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Old 08-14-2018, 12:55 PM #731
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Default Nothing I can do

My body slowly rotting
Just so many things gone wrong
I remember it like yesterday
Thinking I had a stiff neck
From that moment on the list of troubles
are to many to handle
I wake meditate take my meds put one aching foot in front of the other night comes and pray
Not even in sleep can I not feel pain
Just one moment by moment
She is what give me purpose
Having to get her ready for second grade
A special little girl for certain she is in my life for a reason
I am her everything
I cannot believe how much time has passed since joining
Wishing all the very best
Me
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Old 09-12-2018, 05:54 AM #732
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Default And the beat goes on

Having a body that continues to fail
Is very discouraging
But it is what it is
A doctor today
And five more in the nest nine days
It just never ends
Then to tend to the everyday things in life that makes is go round
Constant interruptions by parents who still are so ungrateful
I have come to understand I must treat my children as if they were a drug
How sad is that
And with Heavenly Father holding my hand
And the beat goes on
Eva is a happy seven year old
Her mother again disrupting her life
And I must do what I’d rather not
In Jesus I trust
Oh how I just don’t want to feel
Hoping all are well
Me
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Old 09-14-2018, 10:16 PM #733
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Eva,
In spite of everything; little Eva still is a happy 7 year old. Your trust in Jesus along with the Heavenly Father holding your hand will keep you and her in His care.

Do you still have the picture of my painting of the Divine Mercy, which I emailed to you a few years ago, with the inscription "Jesus I Trust in You"?


Gerry
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Old 09-15-2018, 03:41 PM #734
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ger715 View Post
Eva,
In spite of everything; little Eva still is a happy 7 year old. Your trust in Jesus along with the Heavenly Father holding your hand will keep you and her in His care.

Do you still have the picture of my painting of the Divine Mercy, which I emailed to you a few years ago, with the inscription "Jesus I Trust in You"?


Gerry
Hello Gerry
Yes I do
Thank you for it
And thank you for remembering
The few thing I can reflect on
Never alone

It is sad that so much pain has a hold on this tiny family
How everything is not just minor
They are very difficult problems
And knowing I must pray that they find him sooner than later
To have the worst fears come true would be terrible
And my body has begun to reject all the stress of the worry loosing them

Eva is a happy child
I wonder having raised Corissa along with my older children from my marriage
Will she too get to that point in life when she runs to me in frustration
I have knowledge to offer nothing but precious knowledge
May they use it and apply it as I only speak of experience

I will always be mommy
And to Eva that is what I have been to her
Never to take that from her mother
However my daughter still isn’t doing what she must and put ther father before Eva
I have to make the decision of adopting her
It is all so much to deal with
Again my daughter has begun to act out on me
And I turn the phone off
I do not speak with her
And Eva doesn’t want to pick up the phone and speak to her Orr the father
But I leave the machine on so she could leave a message
Thanks for your input
Take care
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Old 09-18-2018, 01:30 PM #735
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Default Ablation

Was at cardiologist
Told yo ho to the hospital
Couldn’t
Nobody to care for Eva
Till I have my baby sister to care for her
Will then and only then can I have it done
I’m so sad how all is
May I hold till I get to go to the hospital
So done
With this family
Just so done
So much to talk about
Just to tired
Me
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Old 09-20-2018, 04:41 AM #736
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Default I reached out

To the only child capable to care for Eva while I have the procedure done
No response
Blood isn’t thicker than water
What she did say is in time her time
She will take me and Eva from here
She has no clue
My baby sister will make arrangements to care for her
She is doing so well
I her everything
Her bff on hold for now
The day will come
Oh how I pray all will be settled when that day will come
Cannot stop my heart from doing what it’s doing
It makes me feel so helpless on so many levels
Slowly I rot
Ever so slowly
Yet I have hope
That one day I won’t feel
Me
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Old 09-21-2018, 04:53 AM #737
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Default Just another day

Spent in the oncologist appointment
So sick and tired of all the doctors
So many still ahead
Tests
Blood work
So sick and tired
My body rotting quicker than I’d like
And still practice preventive health care
Since the age 49 my life has changed forever
Having to retire from the love of work and grown ups
Not that my precious grandchild isn’t priority
As it is
My adult children more than less addicts
And my granddaughter lives in fear that her parents want to take her
A gifted child since born recognized in kindergarten
High honors since her start in school
I’m her everything
Her bff Titti left for a girl w
Failed spins surgery to
Neuropathy
Fibromyalgia
Breast removal cancer estrogen driven
Implants that are deflating
Raynaud secondary finally the vascular dr has the answers to what’s going on with my hands and feet
And finally atrial fibrillation
And awaiting to schedule for a ablation as nothing seems to make my heart go back to NSR. (Normal sinus rhythm)
3D&C vaginal bleed my period stopped at 50
MTHFR dna mutation positive for teens variants
ALL THIS SINC THE AGE 49

Never in a million years would I have imagined my children would be where they are in life and not do anything about it

There have been many times I thought of picking up a drink lately but that would never be a option
I worked to hard for my sobriety
And even though I know how that first three drinks would numb this body it will never happen
But for my children not to do what they must
They are all doing it THEIR WAY
We who live sober living knows what that means

So I have to now treat my children like a drug or a drink
Sad
It make me very sad
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Old 09-24-2018, 12:31 AM #738
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Eva,
It's a lot to deal with. Making even heavier is as you put it; "treating your children as or drug or a drink". They, as well as you, are in my daily prayers.

