clue
One day at a time
Not to let their problems become mine
Ya see when I need someone to talk to I'm told I can't talk
Really
Yet I must be available as they tell me
"It's my job"
Really
I will not bury any of them
And I cannot understand why I keep thinking to myself he (my father had to have been really inebriated and on many pills confirmed as per autopsy"
When I talked myself into it
I had no nerve
And thought
The drink made it easier
I "HATE" pills
HATE A WORD I EVER SO RARELY USE AS IT IS SO POWERFUL
AND CAN SEE MYSELF DRINKING INTO A DEATH
But praying for it to pass is my blessing
My youngest stealing momey from her father as I learned as she hadn't been home since Sunday
And thinks she can return Monday as nothing is wrong
Having sex in a another parents house
As in the beginning she was interested in women
Yup two gay children
No hanging with a bisexual girl and has begun to have sex with a young man who has sickle cell trait as does my child
And I have no reason to worry or be in fear a child not be a statistic and she become pregnant
That child has a 1 in 3 chance of living a horrible life of pain and eventually die of the disease
And I have no reason to worry
The chance of death all around me
Save us all
Save us all
How did you leave us
Is always in the back of my mind
Wipe it from me Father
Amen

I don't want to live like this anymore. I told one of my oldest friends yesterday on live messenger. She cried and got angry and said a number of times don't you dare do this to me. I won't, I know only to well the impact it has on others. But it's true, I don't want to live like this. I've made a decision I am requesting some sort of formal notification that states DNR. I wonder can I get a medical Bracelet that's says the same. I'm tired. I'm tired beyond belief. DB looks at me with bitterness these last few days. He says I'm being critical, of him. How much more supportive can I be. He's slept this entire time it seems I've been in hospital other than the days he worked. Things around the house easily done not done, not touched at all. I hired a cleaner to come in and do things, I gave clear instructions. DB went to the garage and slept the 8 hours the 2 cleaners were here. He came out when the cleaners left and rang the agency to say cleaner needs to come back, job done badly. I think they must have watched Tele all day. I get home from hospital Saturday & I've been in contact with the agency today. they're coming back again tomorrow. We spent $475 the house should be sparkling, all I asked for was the empty curtain rails to be dusted and damp clothed down for the new clean curtains to go back up. I asked for the skirting hoards to be soft dusted and soft damp cloth to remove the dust cascaded down from having cleaned the curtain rods. None of this has been done. I asked for the windows to be cleaned in the grooves between where the windows open and close. Wet clumps of dirt all left behind and the windows cleaned in a sporadic effort. You can see smear wipes, as soon as you enter and cob webs galore on the outside. My sister came in and said she would have done it all for $500'cash she can't believe the poor job done. I'm not having a go at DB why is he taking everything so personally. Why is he being so horrid to me. Does he think I'm happy being in this pain and having to go to hospital. I've been told I'm not to bend, lift, stretch or reach and under no circumstances do Pilates. Which is what the PM specialist told me to do. I'm over everything. What's the point in living like this, my husband looks at me with bitterness. He tells me he took 3 of my tablets while I was in hospital, he couldn't help himself but at least he didn't drink. He says he can't do it if I'm not here. How am I supposed to respond to that. I'm not his saviour. No wonder he resents me, I stop him from in his mind having fun, I make him feel guilty in his mind for not having fun. I'm tired, I've been home 48 hours, he's not offered to do a single thing for me, asks instead what am I cooking. I'm done living like this. I'm not someone's mother, I'm not someone to be made to feel guilty be used I'm unwell. I didn't choose this life. I hate it. I don't want to live like this anymore. I can't even walk out the front door. My cane has been replaced with a walker. I'm over it.

Oh and I got the breast mammogram back. It says I have a dense tissue mass and have to have an ultrasound for more conclusive results. The generic testing they did is insufficient to pick up finer detail but the dense mass tissue warrants investigation. I haven't got the calcium score test from my heart test yet, no doubt I'll get a letter from my GP sometime this week. The neurologist surgeon who saw me this week, sadly not taking on new patients says he will write to my PM in very clear terms and tell him what needs doing with me. Funnily enough I've been asking for bone scans for over 12 months, my back got worse after he got me doing Pilates. Sorry I'm rambling. I'm feeling very upset, vulnerable and useless.

