Three chores
The doctor
Drop the scripts of at pharmacy
And food store that took most time
In so much pain
Got home st 6:00
Washed Eva up
Fed her dinner
Put groceries away
And am in bed it’s 7:16
My body is crying
Just crying
Me

This the doctor I have been with since I was 49
I am 56
Having had shoulder surgery himself
May he have felt under the weather
Asked
If I’m awakened at two because my knees feet all joints
Having a heartbeat of pain
And not able to return to sleep
Never ever have I gone to my meds and ever taken one more than prescribed
As time has gone by may I have slept when a dose was due and to close to my next intake I actually have reserve
So I asked
Should I take a breakthrough oxycodone or a Xanax
I too loath the feel of the withdrawal of Xanax
As I’m only in two 1mg twice a day and weaned myself of the third
There is no doubt I need the two tried to remove them all
No can do I truly need them
My anxiety affecting my heart
So he says as he is at the door walking me out I’m still in the chair
Says to me
Your strong
I said I need to return back to sleep
Having no sleep and waiting fir my morning dose is hours away and I begging feeling the withdrawal symptoms
Starting with a severe headache
He says not Xanax take a break through
That be 5mg of oxycodone rather a half
You don’t want to run out
I felt hurt
As I wanted to bring him all my bottles of toxic drugs that put my pain at a minamal
I have never ever abused them
In fact it is why I asked I wouldn’t put anything in my mouth without his consent
I felt horrible
How good you look Eva
My pain was at an 7/8
Told him if I could let myself cry of pain it would be in buckets
Also showed him pictures of my hands and feet that clearly shows something is going on
And tells me not in his field
I said I understand
But just to show you what is happening
And told him the doctor he sent me to for the second time told me your at the wrong doctor
Had zero to say
Hurt I felt
Pain I was feeling
I don’t want to hear how good I look
What the f does that mean
Am I to look disheveled
I don’t get it
Pumped my scripts out in a snap may have had 10 minutes at most
Left feeling wore

To my sister PamelaJune
It’s been so many years I have been to a salon for a hair cut
It is somthing I am blessed with the ability to cut hair
I began to cut my own with the aide of Corissa
She would follow my direction I would do the front
At one length a t ears length
My hair was short like Ellen DeGeneres (my spelling is off I’m sure)
Back in my waitress years having long hair
It hurt so badly by the end of my shift having to put it up cut it short
Many would call me Demi Moore like in the movie Ghost with the late Patrick Swazy (spelling again)
Point
Couldn’t put myself in the chair anymore
And when taking a leave from my municipal job with no pay I too had to cut corners
Having longer hair is a bother for me
I get frazzled when in my face or around my neck
But it is what it is
Up at 4:00 this morning
Couldn’t return back to sleep
My morning dose starts at 6:30 rather then 7:00 having to take care of Eva
I take my break through with half of my 1mg Xanax along with the other meds such as blood pressure muscle relaxer multi vitamin cholesterol then at 7:00 a.m. take my 60 mg of OxyContin and the other half of Xanax
Since having to go it alone I began taking a half hour earlier and the rest at 7:00
Hope you were able to follow that
As Eva eats her breakfast I take my meds with my morning coffee aware of the palpitations it could cause yet it be a help with the headache but it being warm help dissolve quicker
Then I read scripture to get me started in my day

So in the end felt like poop
And had to do so much before coming home
At one time it would have been a breeze

Next Wednesday I have my oncology appointment
Cannot wait to talk to him with the changes (hormonal) as I have spotted and have a discharge I never had before
Not normal for me
When I was taken off the tamoxifen by the oncologist it began
Did much homework on it
I hope he has answers
He too has seen pictures of the veins in hand and feet
Had extensive blood work
That’s when my mutation MTHFR DNA
dimer was okay indicating clots
That is the fear
Why much of the end of my writing never posted baffles me
I will be making an appointment with my pulmonary dr as he is also my general practitioner or primary care
One doctor at a time
Me

