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And you will
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Give yourself the charge to empower yourself One moment at a time With the help and support from us all who are right there for you when need be If you can and have it in you BE A little selfish Go for a couple of days If the body can withstand the ride Pamper yourself Try That's all Try One moment at a time And always remember YOU MATTER Don't you forget that Love Me |
Alaina,
I think it would be nice to get away; if only for a long weekend. I loved cooking; but had to give up preparing meals that would take too much time and effort adding to my pain. I found a place that delivers every two weeks quite an assortment of frozen foods, deserts, etc., all of which are very easy prep. It has really been a godsend. My husband does not complain and enjoys whatever I attempt to make for the two of us. Also, it helps me feel a bit more productive. Wishing you all the best.....that's all any of us have to give. Gerry |
hi alaina. i hope you and your husband have a relaxing and enjoyable vacation. you deserve it! take good care of yourself and have fun!
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Oh, no vacation... It would be me, away for a short time next time I have the chance to head up to my parents place up north. It would be for a weekend. Just a short time away from my husband. Time for both of us to have some time by ourselves while away from each other. A chance for both of us to step back, think about our lives, to take a break from each other and take a breath. We have been arguing a bit too much lately, some my fault, some his but always leading to so much verbal aggression from him, that I just shut down. It all just makes the depression harder to deal with. I think a weekend apart would be a good thing for both of us.
I do not know when that would be, but I would like to have a weekend bag ready to go for the next opportunity. |
Dear Alaina,
I have just now spotted this thread or I would've replied much, much sooner. I guess I don't look down this way often enough! I am sorry to see you going through so much when you already have such physical pain and challenge to surmount. So much love and wisdom has been shared here. It is beautiful to see the outpouring of understanding and compassion. Know that you are carried in many hearts. I think getting away for a respite is an excellent idea. Give yourself extra time if you need. The travel may be challenging and require a recovery day or two. If you can make the trip a little longer if needed then do. You don't want the time eaten by feeling flared. You have maintained an open heart and helped many others throughout your own suffering. Your attitude and perseverance are greater than you know. I know those dark times are hard but hold fast to the goodness that is within you. Gerry mentioned living one day at a time. There was a while I had to live 5 minutes at a time! Don't give up and remember that you are cared for. Sending hugs and much healing love, :hug: |
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Alaina; get that bag packed; have it ready so when the time arises; just do it for your own good. It might be a good thing for your husband to have a little time to himself to listen to the silence when you're not there. We are here to support you any way we can.:hug: Gerry |
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You go! Love Me |
hi again alaina. i hope you can go on a vacation soon and can get some rest and relaxation on your own. enjoy yourself when you do decide to go see your parents. sounds like a great idea. love and hugs.
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Alaina,
Have you given any more thought to going for a long weekend to your parents? You had mentioned concern about the long drive. I don't know if you have ever listened to books on CD's. My husband gets them from our library. They are best sellers. That might take your mind of the drive a bit, as well as a stop for something to eat so you can move around. I think this will give you a feeling of accomplishment. You need to do this for yourself. Gerry |
Gerry,
I do still have every intention of getting away for a short time. I am not entirely sure when that will be. I am not able to drive anymore, so I would be relying on my dad to give me a ride. My parents have been staying with my sister lately to help her out. Dad still runs his business down this way and my parents used to stay at one of his rental properties during the week. With my mom now retired, she moved up north for a short while, but realized that my sister needed more help than just my niece was able to provide. I will talk with my parents when I see them tomorrow for Easter dinner, and let them know that I would very much like to head up with them next time they plan on going up for a weekend, or even a little longer. They both know I am having problems at home, and struggling with depression again. It was originally my mom who made the suggestion to step away for a while and visit with them at their place for a weekend. I just was not ready last time she asked. Right now, my husband and I seem to be getting along fairly well. I am hoping that I can use this time to be able to talk with him without him loosing control and verbally attacking me. I tried the other night only to have the manipulation and verbal abuse start again. Now that it is calm again, I don't know what to do, but know we need to talk about our problems again. Hopefully with better success. Even if we are able to talk rationally, I still think that a short time apart is still a good thing to do for both of us and plan on getting away next chance I can. |
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Glad you are still planning to do a get-away; this will be good for both of you. As I had mentioned before; he might realize he does not like being alone. Either way; it would be good for you. Even if the two of you are starting to get along; it does not appear that any time is a good time to talk with him. So you just might have to decide if you can continue without being able to discuss any issues with him. It will just "set him off". You may have to resign yourself to living this way or what, if any, alternatives do you have in mind??? Gerry |
Alaina, I hope that some time apart will work for you and your husband.
