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02-15-2018, 07:00 AM | #1 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Everywhere you look turn
Something horrible is going on Having to push through this life today Is so hard Keeping a face on for a precious child Who knows her mimma so well “Are you alright” she seeand knows as my mobility is comprised Something new brewing Today to the doctors This time my left shoulder Brings me to my knees Don’t know what I did to myself It just seem to come in putting in my coat Out of nowhere it comes brought me to my knees Slowly breaking down Keeping this mind and spirit in check There is a special someone who came yesterday Said I wanted to come in person to say hello Not via text Brought my
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someone who cares eva |
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03-01-2018, 05:44 AM | #2 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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You would think not able to get in a good night
And when it happens something to wake me a 4:30 in the morning One of my grown up child calls And wants to meet with me Cause that’s what she WANTS no reguard for my getting my sleep in when I can Things haven’t changed All still the same Some days better than others No help when I need it most And bothered when someone wants what they want So tired of it all The emotions are still up and down Got to keep moving forward as there is a child who still needs to grow up And grow up happy is my goal Her happiness means everything to me Will she remember the things we did together The time is going bye quickly Life should have been an adventure Should have could have And all WANT WHAT THEY WANT Me
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someone who cares eva Last edited by eva5667faliure; 03-01-2018 at 12:40 PM. |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | ger715 (03-03-2018) |
03-12-2018, 06:05 AM | #3 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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For so many in my family
The phone just won’t stop And yet in my own life not a concern All I am asked is please don’t leave us Please your all we have I think to myself Heavenly Father You are all I have I make that choice to get up and out if be in the early more hours to get this child all ready for her day No help And a tease with a possible interest quickly fizzled I’m so okay with it And find it easy to let go as so many more important things come before me And when will my family see and understand how they are priority I will never give up on them To hear from my boy who is also in a very very bad place All I have to say to him as I do to my sister who is in the same place as my so It is a choice to not pick up It’s all one moment at a time To keep it simple To put it off for another time I don’t want to hear I’m not as strong as you are I don’t have will power It’s all about choice Making the choice not now not today It is very difficult If anybody knows this momma does A choice So sad Just so sad to see it take life from them as it strips me as I won’t turn my back on them Me
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someone who cares eva |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | PamelaJune (03-12-2018) |
03-14-2018, 06:15 AM | #4 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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I don’t want to feel
For what I do feel is not happiness I don’t know why But that’s what I feel It strips me of is much energy mentally Sucking the life out of me I do not speak of my physical pain This I have learned to live with But something Something happened to my brain I wasn’t always in this state of mind It’s debilitating and I don’t want to feel it anymore Like a monster lives in me It visits me in my sleep just before I wake In fact it wakes me as I cannot return back to sleep Not able to close my eyes with the disturbances around me If I got four hours I’m lucky I meditate first thing Pray that Heavenly Father hold me so tight I loos thought of whatever is draining my life into nothingness A horrible horrible experience having to experience it I so want it to go away As the only one who knows me Is Heavenly Father I cannot hide what is real it is work Hard work I believe wholeheartedly it is hormonal that makes depression even harder to deal with Having stopped my estrogen and not addressing what comes with doing that alway scratching my head Why isn’t anybody listening to me (my doctors) Do they really want to keep me to themselves As it is profitable to them And then my job taken loosing my insurance Forced to retire as I cannot return to the working world I crave happiness like a baby craves the earth of a mothers arms My mother not in my life By her choice hurts Even knowing she did not want us My heart not acting normal as the fluttering is there I feel I After I see the vascular doctor I must find another cardiologist When in the hospital this past September the attending cardiologist recommended I get another nuclear stress test How easy to advise But it is so difficult to find one I can trust Insurance I have is not lucrative pretty much on my own finding a good one But it is on my list of doctors When I go for my pap I will talk to my doctor about my hormones See what he has to say I have been provided a site I am looking into But till then This doom that lurks in and around me I want void Me
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someone who cares eva |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | PamelaJune (03-17-2018) |