My mind is left to go all over the place
With everything that is happening
And our last time together leaves me worried
I won’t be descriptive
It’s all over the place
Nothing good
And from the other children they used me to comfort their hearts and mind
Especially my son
Starting a new job my baby sister helped him get
Last I heard from him in a text was five days ago
And that’s that
Cannot stop this mind from working like it does
I pray for it to stop
But I’m worried
Very worried
Done
Me

For the first time tradition I have made for my family out the window this year
Having it with my baby sister and Eva
She is making reservations to dine out for the Thanksgiving holiday
My son calls asks what are we doing for the holidays
I said to him
All I have done over the years is out the window
My youngest tells me u have to be at the table
Sure
But like the persons who go to mass on Sunday’s and forget the other six days
I told her why should I be subjected to pain of all kinds just to please everyone else
He asks if he could join me and my baby sis
Told him he would need to talk to her
He is different
Asking me to take care of me
Yet how does that make any sense to me as I have been open to the help I look for
To be estranged from my eldest on her
But it hurts
Oh how I would love for them to all be here
I have a huge dining room table
To hold us all comfortably
Not this year let me be miss if I even am
Let them feel what I do if they even think of me that way
So my boy wants to spend it with us
Sad I am that the family is spread all over the place
I pray healing is around the corner
And we can one day be together and not just for holidays
Eva needs her family and so do I as my baby sister does too
Depression a powerful emotional roller coaster
It’s killing me
My body so broken
Tomorrow I go to the oncologist
Let’s see what he has to say to the pics of hands and feet
Me

My daughter came home late last night
10:30
Unlock the top chain mom
What a good feeling it was
And when Eva woke this morning
And went into the room
I stood and cried
She ran into bed and became one with Corissa
Oh what a sight
Just minutes before whole making breakfast
She says
Mimma there are two songs that make me sad
I asked why
She says because it makes me think of titti
She had no clue that she was in the room
Oh how happy she is
This makes my heart sing
And I know it will just be temporary
Just for a while
But enough to make this mom and grandma happy
Depression go away never ever come back another day
Today oncologist
Let’s see
Let’s see what he has to say
Then after that have to see pulmonary doctor
So many doctors
And no one can figure out what’s going on
But I know this body
And something is brewing
I feel like it is coming to a head soon
Afraid of having a seizure
My headache abnormal
Nothing different
Lipitor added to my meds intake cholesterol off
But it’s more than that
Me

I know my child
Know her well
It isn’t that thing
That he will change who she is
Who knows better I do
I know my daughter
And I am on the money
Let her to be true to herself
Let her not be used and abused
As the his manhood will not change
Who she is
And to live a lie is not to live
To have a mom not her friend her mom
I know
She is not a toy
Not a puppet

We talked and talked and it was good
Let it continue to be better and better than before
Be true to yourself
Just the truth
Amen

Tomorrow see
He returns to the rehabilitation facility she left
With a hope and prayer
She will stay
Hope and prayer
Way much on the plate
Have to move on
Tomorrow isn't even here yet
So we shall see
Me

Is one year my dog has passed
I miss him so much
So much
My time with him just before passing
Together for mor than an hour
Just the two of us
He licked all the tears that I cried
Oh how I miss my friend
Until we meet
Forevermore missed
Love me

I am so sorry you lost your dog. I lost my first dog in 2011. He was my best friend and I miss him every day. I still feel his unconditional love and have Faith that we will meet again someday on the other end of the Rainbow Bridge. I believe that you will see your best friend again someday too. Though the pain of loss never fades, I hope it helps to know that I understand and that you are not alone. Hugs and Prayers to you my friend.

I know the pain well my dear friend, I've had many dogs over my lifetime, I've mourned them each, but one in particular, my Holly, she died of cancer in 2009. I still have her ashes and they will be buried with mine. It's not that I loved her anymore than the others, she was just more human, my mother says often she never knew she was a dog. She was the child I never had. I still cry when I think of her, typing this and I'm crying, I well know your pain, but know that he is safe in your heart and loved for ever in your mind, no old bones or aches and pains, just at peace.