This is not about me but that worked well for me and my partner when things were not so good between us. :hug: |
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We have been doing well these past couple of days. I just do not know how long it will last this time. A few days, maybe a month or two, I never know. I need to figure out those alternatives and be willing to act on them when the time comes that I need to. |
I finally took that trip to my parents this past weekend. It was very peaceful and quiet up where their place is. I spent most of the weekend relaxing, watching the ducks and even an eagle. It is a place to leave all of my stresses behind and try my hardest to try to feel happy. I spent a lot of time talking with my mom this weekend. It is nice to know that she is still there for me when I truly need her. Offering me support and encouragement, opinions and options if my marriage should fail, a place to live if that does happen, guidance and the love that she has shown in the past.
I was not sure if I was going to make it. I had a rather difficult week having 3 doctor appointments and a lot of extra stress as a result of those appointments. My PM decided to put me on Effexor to help deal with the depression. The following day, my PCP tried to put me on Xanax but I would not let him, but decided to send my pharmacist a prescription for what was supposed to be Trazodone, but ended up sending for Tramadol. That messes things up with my contract with my PM so I had to get that straightened out. I still refused to pick up the Trazodone. I am not starting 2 medications at the same time again. Then I find out while at my Orthopedic appointment, that I have osteoporosis in at least my right foot and lower leg. To top off the week, I had a few arguments with my husband that always end up one sided. As a result of this stressful week, I had a major increase in both physical and emotional pain. I had to get out of the house. I was going to go to my parents no matter what. I was doing fairly well from the weekend up through part of Monday. Then I had an appointment with my psychologist. Not that it was a bad appointment, just a couple of very difficult conversations that were discussed that I am still very shook up about. I have not felt this low in a long time. I had a decent weekend, but it was just a weekend. Now I am back to reality and having a very difficult time with it. |
Dear Alaina,
I am so glad you were able to get away to a place of respite and security. Having that time of peacefulness is a reminder of how life can be without some of the stress you are facing. When we are under duress over a long period it is difficult to remember a happier state of being. Take this trip as a reminder of what is possible and what you deserve to have. I think now that you have made the first excursion it will be easier to do it again. You know what to expect physically and what wonderful emotional environment you are going into. There is a saying in Latin "Ubi bene, ibi patria" - where you feel good, there is your country. Make the memory of those good feelings and that healthy environment a touchstone. Those feelings give you something to strive for. You know now that they are still within you, just buried under too much yuck. On a practical note, I am so glad that you have option to stay longer if necessary. That gives you much more freedom in choosing what is best for you. It may be that you decide to take a more extended time away for greater clarity. It would be interesting to see how your pain reduces and what physical healing is possible when you are under less stress. It is good too that you had those hard conversations with your therapist. That kind of work can be draining but it is so important to really bring those issues to the fore and examine in the light. Alaina, I know that you face many challenges right now, but you are not without power. You can still change the reality that you are facing. I know that you love your husband and when marriages don't work out it is tragic. However, you deserve, and for your health must have, a partner who is able to be there for you emotionally and financially. That precludes using precious resources for alcohol and substance abuse. It precludes alcohol and substance abuse period. Nor is verbal abuse acceptable. You cannot do this work alone. I pray your husband finds the strength to get back on track and be there for you. You need nourishment of body and soul, no more burdens or strife.... Sending much love and many hugs your way, :hug::hug::hug: |
Alaina,
Glad you did finally make the trip to your parents. Your mother's support was really very special. Knowing you do have alternatives and if needed, a place to stay. Evidentially the conversations psychologist brought some pretty deep feelings to the surface. It is unfortunate reality took away the enjoyment of your weekend. Hopefully you will consider visiting your parents on a regular basis. You need to get away from this verbal abuse. It may help give you time to reconsider alternatives. Take care of yourself. Gerry |
How are you
Hi Alaina, thinking of you today. I'm wondering how you are and have things improved since you had your weekend away. I hope so :hug:
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Aliana,
I am so glad you got to make the trip to your parents house. Maybe you can go back again soon. Good to hear that you have their support, may that give you some peace. You are in my thoughts and prayers. peace zinnia |
Things have not been going so well for me lately. I will be heading up to my parents place again this weekend to see if that can bring me to a little better place again.