You mentioned your breast cancer had been Estrogen driven. Are you on Taxmoxifen (premenopausal) or Arimidex (post menopausal) which are both to treat Estrogen driven meds to be taken daily as a preventative for recurrence of estrogen driven cancer? These are usually taken for 5 to 10 years.

I have been on the Arimidex for the past 4 1/2 months. Dealing with many side effects; which deal with leg, feet pain and swelling, bone pain/joint pain, as well as fatigue and weakness and muscle pain which are just a few of the side effects. This can add to pain already dealing with; neuropathy, etc.

You can take well deserved credit for little Eva doing so well.

Gerry
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Old 09-26-2018, 05:08 AM #739
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ger715 View Post
Eva,
It's a lot to deal with. Making even heavier is as you put it; "treating your children as or drug or a drink". They, as well as you, are in my daily prayers.

You mentioned your breast cancer had been Estrogen driven. Are you on Taxmoxifen (premenopausal) or Arimidex (post menopausal) which are both to treat Estrogen driven meds to be taken daily as a preventative for recurrence of estrogen driven cancer? These are usually taken for 5 to 10 years.

I have been on the Arimidex for the past 4 1/2 months. Dealing with many side effects; which deal with leg, feet pain and swelling, bone pain/joint pain, as well as fatigue and weakness and muscle pain which are just a few of the side effects. This can add to pain already dealing with; neuropathy, etc.

You can take well deserved credit for little Eva doing so well.

Gerry
Dearest Gerry
Hoping this finds you well
To answer your question about the estrogen drug
I have been on tamoxifen since January 2012 and was taken off of it almost a year now because the now diagnosed Raynaud secondary
I was on it faithfully for all that time
Just was at the oncologist this past Friday
Spoke about having the ablation and having the implant surgery
My body is all over the place since stopping the tamoxifen
The estrogen in my body is at work
I on my teamage years never suffered acne
Not do I now but every once in a while I’ll get a pimple on my face have one on my chin as I write you
But a indication my body at work
And yes I to suffered the same as you
It is a poopy thing having neuropathy and or fibromyalgia
The list goes on
It’s so tiring Gerry
I hold on to Christ Jesus and pray and thank him
I know he didn’t bring me this far to fall
Was stuck in some real downpours yesterday
Having to take Eva to the dentist only to be referred to yet another dentist
Her first experience was so traumatic and doctors I find have few if any compassion towards children who had been exposed to the brutish manner
They are little people
Why can’t grown ups see this
What wrong with them
My experience so far is like a assembly line of robots
It sickens me
And to explain this to her mom would just be horrible and she wouldn’t understand

Anyhow you continue to take your meds as prescribed
Same time everyday
Be careful what you eat or drink for that matter
Such as soy anything that promotes estrogen sugar a big time no no
As the tamoxifen shuts down the overuse from feeding the body of this hormone
I have come to learn that there is a abundance of us who have this type of cancer
And have a gut feeling the foods we eat has much to do with our condition
Hoping the plastic surgeon will fix them accordingly
Left side has what is called a “double bubble”
And the right is deflating
Just my luck

Thanks for your concern
Corissa Weinstein’s me yesterday
“Mommy are you okay”
What was I going to write back but the truth
Not a response yet
I will do all I have to to keep this body going with the help from my baby sister

Much love and prayers for you and yours
Me
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Old 10-10-2018, 04:29 AM #740
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Default Should edit my writing

Weinstein’s don’t know where that or how that got on
Another day
Up so early just thinking of everything
Hearing from Corissa and had words I would rather have not
But we did
I’ve been lied to and packed with it
I must not depend on her return as it will not happen in the near future
Her contacting me and in the context was just for self gratification
And that pains my soul
Having to let go and let Heavenly Father is what I must do
As difficult as it is I must
Letting go is oh so difficult
But I know it’s the right thing to do
Leaving it all in Heavenly Fathers hands
Trusting him in all he has in the future for me and my granddaughter
May I always remember to than him for all he provides us with
Given exactly what I need in my day
Sad and frightened I shouldn’t be
I’m only human and have motherly worries
This too I must leave behind
Never did I ever imagine my children would not see the help that I need
As I make it look so easy
It isn’t
And I will not beg like a dog for treats
Speaking of animals
I so mis my dog
So miss him
But life hasn’t gotten easier
In fact I have come to understand
I have gone through all I have just to give it away
I am a messenger for Heavenly Father
He did not bring me this far for it to end at my own hands
May I never forget that
It hurts
Is sad
But I must treat them all like a drink or drug
Maybe one day it will be understood
I pray my boy is doing well
Looking forward to the next chapter in our lives together
This will be the first year during holidays I will not spend with my children
And I will move on with Eva
But by the grace of Heavenly Father
I so don’t want to feel anything
Me
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