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Old 04-06-2016, 05:27 PM #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PamelaJune View Post
On Saturday I cleaned the house to an inch within its life... You know what I mean. DB who was supposed to help went to the gym, popped in to place a bet, went to the hardware shop etc etc, gone for 3 or more hours. Comes back and yes I'm on a slow simmer of annoyance but I bite my tongue and say little. He badgers me with wanting to talk about his new purchase from hardware, I'm tired, in severe pain and tbh not in a good mood, I am trying to cool myself down and regain my equilibrium. His words filter through my pattern of thoughts... Went to Bunnings hardware and bought an Ozito - specifically asked the girl behind the counter to test if she found it light to handle, it's an outdoor blow vac, stipulates it has to be light so my wife can use it to. "So I can use it to" are you kidding me, I'm struggling with keeping the inside of the house clean let alone outside. I burst into tears and reiterated what I've long said, I can't do these things anymore, you all expect so much of me. I just don't understand why no-one gets it!
oh
how i know how you feel
four adult children i have
all living their lives
depleted me of all i have
ARE ANGRY AT ME
because i got ill
they are angry at me
as if i had any control over all that is happening
left to raise my granddaughter
her mother my daughter
is so out of it
it kills me
if i have nobody in my life
right now its Corissa helping
however if she ever left
i would need someone to do food shopping
and the laundry
i could not do it anymore
i help her do it properly
having to sort
such as darks
bleach whites
semi
delicates
and so on
it kill me
they cannot see how hard it is
if i could
i would rather be the one to do it
i just can't
i know how you feel
i am sorry
it truly stinks
how self absorbed they are
hoping you can get your head together
for you
love
me
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Old 04-08-2016, 08:16 PM #22
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Pam,

You expect so much of yourself; (which in turn; others see this and have come to expect it from you). They will never understand as long as you are able to push yourself to keep up this pace.

I hope you can give yourself a break and, tho it may be difficult; close your eyes to some of the things you want done. If necessary do just a "hit" and a "miss". If DB or anyone else is surprised by this; let him/them know for now, this is the best you can do.

Take care dear friend,

Gerry

Last edited by ger715; 04-08-2016 at 10:08 PM.
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Old 04-09-2016, 12:02 AM #23
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I do Gerry, the house goes for weeks / months without a proper clean. I close my eyes to everything, but sometimes I just have to push through to get something done. To give you an idea of what I'm talking about re DB not understanding, yesterday at the Coles checkout I gather up two light bags and leave the rest for him, he looks at me and says in all seriousness, those bags are heavier than the Ozito yet you can lift them. My reply, its not the heaviness of the Ozito that upset me dear, it's the fact you think I should be able to get out there and vacuum, clean up the back yard. I struggle to do inside let alone outside. Your sarcasm is not appreciated! Came home and didn't talk for the rest of the evening.

I know he has his demons and his severe depression keeps him bedbound if not at work, the gym or at his psych appointments. I get all of that and I support him to the best I can. I put no pressure on him to do anything around the house, it is me that's kept it clean and functioning both inside and out for the past two years but it's getting harder and harder for me. Buying the Ozito for me said - oh ok, she will get out there and do it when she gets angry enough with it not being done so this will help because I'm not going to do it!

Even when he did start, I had to go out and say blow it to a pile that can be swept up and then bagged and binned, otherwise you blow it away and it all blows back in the next wind gust! (It's not rocket science.) so I'm cooking the roast and he comes in and says I've blown it all to a spot for you to come sweep and bag up.... His depression and not drinking has taken him back to being a 12 year old I swear! (They did say that happens but really, is it that hard to think things through).

There are two of us in this relationship with severe depression, one also with severe chronic pain, how come I'm the one expected to hold it all together. Sadly, I do believe Gerry, if I were to stop doing the daily feeding & watering of the animals (7 of them), the weekly grooming, the feeding of the fish (30) the cleaning up after the animals (daily poop clean up) hand water all the plants (daily in summer as retic been broken for 6 years) the daily cooking, the regular washing, the ironing and the occasional cleaning, take the garbage out as needed and putting the bins out every week then this household will come to a screaming halt and it will be far to hard to regain the toehold I have of just keeping it together. I'm too scared to stop because I can't see it being recovered.

I posed did he have chronic fatigue syndrome, his psych says no, it's his depression and he is bored. BORED! So he is off to a mankind project that will give him things to do. I so hope they have groups of men who are all bored that will feel inclined go round to each other's houses and do regular maintenance rather than weekend camping trips to the wilderness for physical challenges. I'm sure I can't be the only spouse who is going through this.