I have been having absolutely no support from my husband over the past two weeks. We are back in separate rooms again until next weekend when I will be most likely moving into my dad's rental house for a little while. I feel I can no longer depend on him for anything anymore. My mom has had to start driving me to my appointments. I have had to figure out how to start taking care of meals again. Then there is the drinking and anger issues. Things have escalated bad enough that it was recommended by my mom and my psychologist that I need to get out now before things turn physical. Having to deal this all of the sudden has just been too overwhelming for me. |
I'm so sorry Alaina, I'm thinking of you as you and all that you are facing. Sending you much love and strength :hug:
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If you have been
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Rather grief And tending to someone who can evidently Think he has things under control And behaving in such a manner As my children to me ANGRY I am ill and although Like yourself I must Not can't I must do for myself and grandchild While we watch the ones we love Treat I treat my dog who I miss soooooooo much Better than my family Talk to like dirt Push down when down and out Lied to As if I do not know my children You just know when something is up I am ashamed how my children behave We were shopping Meeting an elderly woman who stopped and says Look at the help you are getting As Eva puts items in the cart Four hours it took Did my back in Back to Eva Then Eva looks up hears again saying What wonderful help you are for grandma With the saddest face she replies My best friend Titti left (Corissa) And started to cry Then as I console her I start balling inside With this lump in my throat Pill myself together and did it Painfully but I did it What would I do without my meds I am only relieved to a five On that scale 0 to 10 Where would I be My Heavenly Father is in my soul I feel the lift It's gonna get better Because He is in control He will work it out for me and you I am so glad to see you have the support from Mom and Dad And Heavenly Father I pray we feel empowered It's gotta get better This much I beleive For the better Nobody can take the power we are given Free will But to do the right thing is who I choose to be I like who I am Get to that place Oh it is hard But you said it WE MUST DO FOR OURSELVES their life hasn't stopped Like ours We had no control over our body This you know Be well as you find solace at you parents place Keep moving forward If we don't Depression is waiting out my door And "it" will NOT get the best of me I worry about my daughter In a book she had laying around She makes two Reasons to stay Column one was guidance Column two was FREEDOM I never kept her hostage Her life was by her making I do not question my parenting As her father does not deal with the children in his life It will be the second very young wife To cook clean and deal with the children That means throwing shoes at them This is where she wants to be This I cannot control She is eighteen that magical age You get my drift Fearful she may never change and that person who throws pennies away Not to mention hers to throw This is what she did when living with me And that speaks volumes Staying strong As I know I set a good example In so many ways There is NO EXCUSE now my daughter Eva's mother Harassing me early in the morning I have to answer it would ring and ring and ring Three times Because Get this She misses me And was thinking about me Get the picture Told her not to worry You haven't in the past Stop calling with your empty stories how she is going to get her turd together She will be turning five How long does she expect me to wait Love Me |
Alaina,
I am so sorry this is happening to you. You don't deserve this kind of treatment. No one does. For your own welfare and safety; you need to move away from him. He does not appear to want to even try. You have done all you can. Thankfully, you have the support of your parents. Praying you will have the strength to do what you need to do. I realize it hurts; but you need to have peace in your life. Dealing with physical pain and then having to endure this mental pain is no longer an option. You need to take care of yourself. Gerry |
Alaina,
I hope you have a good weekend at your parents. You have sure been on my heart. I am so sorry you have to go through this. So glad you have the support of your parents. Thanks for checking in. Take care, zinnia |
Alaina, I hope that spending some time with your parents helps you.
