Hi Pamela. I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time with your depression. I used to cry all the time too until my psychiatrist prescribed antidepressants for me. He told me it was okay to take them long term and I have had not issues because of them. I don't cry all the time anymore and I am more positive about life now. I am not a doctor but if I were you I would ask your doctor what he thinks. Maybe get several doctors opinions and then decide what is best for you. I hope that you find a way to feel better soon. Prayers and hugs to you.

Pam,
You have been under extreme stress with DB and his struggle to remain alcohol free. It's only been a little over a week since his return from his visit with his family in Wales which was stressful for him. It's no wonder you are on overload. I hope your GP, along with the lab test will be helpful. It would be nice if you were able to take a little get away retreat, even for a few days.


Gerry

My bloods are all good, GP has prescribed Zoloft for severe depression and Valium for severe anxiety. I'm not happy about it at all, but I guess that's just the way it is. I'm having a procedure tomorrow on my back so won't start them until the weekend.

I have been on Vallium for several years now; in addition to some anxiety the Valium is for muscle spasm/pain. I take two 5mg's a day. I have had issues with my left side of neck and shoulder which forced me to lay, for several years, on my right side. I do believe that is what eventually led to Bursitis and sciatica on the right side, steroid injections; eventually leading to fusion. Since being on the Vallium, I have been able to lay on the left side without pain; really has been a "plus".

Pray all works out well with your procedure, as well as the meds.



Gerry

I'm home, only a day job for a change, they wanted to keep me in hospital overnight but I insisted I come home. DB taken aback at the state I was in, I kept collapsing, so had him grab the bathroom shower (seat) frame & used that as a walking tool to get from the car to bed.

I'm loathe to start the Zoloft but know I must, not sure if to start today or tomorrow?

I've bitten the bullet so to say, started today with 25mg (1/2 tablet) as directed by GP and increase to full tablet in one week.

Pam,
My heart goes out both you and DB. Right now tho, you need to be the focus of attention.

You and I have gone thru so many similar issues. I can understand your reluctance to start the program dealing with depression. Once it hits this deep patch, it lurks around the corner usually most of your life.

As an addict does, we have to know the signs beforehand and abruptly change course. We have to watch out for the triggers. You are living with triggers daily so you need to deal with a regular routine just to get through each day; even before a trigger gets a chance to show it's ugly face. Hopefully one day it will reduce to watching and being alert to these triggers.

But for now, this "tough Aussie" will need to put aside her reluctance and thru trial and error find a level that is attainable to reach some peace and tranquility.

Please know that thru it all; including DB's issues, we are here with you.

Love & Prayers,

Gerry

Day 3 of Zoloft, makes me slightly nauseous. Had visitors yesterday, forced myself to give a swift vacuum, bathroom/toilets clean and dust. Don't know why I bothered, one of them wanted to play with the alpha male DDDog so he came in & white hair everywhere. After they left DB then had all 4 dogs in 1 by 1 (all white haired). Good for DB to spend some quality time with them, hope it lifted his spirits.

I'm not sleeping well at all on this Zoloft, 3 hrs sleep Friday night & 5 hrs last night. I was fuming when the dogs all woke at 5am to bark n whinge, I know DB heard them but didn't move, so I had to get up & feed them so the neighbours not disrupted. I then woke him up at 6 & finally convinced him we walk to the cafe for breakfast. Anything to get him off of the bed where he seems to have taken up permanent residence on his RDO's, incl eating in bed which peeves me beyond belief.... I know my anxiety & depression are at an all time high, I'm highly irritated by anything he does (or doesn't do more to the point).

I've started looking at health n wellness retreats, I think I desperately need to have a break but they all start from $3k for 5 nights, I haven't got that sort of $$ so now I'm looking to see if I can get an inpatient psych program covered by my health fund. DB says I cry because I watch the news, no clue how stressful he is to live with. Said to him I watch the news so I can be informed on whats happening in our world, it's no good living in a bubble not knowing. Besides which I don't cry at the news...

DB fellow DDO colleague diagnosed last week with Lumierres disease, rare and sometimes fatal. He has been in hospital this past week and only allowed out yesterday for day release, he & his wife were the visitors so I had to clean, couldn't have him breathing in dust etc while he is so ill.

I don't think I've cried today? Mouth is very dry as are my eyes. Feel agitated & have a headache. After coming back from the cafe I did a quick vacuum again to get rid of the white hair dust bunnies - no idea where that burst of energy came from.