Rant over, I'm sorry, I'm just so overwhelmed with it all. This can't be my life for much longer.

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Pam,

You expect so much of yourself; (which in turn; others see this and have come to expect it from you). They will never understand as long as you are able to push yourself to keep up this pace.

I hope you can give yourself a break and, tho it may be difficult; close your eyes to some of the things you want done. If necessary do just a "hit" and a "miss". If DB or anyone else is surprised by this; let him/them know for now, this is the best you can do.

Take care dear friend,

Gerry
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Old 04-09-2016, 12:33 AM #24
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PamelaJune, I can relate to house-cleaning.

What works for me is to break it into manageable tasks rather than trying to do it all at once; "Today I will clean the kitchen, tomorrow I will vacuum the dining room.", etc.

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Old 04-09-2016, 10:36 AM #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PamelaJune View Post
I do Gerry, the house goes for weeks / months without a proper clean. I close my eyes to everything, but sometimes I just have to push through to get something done. To give you an idea of what I'm talking about re DB not understanding, yesterday at the Coles checkout I gather up two light bags and leave the rest for him, he looks at me and says in all seriousness, those bags are heavier than the Ozito yet you can lift them. My reply, its not the heaviness of the Ozito that upset me dear, it's the fact you think I should be able to get out there and vacuum, clean up the back yard. I struggle to do inside let alone outside. Your sarcasm is not appreciated! Came home and didn't talk for the rest of the evening.

I know he has his demons and his severe depression keeps him bedbound if not at work, the gym or at his psych appointments. I get all of that and I support him to the best I can. I put no pressure on him to do anything around the house, it is me that's kept it clean and functioning both inside and out for the past two years but it's getting harder and harder for me. Buying the Ozito for me said - oh ok, she will get out there and do it when she gets angry enough with it not being done so this will help because I'm not going to do it!

Even when he did start, I had to go out and say blow it to a pile that can be swept up and then bagged and binned, otherwise you blow it away and it all blows back in the next wind gust! (It's not rocket science.) so I'm cooking the roast and he comes in and says I've blown it all to a spot for you to come sweep and bag up.... His depression and not drinking has taken him back to being a 12 year old I swear! (They did say that happens but really, is it that hard to think things through).

There are two of us in this relationship with severe depression, one also with severe chronic pain, how come I'm the one expected to hold it all together. Sadly, I do believe Gerry, if I were to stop doing the daily feeding & watering of the animals (7 of them), the weekly grooming, the feeding of the fish (30) the cleaning up after the animals (daily poop clean up) hand water all the plants (daily in summer as retic been broken for 6 years) the daily cooking, the regular washing, the ironing and the occasional cleaning, take the garbage out as needed and putting the bins out every week then this household will come to a screaming halt and it will be far to hard to regain the toehold I have of just keeping it together. I'm too scared to stop because I can't see it being recovered.

I posed did he have chronic fatigue syndrome, his psych says no, it's his depression and he is bored. BORED! So he is off to a mankind project that will give him things to do. I so hope they have groups of men who are all bored that will feel inclined go round to each other's houses and do regular maintenance rather than weekend camping trips to the wilderness for physical challenges. I'm sure I can't be the only spouse who is going through this.

Rant over, I'm sorry, I'm just so overwhelmed with it all. This can't be my life for much longer.

Pam,
You are "Wonder Woman" and are unbelievable for all you accomplish. Your Profile on NT tells a story of a woman that has endured so much suffering. If nothing else; it would be good to hear from DB how lucky he is and thankful for all you do. It's nice to be appreciated instead of the little sarcasms that dig a bit too deep. I can understand the different person he has become after letting go of his "best buddy"; alcohol; but I don't think showing some appreciation is too much to expect.

Yes, I deal with 24/7 pain which can be a "downer"; also see my husband busy reading the newspaper from end to end; then go to the computer for a while; afterwards might just go lay down on the loveseat and watch TV while I am lucky I am standing with the burning feet/aching legs/spinal pain thinking how nice it must be to wait for your dinner call so he can do his share.... pour a glass of wine or a beer with dinner.

But; I have had to make big adjustments....; meals now that are pre-ready to go into the oven or micro or something very simple. Loved cooking and was a perfectionist at a clean spotless house. Now, just have to do the "hit and miss" I spoke about.

I don't drive anymore and shopping is very difficult so I must say, he does most of the grocery shopping. We have an online food products business in the area that deliveres every two weeks by a rep. The meals are very easy to prepare; ice cream "out of this world" (it is really starting to show on both of us).