:hug: |
Wednesday has been and gone here
I'm thinking of you and your packing. I hope and pray you are emotionally as well as you can be, that you are not alone and most of all you have not overdone it and put your pain wracked body in further pain. :hug::hug:
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May you both can find
Happiness
Where is it written we have but other to take care of Who Who takes care of us I have right now no man who is inconsiderate For me it's my children I spoke of a fella I met on the elevator Met him last night for the very first time He is sixty two And looks like Clint Eastwood Just a little for the visual We spoke a few times after I gave him my number He used it for Christmas Eve again at Easter Sunday Needless It felt strange having a man in my home My granddaughter was insure how to react I told her it was a new friend We spoke the entire time He looked at me a few times Ya know checking me out when he thaught I wasn't looking or I would catch him We got some things out of the way Meaning what I would hope to be looking for We could be friends The strange thing is I made it perfectly clear I was not interested in a booty call this I can get if I need that kind of attention At the end of the evening I walked him to the door Began opening up the door Undoing the chains And he leans in and kissed me Definately not expecting it after the talk we just had You would think I would be flattered I did not want a kiss That was for another time I wanted someone who wouldn't go there right away May you understand or not The stuff that has been the norm in my life is gone I am doing this alone I don't want to be alone But I am My daughter who recently took flight Texted me yesterday I was ready to return responses Selfish in her request When can she see Eva As if the separation was healty The child hurts so badly She goes through spurts throughout the day crying secretly drawing pictures of my daughter her and myself in hearts It is a trip and a half Holding on for dear LIFE LIFE As it comes On its terms Not allowing things to happen to us from others who we hoped we could count on I know I can come here and always find some comfort Thank you to those for that May I be empowering to others In Jesus I trust In God I beleive Be well Love me |
It has been a very stressful and sad week for me. I did end up leaving my husband on Wednesday. I am now at my sister's house where there is not a whole lot of room. While my niece is off at college, I am staying in her room. It is upstairs which makes things rather difficult for me. When she returns in a little over a week, we are not sure what is going to happen and where I will end up staying. I can not expect either of my nieces or my sister to give up their room or privacy. It is their home and although my mom has brought it up, I do not feel comfortable doing so. It makes me feel like a burden around here, which does not help me and my thoughts, and only adds to my sadness.
I also had my disability hearing on Wednesday as well. That went rather well. My lawyer knew exactly what questions were going to be asked and gave his suggestions on my answers prior to going in. He does not know how the ALJ would pass a denial based on what I had to say, the medical records they have, and what the occupational evaluation expert had to say. With such a busy day, I did have an appointment scheduled with my psychologist yesterday. Unfortunately, she ended up with a migraine and was only there for 5 minutes to talk briefly with me before heading home. These things happen. It just means that I will have to wait until next week to talk with her. I just wanted to come on here and say thank you everybody. :hug::hug::hug: You have all given me a great deal of caring and support while going through the most difficult time of my life. |
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It is good to hear about your progress. You have been in my thoughts and prayers. You have taken a big step. It must have been really hard to leave your husband and your home, sorry you have to go through this difficult time. Glad to hear you have the support of your sister and family, your sister may be really glad that she is able to be there for you. You will get through this one baby step at a time, one day at a time. It helps me to know, no matter what I am going through, this too shall pass, that I am going >>>>>>through>>>>>. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, and it is not an oncoming train. :-) It is good to hear that your disability hearing went well. I am sure you are glad to get that done, another big step. It sounds like you have a good lawyer. You are working through many things, it will take time. Take care and thanks for sharing with us. (((((Aliana))))) peace zinnia |
Alaina,
I hope you are able to get some rest. Snuggle down in your new nest and let it all goooo. Take a few deep breaths. Wish I could remember more often to focus on my breath, as it is so calming. I guess it is like anything you have to practice, practice, practice until it becomes a part of you. Anything to take the focus off of the pain. I was just playing my keyboard that helps me to focus on something good. I know I need to focus on the things I can do. Tomorrow I will make us Swiss Steak, one step at a time, then go and rest, it may take all morning, but I will get it in the oven. Sweet dreams peace zinnia |
Aliana,
I have been checking in hoping you would soon post. I realize this has to be very difficult for you at this time. This only shows what a strong lady you are. I'm sure your accommodations will eventually work themselves out. It will take time. Know our thoughts are with you. Gerry |
It has been too long since I have last posted on here. I am still struggling to pull myself together again. My psychologist claims she can see a difference since my first appointment with her, but I told her that I do not see it myself. Perhaps it is just me. I know that seeing an improvement in mood can be difficult to see in yourself.