03-15-2018, 05:03 AM | #5 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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The dark blue waters becoming black
Deeper and deeper I go As I hold my breath And then a breath of nothingness It’s all gone The coolness of the water The blinds keeping the sun at bay Into the abyss I go A new place A place of calm No words Nothing to reach for as I float into nothingness It’s doesn’t hurt anymore Free I took the leap into nothingness Oh how much easier it is NIW Am I lost No I know where I am It’s easier when there isn’t anything left All I ever wanted was to feeel happiness Searching for it has come to an end in the world that lives How far will I fall deeper and deeper I go To find my way I have drifted it doesn’t matter I did my very best Don’t I get a turn Don’t I matter Only in my Fathers eyes Asking to be held so tightly So it be the only thing I feel Countering all that has happened I have learned so much Put it into practice And the monster keeps coming after me Jumping in is all I have left to do Deeper and deeper I go into the abyss What’s in the other side Who lives in this world of nothingness Calm Calmly I float And then I take a breath I’m here never to have left Oh come and take me It hurts to move ahead I’m lost in this place I once knew Afraid I am To live like this anymore She comes to me and I have one more One more to raise Don’t let it come and get her I am her everything The light has come back on when she walks over to me and say I love you mimma
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someone who cares eva |
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03-16-2018, 05:30 AM | #6 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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4:30 this morning
Hey chest fluttering till I woke Has I left Absolutely not My pressure 210/146 Took my pressure meds asap a half of a1mg Xanax A bit calmer It is over me like a blanket Trying to control my thoughts As this I know is situational The stress level over the wall A doctor must listen Having a feeling it be what takes me out Calm I must be Calm I want to be There is nobody to take my place and tend to this child who deserves so much more than I have to offer What I mean by that To give her the air to breath Ride her bike I told her this summer I would teach her how to fish As I did as a little girl There isn’t anybody who take me seriously All because I get up and do till I drop There Is No Help None If anything the phone rings off the hook Sleep deprived I am Physically broken Mentally distraught And I pray Father comes to me and holds me tightly Keep me alive as I fall This is not a way to live I want to laugh Die happy Laughing What is that It’s been so long You know I wear a mask for her And she see right through me See sees my eyes She knows her mimma Why can’t the others see All I hear is mom sit down your Face ID all red Why not where I want to be your actions affect me It be the reason my pressure is up No help and I ask for so little The things that I know what helps Why can’t they see what she sees Why Why do I concern myself when I get Nothing in return It’s my own fault The way this mom is wired I wasn’t like this before I got sick then to have my cancer take my feel good natural hormone It was shut down asking my child to help me as I am not computer smart to venture into what I believe to be a way out NOTHING this includes my dictors I feel it should be mandatory for doctors confer with each other if there is mor than one they go to This be the real way to help a patient But NO Heaven forbid that be a practice To much work So tired of fight my body Trying to keep it going It is so much work And nobody’s listening Along with my family even when they can visually see it happen Me
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someone who cares eva |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | ger715 (03-20-2018), PamelaJune (03-21-2018) |
03-20-2018, 09:15 PM | #7 | ||
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Magnate
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Eva,
Not sure how I would manage without my Faith in God. When I was pre-teen girl; my mother worked nights; parents separated a few times before the last time when I was 11, my Dad left. My Dad stayed in my life. I was often left alone with my who is brother is 3 1/2 yrs. older than me. He was very temperamental; and still is (Never married all he has is my 3 children who look after him since my mother died in 2002). The Church was only a block from our apartment and was open 24 hrs daily with the Blessed Sacrament exposed. I would go many nights by myself and just sit in Church.....That really helped me since I was fairly depressed even as a child...... Today, I feel those years have instilled the desire and faith I have. I go to church weekly. There are many chapels next to Churches that are now having the Blessed Sacrament exposed 24 hrs. Will drop in for a time now and again just to sit there. Of course talk to Him; but often just quiet so I can listen to God. It is so calming. I know you are a woman of deep faith. Maybe you and little Eva might just drop in and sit for a while. Feel the calm knowing you are in His presence and really not alone. You and your family are in my daily prayers.. Gerry |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | eva5667faliure (03-21-2018), PamelaJune (03-21-2018) |
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