To fill it with Heavenly Father
I asked to let me see
Let me see
Holding on to a way of life I am not used to now
To hold on to Heavenly Father as I slowly slip in to abyss
Not a place I want to be
Here in this cruel world
There still are many who show compassion
As they did down at the beach
On that day for my grandchild so happy was she
To sit in the sand and build her castles
And a stranger to pick shells for us
All day long
To have fallen to me knees as I just could not make it out
My baby sister getting the car and bring it close
To remember each and every person that stopped to help as me and Eva waited
Bless each and everyone that came to my aid out of concern
To see that compassion still lives was so comforting
As evil tries to prevail
I won't let it rob me of my desire to know Heavenly Father
My baby girl standing on a pillow caressing my back
Father bless them with your touch
This my wish for them
I have a hole in my heart
Where I held it safe for no one to enter
Taken from me as a child
Teaching myself what to do with it
And here I am 56 wanting Heavenly Father to fill it with his love and promises
I love my babies
I do no like who they have become and I know why
Riddled with addiction
They come to me as a post to lean on
Cut me down when I suggest what I know to be the only way
GOD GRANT THEM THE SERENITY
TO ACCEPT THE THINGS THEY CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE OF TO CHANGE THE THINGS THEY CAN
AND FOR THEM TO SEE AND UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE
I was all they knew
Now the most recent accusation from my very angry son who believes I held them from NOT having any contact with their father and the harsh cruel words never to be forgotten
All I told him
I cannot let him drag me down with the lies he spewed out of his mouth
Their father
With no resistance I hoped he would be the father to them
WAS awarded visitation rights
Never did I dispute it
In the divorce I clearly made it that he continued to be in their lives
As they were 2-1/2, 1-1/2 and 3months old
Never did I keep them from him
In fact I did not want any connection in as far as spousal support
I wanted nothing
I wanted that the children be awarded child support and insurance as he worked for the auto company General Motors able to have what was rightly theirs to have I got nothing as it was my wish
The judge granted the divorce
I had them ready to go with him on every Sunday 8:00 AM-8:00 PM
BUT THAT WAS NOT THE CASE
He never showed
Had them ready the following Sunday with no pickup
It was the last time he ever seen them
As he was obsessed with me he lost sight of his children
This is my belief
Never did I change my phone number I never hopped home to home as I had nothing to run from and I told my turdy son
If he wanted to see you all he needed to do was excerise his rights given as per divorce
And even if he believes this idea
Why did he never take me to court
No answer other than I am a *****
So no falling into his trap to blame or pick a fight with me
I am so sick of their selfish blind idea
How about a thought what it took to raise them to be happy best people they can be
To enjoy life as it's theirs to make
And to love the job they choose to work
Yet it's all my fault
The few who know me say
Stop beating myself up
I don't
I am sad they do not want to see the sacrifices I gave them
They owe me nothing
As it was not their fault
They did nothing however to not respect how far I went to protect and take care of them give them fun made them my priority means nothing
And that hurts
The I want
The selfishness exhibed makes me sick and shocked it turned out like it did in the end
I took life by the balls
They must do the same
And I got sick it's like they have joy watching me suffer
Sad I am
Let me have the strength to raise this beautiful loving child who loves me with her all unconditionally like my furry companion with Heavenly Father
Let me fill that hole in my heart with your promises Heavenly Father
Let me see you
Let me see
Amen
Me

To find my way out of this is a nightmare of a roller coaster ride that doesn't want to stop
Oh how I call upon my Savior to hold me tight through this time of dispare
It is killing me as I try and stay focused on "You"
There is no pain greater then to watch your babies suffer addiction and not find their way to you
Bury I will not
I will not
I have such sadness that is affecting me
Not in a good way
Sure a good cry can be refreshing
But when you can't stop
Or when the tears just don't come is even worse
To have nobody to talk to about it anymore as many are gone
Who wants to hang with this sad soul
But I am able to give an ear shoulder a hug if needed
I am so tired of feeling like it would be so much better not living so I don't have to feel this way
My body hurts so badly in this weather
Just kills
All this for what
I have given up so much and then so much more taken at my prime
To think of all that wanted to marry me with my babies
And they were babies
But because my fathers sickness and stripping me of so much
And not let a stranger take advantage of my babies was all that would go through my mind
If my father could do what he did
I just didn't want to take that
All for what
And thinking about it
All for this
It hurts to wash my hair
Who who will be there to help as time goes by
What was I thinking
I was thinking I have to protect them
As to not have loved and be loved in return
Just thinking about it
Feels so terrible
Especially when I want someone to lay their hands on me
I'm so sad about how this life changed me i am closer to Heavenly Father
But this sick mind when it wonders off of Heavenly Father is dangerous
And not healthy for me
This much I know for sure
The stress because I won't stay fixed on my Savior and let my mind do and go places that is so unhealthy first for my spiritual connection
My serenity is at stake
How quickly it happens
And it is something that should be in my control

As it starts in the mind and let myself run with it
Therefore I have nobody else to blame but myself
And shame on me
And yet I have to say to myself stop thinking about all the things that happened
I made it through it all
But again reliving it as I watch my kids
And they can be really mean

I must let go
Help me let go Heavenly Father
Help me let go and not rehash it anymore
Enough already
It hurts to hard
Me

You must let it go Eva, like you say. This life of constant duress by your children so distressing for you and little Eva. We are but a blink in the eyes of the narcissistic loved ones in our lives. They will notice when we are gone only because they will have no one to unload their crap on. But even that I'm afraid we'll be a selfish notice and a mere thought oh well I'll give some else the irits. We didn't sign on for this life, it is not gods plan. God is telling you and me, be strong, stand up for your rights, you've done it before and you can do it again, yes your hurting, physical and emotional, it's maybe our penance. But he is telling us dear Eva, enough is enough. I can hear him loud and strong. The pastor came to see me every day in hospital she bought me a felt heart made by a parishioner, it hasn't left my side other than when it's been washed. It's a sign I'm sure, the hearts been washed twice, it didn't fall apart, sure it change colour a little, faded just a touch, but it's a sign, life can and will go on, just to a different beat and with less colour.

Having to block them via phone is something I cannot do yet
A call when she is thought of
Every. Ishtar at 7:00 mom calls as arrangements are made for this little one
There is still a window the phone
It rings all times of the day
And not every night
She understands time
Now my youngest calls and Eva comes in to say pick up
Titti wants to talk to you
And what would you think comes out of her mouth
"I did something I shouldn't have MOM
What can I take I drank to much last night
Passed out and I can't stop throwing up"
My child
Do you know why you are sick like you are your body is toxic it needs to get it out"
How to turn and go deaf
I cannot tell my grandchild you cannot talk to your mom her bff my youngest
Oh PamelaJune you are on point
On point

Shot herself up with her insulin
So do I am fried
Just fried
It's an fed up day
Just way much for this human

At the end of it all