Pam, have you given any thought to moving to a condo or something very simple for upkeep? It is evident you have too much there to take care of. While you might love all the animals and grounds, etc., it is causing resentment that will only add to the problems both of you are facing. It does not bring the enjoyment it once did.

Your husband is a changed man and you are dealing with far too much to continue at the current pace. My daughter had gone thru a few programs since becoming drug free for several years now. She has become very self centered and these programs drill in to them; how they have to become selfish and think of themselves first in order to remain in recovery. Far too often, this become difficult for family members to fully understand the "new person" they are now dealing with.

I think possibly the biggest issues are the different life both of you face;... him with his recovery and you with all your physical limitations are dealing with things (house, grounds, etc., etc.) instead of holding on to each other for support. The more resentment you feel, the further both of you become.

Hopefully, I did not overstep giving my ideas, suggestions, etc.
Please feel free to vent. We are listening and very caring.:group hug:


Gerry
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Old 04-10-2016, 01:51 AM #26
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Default Self centred is indeed the truth

Last night I had a very bad fall, I was cooking dinner as I always do, had the veg on boil & nearly done, chicken ready to go. DB came home from work and commenced his usual routine - get undressed while I take care of his work dog. Took the dog out for a pee, he is a big 38kg strapping lab.

Long story short he accidentally knocked me over into the garden bed bordered by big red gravel boulders. I had my hand out to help save the fall and avoid hitting my head and right hand hooked to the dog, I heard the snap on my hand, looked and middle finger and little finger on left hand completely bent to the left. Without thinking I quickly snapped them back into place, screamed out to DB, no reply. Badly grazed my upper and lower limbs on the side of the gravel rocks.

Quickly caught the dog and hobbled inside sobbing and moaning saying I think I've broken my hand. Blood running down my left arm, left leg, left hand swelling and blue and right arm also bleeding. I cried my way to the shower to wash off the blood, he's done 1st aid so I thought he will help! No he carried on undressing and let the dog out back. I got out of shower and asked for his help to pat me dry, waste of time, he dabbed the dry spots -I ended up air drying, I asked for help dressing, he got my nightie & helped oull over my head. I'm still crying and bleeding. He goes to the kitchen and proceeds to dish up the dinner I've cooked, hands me a plate and says where are you sitting. All this while he has his eyes and attention firmly fixed to the tv. Takes my tray to the lounge and sits and and proceed to eat his. I struggle to put the tray in my lap and look at him. He says what's wrong, I'm speechless, I say I think I'm in a bad way dear, youve done first aid, shouldn't you be checking me out. He says Nothing I can do, your fine, a bit of blood. I ask him to put my tray back in the kitchen and I go get dressed in simple pull on clothes, he asks where are you going? hospital I say, for a broken finger he says - with a big exasperated sigh. I raise my voice a little, Lyndon, I'm in pain and I need help. He says, Go to bed, take a tablet it will be ok in the morning.

Instead I know I need complete wound cleaning and X-rays -it's depressing and I leave for the hospital, they admit me straight away, the many wounds do need degrading and cleaning, the fingers, hand, elbow and ribs need Xray. They are giving me 10 & 20 mg oxy like lollies. Not working. Eventually, X-rays done, injuries confirmed. I've lied and said I took a taxi there. I drive home eventually, get in around 1.30, potter and put the washing away, go to bed when the Xanax also given kicks in.

DB goes to work, I don't hear him leave, he rings at 8.30am and says what's wrong. I said I put it on messaging last night along with photos, "oh I didn't read it", I was sending birthday wishes to my friend in the UK.

So I tell him and he says "SEE I TOLD YOU, NOTHING THEY CAN DO ABOUT IT" so now it's all well strapped, I've had an injection of some sort to prevent infection, I'm bandaged in other places and I've been made to feel like someone cared. DB on the other hand it seems couldn't give a continental.

I said to him, I think his is the icing on the cake, you just don't care enough to about me. All you care about is yourself. The accident shouldn't have happened if you had looked after the front yard and more Importabtly trained the dog when he is not working, his excited behaviour is not warranted, he weighs nearly 40 kg, I'm very unsteady on my feet and he is wild and undisciplined unless in his work uniform.

M mum has just done the same, I posted my niece is coming to help me wash and shower, mum says, not a word about my injuries, just straight into "oh can you ask her to bring the Mahjong board and can you go to the bank and get the money to give to her". I replied no, I can't, I'm not well enough to drive or do any of those things. so she has a hissy turn as well. I'm over all these self centred people around me. They can start to tend for themselves. I'm not doing it anymore.

