So I’ve looked at rentals, I’ve come back in and said why should I be the one to go, you can afford it, if I go I can’t have any of my animals for comfort, you said on Sunday you would go but you couldn’t take one of the dogs and I said no initially because I didn’t want you moving in with her. But you know what, you can go. You can pay for someone to do the pond or you can come once a week and do it yourself, I don’t care. I’m not going. Why would I pack up. You’re right you’re whinging that I went last time, so yes, why should I go again. Nope, you can go. I’m staying right here. You told her it’s my home and damn right it is my home. I said you mentioned gong on Sunday have you even looked at anything. No was the answer. I said well I have. I’m staying. You find somewhere. End of!

You go sister!!!!

I’m trying, I’m taking the exact amount of painkillers I need to and they make it hard to function let alone hold a conversation or make decisions. What I do know is I know myself, he is in lust, it will wear off, I might not be willing to take him back when he comes to his senses, by then I will have begun to live a life not walking on eggshells in fear of tipping him over, not doing his animals, not getting him ready for work so he doesn’t lose his job, by then I might be happy to be just myself xxx

He’s asked for my help to find places, I showed him a few & then said you have the general gist of it now. I closed my iPad and turned away closing my eyes. For too long he’s relied on me, no more. He can find how hard it is himself. He had a whinge it’s hard, I said yes, that’s why you’re doing it not me. I’m now well. You are. So he said he’ll go up the street and look in windows of real estate agents. I just said ok bye. And shut my eyes again. I did say earlier when I tried to talk to him, because he has made out to the counsellor it’s all my fault. I spoke evenly and said to him, I’m sorry if I’ve let you down, I have been very ill. You’ve been sober for 2 years, what’s your excuse. He is still in contact with the girl.

And it be
You get yourself well and as best you can
You are the wife I would have been
I remember getting oh clothes ready
All he had to do was roll out of bed and shower
Never again
Never
That is just me
We are all different
When my time came
And I believe he had a fling with my sister
They hung together
While I took care of him and then three babies
Never again
The Spirit came over me
And I packed his duffle bag
Never again
Love
Me

There is a tightness in my chest, my breath hitches when other people tell me how sorry they are. He told me last night he knows it won’t last but he can’t help himself, the more people talk against her the more he wants to be with her.

I tried to explain the difference between lust and love, he just doesn’t get it. My head says I’m done, it’s been saying I’m done for the last 6 weeks when I noticed something going on. My heart, it deceives me, it hurts me when I least expect it. He holds me and hugs me, kisses me goodbye as he leaves for work, where I took these holds and made them myself for the last 2 years, now he comes to me and I melt in them. I am such a fool. I know I would forgive this transgression if she would leave him be, but she won’t, she is holding on tight with constant messaging and now new email mechanism calling herself Lilith.

I assume he will tell his family tonight, they have messaged him but not me, I’m sure they will all be happy for him.

Just broken with poor health wasn’t enough, poor poor DB he’s had to put up with soo much (she says sarcastically)

Ooooh if I could hold you right now
 

Nobody
Nobody PamelaJune
Defines the woman you are and want to be and move ahead
NOBODY
you are someone who builds others up
And that’s an awesome thing
Never at your expense
Never when it takes away from you
It is suppose to build you up as you give of yourself
It isn’t your job to teach him the differences on lusting
He knew that as a kid
And one doesn’t abandoned the other equal partner who should be complementing each other
He took the easy road
And has a young leach sucking the life out of YOU
not him
YOU
YOU KNOW
My intent is never to hurt anyone when down
It is my job to lift you higher and higher
You are PamelaJune
You are someone’s thought
You have a purpose
Who the heck knows what that is at the moment
But it is time for you to do one thing that is satisfying
That feels good
Something
Find it
And do it
You have the strength you just don’t know it yet
No coddling him
No coddling him
And screw her
She whiggled her way inbetween the two of you and he let it happen
Not your problem anymore
Not your problem anymore
What’s that saying
You don’t know what you really had until one losses it
And you are not going to loose yourself
Not for anybody
PamelaJune is the bomb
And everybody best watch out
Cause your not taking any of it anymore
Unless that is what your used to and are willing to accept
Kick butt girl
Push that chest out as far as you can with all that pain it takes to do it
Take all that negativity and make your life you want
I love you dear sister
I’m your friend
Not you enemy
I’m obviously angry for you
Apologies if I’m crossing the line
I just want you to see what you have been putting up with
Not your job to fix him
It’s your priority to fix you the best you can
And it starts from the inside
Your mind
Is yours
It’s yours
Love you
Me

Finding me after 25 years
 

Default Finding me posted in General mental health & emotional support
I’ve grappled where to post this topic, it’s painful to me, but not like the chronic pain I suffer from. It’s depressing and while I acknowledge I have depression it’s about a journey from depression to living a full life again, and nor is it a topic for alcohol, addiction and recovery. Well it is, but it’s no longer my need to document his journey backwards.

So, I’ve opted for the forum General mental health & emotional support, I hope and pray NT’rs can continue to help me and offer support as I embark on this journey to finding me. I’ve used other forums on here and have always taken comfort in knowing I could turn to NT and it’s emotional support I need right now. I need to be able to write my journey and have advice and support from the community I turn to in need. I am need of emotional support. https://www.neurotalk.org/forum85/

I have no idea how to move forward in terms of making arrangements to be sure I am financially secure. And as I keep telling my family who tell me how easy it all is. I am still supposed to be in hospital, I am unfit and cannot bend or twist. I am emotionally ill, I’m suffering with severe depression and anxiety so my mental health is also unstable. I’m trying to work from home so I can at least have some semblance of income come in, I’m struggling to work and concentrate, I’m struggling with just living. Some days I eat, others barely anything at all. I have cared for this man for 25 years, I have put his needs before mine always, I was the good wife. Now I’m just a fool, discarded when I am at my weakest.

So I’m inviting you to join me on the other forum and share your experiences and advice as I move forward. I understand if it’s too hard a topic for some of you to join me on and if you are unable to do so, please know, the advice and love you have shared with me over these last 2 years will always be treasured.