My PM and psychologist have raised my Effexor up to near the maximum that I can take. If there is a difference, I do not know if it would be from the Effexor, from a reduction in the amount of stress and problems at home, or a little of both. I have been spending a lot more time up at my parents place lately. Up here at least every other weekend. This time, I have been here since Thursday, and will be heading back to my sister's house again tomorrow afternoon. We are still unsure of where everyone is planning on sleeping now that my niece is back home from school. As spring moves on and summer comes, my mom and I plan on spending most of the time up here. The couple of days a month that we will be down state, I am sure things will work themselves out. I did have two enjoyable days for a change. My parents invited a couple of their long time friends over to visit for the weekend. I have not seen them in nearly 8 years. They have a daughter just a few years younger than I that became a good friend of my own growing up. It was nice to hear that she is doing well with two children of her own. Just catching up and hearing all the things happening in their lives made the weekend enjoyable. Although I have no intention of going back to my husband, I do miss the good things about him that show up from time to time. Hopefully we can still keep a friendship together. I am upset that I have had to leave my little girl, an absolutely sweetheart of a dog that I rescued 9 years ago, but she and my sisters dog do not get along very well. |
Alaina
It is good to hear from you. I am glad that you are enjoying your time with your parents, getting away is always good, a change of scenery. It sounds like a beautiful place. Springtime brings such beauty into our lives. I am glad you got to spend time with your parents friends. It must be encouraging that your psychologist is seeing an improvement. I am glad you have her to talk to. Be gentle with yourself, it takes time to work through all that you have been through. You have taken some big steps, it will take time to adjust. One day at a time. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. You are in my thoughts and prayers. :-) peace zinnia |
Good to learn you are taking some positive steps; maybe just "baby" steps; but all the same you are focused on getting better.
It would be good if you and your husband could remain friends. Just have to be careful not to remember only the good times; which can lead to you possibly forgetting some of the reasons you decided to leave. I read, quite some time ago, the one thing we should not do when divorcing or separating from one's former spouse is to date them. It just seems all too comfortable and can lead back to the old relationship again. (Unless of course, there is definitely a big change in him for the good.) As always; we care and hope you will soon enjoy more good times. Gerry |
Alaina, I am glad to read about your good days.