Post note, I'm black n blue today and very very sore. My mum still trying to justify her comment haha.
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Old 04-10-2016, 06:01 AM #27
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PamelaJune, I am really sorry to read that DB and your Mum were so unsupportive.

A while ago my psychologist offered me a wise thought "It is not a selfish thing to look after yourself first.". Sometimes, if we don't look after ourselves first, being assertive if needs be, then our capacity to care for others who matter to us can get messed up.

An idea for you to ponder?

I am glad that the X-ray showed that the damage was confined.

With care and concern .
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Old 04-10-2016, 11:07 AM #28
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Pam,

I am so sorry to hear that you are having problems with DB. As Kiwi said, you need to look after yourself first and foremost. DB does not seem to be there for you, and look after you in those times you need him. I am in a similar situation myself, and realize how draining a relationship like this can be, both physically and emotionally. Perhaps things will change after DB has been sober for some more time. Hopefully he will start to realize how much of a DB he has been and begin to change for both of your needs. Whatever happens, you have the support of so many here on NT.

Healing hugsI hope your injuries heal fast without any long term complications.
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Old 04-10-2016, 12:06 PM #29
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Pam,

It is so sad to deal with his disconnection. I have a little of what you are saying about DB with my situation.

As soon as I mention about being in pain; he just walks away or continues reading the paper that I interrupted him from doing; just by talking. As long as I try doing a bit of joking, finish laundry, or dinner; then we are good. I know the detachment hurts; in your case it is beyond comprehension. Your DB just does not; or want to, "get it".

I wonder what would happen if when DB came home from work you were resting because you were not up to cooking or taking the dog out. I'm not sure you would be able to allow yourself to do that; but it sure would be a good way to show him, as well as other unconcerned family members. No dinner invites either......let them know "I am no longer up to or able to entertain. As long as they see you still doing all these things; you are showing unconcerned people; ....."I can do it all".....

As I mentioned before; even tho I am still somewhat active; I no longer entertain or do many of the extras. Meals are as simple as I can manage..... My husband does not seem to notice or when he does, he is glad I am making things easier for myself, including meals for us, etc.

Pam needs to put Pam first. I know your personality type makes this quite difficult for you to do; but unless you do; it will not get better.

You really had quite a nasty fall. It would have been nice for DB to show some concern; but at least you did have everything checked out and cleaned up...Unfortunately, you had to get yourself to the hospital. Your husband is dealing with his issues; but what is your mother's excuse??? I'm glad to learn you are able to say "no" and starting to let them tend for themselves. Good for you!!!!!!!

Take care of yourself dear lady.


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Old 05-20-2016, 06:49 AM #30
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Default Still crying

No change dear friends. I tried the SAMe for a week, the tears abated I thought but I swelled up like a water balloon, fluid retention they said and for me to cease tablets. I wish I could feel better about myself, I'm struggling with making the effort to go to work and get things done at home. I had a colonoscopy last week, horrid prep experience... And have got another nerve root sleeve injection on June 3rd, hopefully no complications like last time.

Before then, my brother flying in from over East for a surprise 60th birthday for him and 85th for mum. As an added and complete surprise, my Aunty 90yrs (my dads sister) and cousin & wife also 60 are flying over (from East as well but not same state as brother). My brother & wife staying with his daughter and my Cousins and Aunty are staying at mine so I'm getting the back bedrooms ready. They will be here for 5 nights. I Need to move the King single from junk storage room into the back bedroom for Aunty, my cousins will have what used to be mums room when she stayed here, nothing to do in there other than make the bed up. I've cleared and made room in the back bedroom for the bed, it used to be used by Dad when he stayed here, but after he died, we converted it to an extra sitting room, come dressing room for DB & or I. Just realised I must search the linen cupboard for the King single linen and duvets.

It should be lovely to have family, I should be feeling excited and happy. I just feel flat and drained. My cousin is a chronic pain sufferer, he gets it so there is no pressure on me to pull out the wow factor and Aunty couldn't care less if the house isn't spotless. Huge relief!

DB still disengaged, doesn't help with the ongoing dental saga $25k so far and has been stricken with bad flu this past ten days. I am worried about him, gave him a big hug today, told him I love him. Can see he is struggling. Sobriety has been maintained and next week will be a challenge, but my lovely niece specifically booked a BYO restaurant so no bar and a number of the older rellies don't drink much so it won't be awash with booze.
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