I've crashed n burned, up again at 4am to do the dogs n cats, fed, watered, cleaned up. Sat for a while and then decided I cant face work today. It's summer, I've put the a/c on along with the fan & got back into bed. Got up, cooked my own lunch as DB was pernickety, the pizza I made for him last night ready for his own lunch but he's being antsy over that as well. He doesn't like to face that since I've been home I've done the animals at least twice a day, cleaned the house, done the washing & put away, got his uniform ready done all that I can for a smooth running household and his funk which halted has fully descended. Very worried about his colleague, I get that, but he doesn't have to be pernickety. But here we are, he's just apologised so he must be able to see how hard I'm finding it.

Pam,
I'm glad you are at least able to get some of this out of your system knowing we are here with you. Has DB been going to work regularly? I noted you mentioned cleaning his uniform.

It would appear you are dealing with so much stress and the side effects of DB's rehab/behavior of his rehab issues. Your idea of a Wellness Retreat is a good idea. The cost is "over the top". Might be worth looking into the Health Programs there which may offer assistance in these type of cases. You are on overload.

DB evidentially continues spiraling. In the U.S., they are called "sponsors" that when times/things get too difficult, the individual calls them. Does DB have someone like that? They are so important to recovery.

My daughter, was/is so fortunate to have someone like that. Even tho she has been clean for many years and herself has received certification as a counselor for those dealing with addiction; she still needs that person "sponsor" in her life. Still attends meetings weekly. These meetings are called AA in America; but I mentioned this situation to her yesterday. She said there are these type of meetings all over the world. (Her main goal is working and addressing the importance mental issues plays in addiction.) I pray DB can get the help needed to continue rehab.

Pam, please continue sharing with us. You are so very special.


Gerry

DB went shopping & cooked dinner while he was out picking up his hearing aids. Needed a new mould as the right one seemed to have developed a distinct crack in it and was causing disruption. Came home in a mood so I got out of the way. Was quite surprised he cooked.
Gerry he works 12 hour shifts with an hours drive each way, so a 14 hour day, plus the hour before he leaves and often 30 to 49 minutes when he gets home all dealing with sorting the dogs. It's why I get up at 4am to help because it is a very long day & I heartily wish he had the required energy to manage it. He works a shift system, 3 on 2 off, 2 on 3 off an 84 hour fortnight which includes every 2nd weekend and the weekend is always the 3 day shift. I get his uniform ready, wash etc (the new uniform shirts no longer need ironing yay) clothes dry his trousers as they are a bugger to iron if line dried. I try hard to do my part. I know he has been so sick these last 24 months and his immune system is still compromised. If anything, I'm surprised it's his colleague got Lumierres & not DB. He catches anything that's going, remember he even got legionnaires again last year. That's twice now he has had it, and the first time he had it was swiftly followed by swine flu.
I think I'm just operating on autopilot, I've looked at moving closer to his work but the way he talks about his job, we'd move there and before I know it, he'd be working back down in the city. So it's a conundrum. I've looked on and off for 10 yrs but he doesn't seem convinced/committed to a move and so we stay here. I think if I get rid of the pond it will take pressure off of him, I'm so over the weekly challenge of him maintaining it. The 2 new pumps he got which were supposed to be miracle workers and much less work have taken what was a monthly job of one pump to weekly job of 2 pumps. The guys in the shop convinced him (soul distributors) it would be a good upgrade, worst decision ever and I think they are lemons. Always breaking down. Now we can't even go away for fear of something happening. You might remember while DB was away 2 weekends in a row I had to climb in and sort the filters and pumps, imagine if I fell!! Yes the pond looks good, but you know what, no one sees it other than the dogs, and every morning I wake up worrying the water will have drained away and dead Koi littering the lengthy if it. Twice now the water has drained away due to those faulty pumps and the fish were surviving in 6 inches of water under the deck. The pond is normally about knee deep in the open end and a little deeper under the deck, under the deck has a dip so there is a catchment of water that doesn't drain. It's 11 metres long and up to 4 metrs wide under the deck & in the open between 2.5 to 3 metres. We didn't put it in, it was here when we bought but we did deck over half of it to give us a semblance of a back yard. Should have got rid of it then!!!
So I went to bed at 7.30 last night with the help of Xanax and up at 4 to help DB get going. Have to go to work today myself, should have gone yesterday but couldn't face it, must make the effort today. No tears so something must be working, but I do feel still dry mouth and dry eyes.