[SDFencer]

Hey everyone. It's been a bazillion years since I've posted. Robin and I have our own place now and my daughter, her husband, the twins (they'll be 9 Sunday,) the three year old. (not that she pushes papa around or anything.)

It's a 55+ residence. We literally blew it out to the studs and rebuilt it. I was doing to exercise class that they have 3X a week ( what I can't do I just march. There are some 91 year old ladies kicking my *****.) Today my legs slowed down and just stopped working. I hate that. I'm up and not using my cane.

It just punctuated how I feel, I think about applying for jobs but I've been on disability for almost 5 years and who would hire me. I do write articles on disability if anyone wants to suggest place to submit them. I try to get them published in places that don't focus on those with a disability. Otherwise it's like preaching to the choir. Why tell someone with a brain injury about aphasia? OK, maybe they don't remember.

I had to stop fencing because it was hurting my back, I'm home alone all day. The volunteer opportunities aren't anything I want to do. I'm becoming "that guy" who sits all day" I miss people and my body is not getting better. I was asst. coaching one of the twins basketball team and I am unable to show them how something is done.

If I gave myself a review of my life it would be could do better. My counselor
(where I have to go right now) gave me stuff on "negative self talk" The problem is I see no benefit in the stuff it says to do. I am completely at the end of my rope and am having dark thoughts? Ideas?

[EnglishDave]

Hi SD,

I'm sorry about your deterioration, and understand your attitude regarding the Counsellor's exercises. I've always found that sort of thing patronising at the very least.

As for positives: Robin, your daughter, SiL, the Twins and the 3yo seem to be huge parts of your life. How would they be affected by these Dark Thoughts?

You have just moved, and that is shown to be one of the most stressful times for anyone, let alone for people like us. Let the dust settle, relax and enjoy your new surroundings. You say you did coach one of the Twins, has that stopped? Not every Coach - even at the highest level in any sport - is a Tracksuit Coach. The Premier League Football (soccer) team I support has a 61yo Suit wearing Coach.

Do you have any medicinal help for your mood to work alongside your Counsellor? Perhaps some are in order, or they need adjusting.

Above all else, keep speaking to people rather than acting. Dark thoughts are temporary and can be relieved.

Dave.

[eva5667faliure]

dear sir

my name is eva
54 mother of four
grandmother of my only grandchild
who resides with myself and my youngest
as i have custody of her
praying it be temporary

meeting another woman today
who also experiences such great pain
estranged from her only son
understood i too have been there

what i want to ask
are you on any recent medicine
for depression
if yes
you might want to speak with the dr immediately

i was on several and the one that took me
into a black hole
not that i'm not already depressed
i just want to share
i have experienced enough stress moments
much greater
but there is no comparison
with my physical pain
throughout my life time
had thoughts i never imagined
having a family
leaves me no option
off them meds
but do still suffer enough
i wonder sometime what for
and then i say eva you have a family

now if it were just myself
i don't know

this comes from a caring place
take care of you
life on its terms
be well

but for today
i have HOPE
and a family
with a dog
me

[SDFencer]

Nuts, I just erased everything I had typed. I played basketball in the early 70s for the University of Minnesota. Back when the Big 10 had 10 teams. One of the twins led his team to the league championship over the weekend and the other one is on a baseball team that has won every tournament they have played since Memorial Day. I'm coaching the summer league too. I've asked the league director what I can do on a volunteer basis and I'm still waiting. I need to be busy.

I wish my wife understood what it has taken to get to where I am now and what it's like in my current status. I do articles on disabilities for publications not typically Disability oriented. Why tell someone with a brain injury how they are treated when I want others to know what life is like from our side.

I say I just want someone to fix me. (well not "fix" me) My wife says they did fix me. I respond with, 'No, the surgeries were successful, there's a difference.

I am going crazy. As for meds, it's easier to ask what I don't take. I don't want more pills. I've had it.

[SDFencer]

Eva, be well. I had two Scottish terriers to whom I had to say goodbye last month. I want an animal so much. I ache over losing them. Where I live now you're supposed to take your dogs to the dog area. So several times a day I would have to load them into my golf cart and take them over and I'm not a cat person.