I might understand what your psychologist said about seeing an improvement. I had a very similar experience in the early stages of dealing with my clinical depression - my psychologist said pretty much the same thing - at the time I was doubtful but, with hindsight, she was right. I hope that will be true for you as well. :hug: |
hi purple. i hope you are doing okay. i am so sorry you are having such a tough time. having rsd is hard enough but to deal with a breakup and not being able to take your dog must be very difficult. i hope that you and your husband can remain friends and that you ask for visitation rights to see your dog. i also hope you know you are not alone. as you can see on this forum the people here care and are always there for support. i care too and am here if you want to talk. i am having some issues with my spouse right now and am not sure where our future will lead to either. and i worry about my pets too. i see a psychiatrist to help with my clinical depression and a pm dr to help deal with my rsd. i am thinking about also seeing a psychologist to help me cope with my rsd, marriage and brother who is battling addiction right now. i am very overwhelmed but know that i know i will get through with the Faith i have. i am proud of you for seeing a dr and sharing your life with others here at NT. you are not alone and the fact that your dr sees improvement in you is great news! you may not see it but they know when you are getting better and stronger. just take things a day at a time and know how so very proud i am of you for your bravery and courage. you are an inspiration to me. hope you feel better soon. soft hugs.:hug:
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And wish the same To thy self be true It is good to see others share The hard core issues I choose to be open I would not want to sugar coat any of it IT IS REAL I hope to be understood My Heavenly Father is my rock I cast no stones I am real It is ALL real Love Me I too miss my dog It hurts to talk about him |
i miss the last dog i had too. he was always by my side and we loved each other unconditionally. he was born on nov 22, 2000 and passed away on march 26th 2011 from lupus. i knew him since he was four days old. he truly was my best friend and i miss him so much. it never gets easier but i carry him in my heart always as i know he does the same for me. i am sorry you lost your dog too eva. it is too hard for me to talk about losing him as well but i wanted to share so you knew i understood and that i care. i believe we will be with them again someday in heaven:hug:
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(((((( Alaina ))))))
Hi Alaina,
I have just read though this thread. I am very sorry for all of the pain you have endured. I hope this has led to changes, although difficult at the time, which may prove very helpful in the longer run? I have been away from NT, somewhat overwhelmed with life, too. In time, we all do better after the pain of the realizations, the insights, the changes, the loss and grieving... and moving on. Please do give yourself plenty of self-compassion and time to grieve your loss with your husband. It all takes time. ((((((((( Alaina ))))))))))))) Offering Much Love and Support Your Way, wherever you are right now. Let's trust all is working out for your highest good.;) You are on my heart.:hug: Love All Around, :grouphug: |
Well, it has been quite a while since I have made any postings on NT. I just wanted to give an update to let everybody know that I am doing OK.
Things were not working out all that well at my sister's house after my niece moved back in for her summer break from college. There was just too much chaos going on in too small of a space for my mom to feel comfortable staying there. I am almost always up at my parents house now, only coming down to Metro Detroit for my doctor appointments. With so much moving around, trying to get settled in to one place, I just seem to have a difficult time finding the time to post anything on NT. I have had a lot of stress lifted off of me in the past couple of months. I was finally approved for SSDI, I officially changed my address to my parents, I have changed my health insurance over from my husbands name into my own and upgraded it from an HMO to a PPO, and I am scheduled to go in for a trial with a Nevro SCS beginning the 14th of July. My husband and I are still trying our hardest to maintain a friendship, but we both know that the marriage is over. I have started looking at what procedures are involved in starting divorce proceedings and am hoping that we can work together to be able to handle it without any lawyers. With all of that stress lifted, and the Effexor finally helping, I am feeling much better. I am still dealing with quite a bit of anxiety, and the depression still comes and goes at times, but my thoughts are much better than they were just a few months ago. I am hoping to find the time to post a little more often from now on. Thank you all so much for cheering me on and giving me the great support you all have given over these past few rather difficult months. |
hi alaina. i am so happy things are looking up for you. congrats on being awarded ssdi. i am sorry about your marriage but i am proud of you for being so strong and having a plan on how to move on. it looks like you are heading in the right direction. i hope your trial scs help to provide you with some pain relief from your rsd. you may just want to get several opinions on doing that procedure before you get the trial. i have not tried it yet (saving it as a possible last resort if my meds stop helping). i have heard people who say it helps and hope it will for you too. keep up the positive outlook on life. staying positive helps reduce stress which helps reduce pain as you have already experienced. i feel in my heart that you will manage whatever comes your way with success because you never give up. you are a true rsd warrior. sending soft hugs your way. love and prayers.:hug:
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