Aside from spending my day doing a lot of *** sitting, an occasional flurry of something to do and then nothing.

I used to be a division 1 college athlete, played tennis every week, ran AAU track, just did stuff.

Do people ever really stop and think that when they tell you, "you could be worse, it beats the alternative, you could have, look at this guy, etc.." that it doesn't make a bit of a difference? I feel for that guy and his family but this is ME.

I just went out to get the mail (yes I had my walker,) bumped into a corner and over I went. Maybe the "alternative" isn't worse, how do they know?

SD I wish things could be different for you.

I write this with tears running down my face
It dose t take much for me to be put into a sand state
I don't know what the f it is
Went to sleep after three and was up at
seven thirty went to the bathroom
Looked into the mirror bent over to wash my face
Apparently I was crying in my sleep
until pain just shot through me
Just ten minutes earlier I took my first set of meds for the day
Lie in bed write and wait for them to wash over the crumbling body
I so get you friend
It wonderful I could still look good
This body invisible until I move
Or rather limited in movement
I started to think of my father
And how he was only forty seven years old
when he killed himself
And
Wondered what was he going through to have had the nerve to pull the trigger
Two days ago
A little after eight on the eighth floor someone had company
that was staying and the fifty year old company jumped eight floors to his death
I began to wonder in a timelike fashion
What shape ill be in if I should live another ten years
My granddaughter fifteen
What the f is going on with this body
To take a fall
A hit such as that because of our status
May it be ones gait or their walker
Walker this is what I have to look into next
My body needs to be held up with help
I ****** me off when someone says you move so swiftly
And I think to myself what the f are you talking about
They have no clue the pain it took to do as I do
I have slowed down to a speed that belongs in a coffin
I am in bed more than up
But when I'm up I am at my best and rip through
the s**t that needs to be done to run a household
It isn't easy for me to have my youngest home with me
Eighteen she is and to get help
Let's just say not today
I'm not in the right way
Having to start my day with empowering myself isn't easy
I write it has been my RESPITE such as now
Hoping to get through to you
I understand
I hear you loud and clear
I started to say when frustrated
I'm sorry I don't bleed for you to get it
My lower back is taking me out early this morning
I get up
I stretch while in bed
I try to be limber up the best I can
The pressure in my head is up there today
Rain is in the day
My ears still haven't popped yet its over a week
S.U.C.K.S. at times when you want to do just a bit
like we were before we became chronically ill
I ask for a miracle everyday
Everyday
Heavenly Father
Help my friend who needs
healing
I pray for all of us
In Jesus name
You hang on
Us
Whenever you need to
Did you hurt yourself badly when you took that tumble
We're you home alone
This I worry about sometimes
How badly did my father feel to have done what he did
I know that pain and depression
can put someone like myself in a very scary place
if I don't keep myself in check
It isn't easy friend
I wish happiness for us in the day
Something to make me belly laugh
That's what we need
A belly laugh
Thinking of you and others here
Just don't stop writing
You help me help myself
Me

You might explore our Survivors of Suicide forum. It is for those that think about end of life and support for the family members of those that did end their life..
http://www.neurotalk.org/forum29/

Hello SDFencer: It's been a few days since you posted this. I hope you are feeling at least a bit better. I would simply like to send some warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find deep peace within...