[eva5667faliure]

Originally Posted by SDFencer

Eva, be well. I had two Scottish terriers to whom I had to say goodbye last month. I want an animal so much. I ache over losing them. Where I live now you're supposed to take your dogs to the dog area. So several times a day I would have to load them into my golf cart and take them over and I'm not a cat person.

thank you
and i certainly understand
not wanting to take one more pill
i so agree and practice the same
the only reason i am willing to try
yet another in a different family of drugs
is because the pain is that great
thank you
me

[SDFencer]

I need a good reason for trying anymore. There are my three beautiful grandchildren but I hate the quality of life I have now. As it gets harder my body literally shuts down. I have trouble walking, lifting, and just want to sleep. I forget the rest of my *****.

I feel like that guy from Lil Abner with the cloud over his head. Yesterday I weigh in 1 pound heavier, I stop to look for this floatie thing the kids liked in the pool the other day but everyone already has back to school stuff. I guess Christmas stuff should be out in a week or so. I went to have a key made and they every one but the blank I needed. I go to put this doorbell thing on and messed it up. Yes, I know, I'm the only one to whom this has ever happened. Don't people understand we don't care how bad off some other person is. this is our reality.

[EnglishDave]

Hi SD,

When things go badly for us it cuts deeper and takes exponentially longer to recover from. Such is our Reality. That is why we are lucky to call this place our Home Away From Home, a safe place where we can vent without upsetting our Loved Ones.

And what is the point of trying? To prove to YOURSELF you still have worth. Your whole family know it, we know it, you need to realise it and work on that image. And I am not just addressing you, SD, I am talking to all of us who find ourselves in this situation - even myself.

So what more would you like to see to have you continue to try? Are there any external changes that could be made?

Dave.

[waterwillow]

Hi SD. It can be a very dark place sometimes, Depression I mean. It alters how we view every little event of the day. We notice less and less of anything we have achieved positive.

I too go to psychologist and Drs and and and and.

The only relief I get is when I do my Tai Chi and Qi Gong exercises. They are slow but help my movements, balance and general body strength. I can do it at home after learning the basics and this suits as we don't know how we will be from day to or minute to minute sometimes.

The other thing is a book my daughter bought me with a cd in the back.
The Mindful Way Through Depression, freeing yourself from chronic unhappiness. When I first got it I stuck it on a shelf and never gave it a second thought. Just fed up with people pitching in. Some months later I did pull it out and it was very good in making me look at things differently. I use part of the disc to relax me and teach me to focus at night before I go to sleep.

Just get through today, trying to plan ahead can just be frustrating to put it mildly.

Take it easy.

[DejaVu]

Hi SD,

I don't think we've met before. Nice to "meet" you.

I can relate to you somewhat. Before I had become ill, I was a very devoted athlete. I had played team sports in high school and college -- my favorite was basketball. I was also into fencing. Loved it!
I ran 3-5 miles every morning and had worked out daily.

It's been really tough to not be able to be an athlete.
The athleticism was so deeply ingrained in me. I had also learned to cope with life's stressors through exercise and sports. I still miss the running and the work-outs! Yet, I also could not "get into"" coaching. I wanted to be on the court so badly. It's been 25+ years now.

Wow-- The recent loss of your dogs is a huge loss.
It can take quite awhile to adjust to that loss.
My sympathies to you and to your family.

If you were to get a new dog(s), any chance of obtaining a waiver on taking them to the "dog area?"

Your articles sound interesting. Have you looked at any of the State or Federal "independent living" sites for potential ideas on places to share your articles? There must be a place for your articles.

I'd had a sudden brain injury with post-concussion syndrome almost 3 years ago. I'd suddenly realized what little I knew about TBI. People, in general, know very little, if anything, about TBI. I think your articles would be educational to families, friends, to social workers, to therapists, to pastors/priests, to teachers, coaches and so many more people.

We all need a sense of belonging. Keep looking. Keep asking around. You will find your niche.

I am glad you are reaching out. It takes a lot of courage to reach out, to share honestly. You are a strong person.

I hope today is a better day for you, SD!

To Our healing!
DejaVu