[mommy]

Hello im new here to this site. Iv been going through some pretty horrible times in the last year or so actually its been more like the last 5 or 6 years. Im disabled and many people seem to have a problem with that fact about me. I have been stalked, made fun of, my reputation in this town is completly shot where I live.

Im so down sometimes i don't see how I can keep going on. I don't understand people at all!!!

I had to quit my job because I became so exstreamly afraid of people I could not come out of my house.

I am now barely hanging on, Im still not able to come out of my house unless its to go to a member of families house and even thats becomeing hard.

I don't know how to keep on going,,,

Im a christian too so when i think of ending it all, I have to fight with that trying to understand GODs word on the whole sistuation.

Thanks for letting me vent I have no where elese to talk..

xena

[dorrie]

Xena Hi and welcome to the community! My mom has struggled with anxiety and fear for many years. This of course can cause horrible depression. I remember a time when she couldn't come out of the house either. In time if she did manage to go out my Dad had to park somewhere close where the car could not possibly get blocked in so that if and when she was ready she could go. I remeber how she would get and I knew she felt trapped and frustrated. I think that you are a wonderful place here on these message boards. There are so many people who can help. They are so kind and they really do care too! Hang in there Xena.....and keep posting here. Hugs to you

[mommy]

thank you dorrie, yes thats exactly how I have felt all my life, Trapped because of my disabilities because im so limitted in the things i can and can't do. its horrible! and then to top it all off to be stalked and made fun of.

Who wants to come out of there house when thats the way they will be treated, who wants to work in an enviorment like that?

NOT ME!

and I offten wonder whats the point when thats the kind of life you have to live.


xena

[dorrie]

Xena Life is always worth living, Sweetie! There are alway rainbows after thunderstorms! I always like to give a certain tidbit of advice because I have seen it work. My Mom is the one who always reminds me of it. I have suffered from anxiety and panic attacks and she always tells me to SLOW DOWN! She means to slow down in everything I do. Talk slower, eat slower, move slower....do everything slower. It is calming. I know that it is really hard to practice but just keep at it. It has helped me and many of my friends, including my manager at work. She, like me, becomes overwhelmed and we have both started to consciencely slow ourselves down. It really does help! My mom lives by that rule and she has came so far! She used to cry when I would go to leave to go home....this tore me up as I needed to leave at the time. She would not leave the house but did not want to be alone either....she would beg me to wait till my Dad came home. She cried alot of the time. Fear....she knows that now...was holding her back. Each person is different and goodness knows where the fear may come from but it is there and it is very REAL! Xena have you ever talked to a doctor about it? These boards are good as well. I wish you had a better responce from people on here....usually there is alot of people responding. Hang in there and keep on posting! I am here and I hope that helps. I want you to be OK. I know it sounds dum but think of the things that you are grateful for in life....those things are worth hanging on for. I got sobe that way and on July 30 2007 I will be celebrating 7 years of sobriety!! It was not easy but I knew that I wanted my life to get better and over time it did. You should browse around the internet as well....not just for info on your problems but also for some inspiration! Remember the Footprints poem.....god is carrying you, Xena! Have faith in that. Reach out for his help as well...it is always there! I will post again later!Thinking of you Dorrie xo

[Chemar]

Hi Xena

I want to welcome you to NeuroTalk and also to say how very sad it makes me to know you have been so horribly treated by people.

I too can never understand how people can be so cruel to others, especially when we have limitations in health. I thank God that there ARE caring people in this world and I pray that He will lead them to you, Xena

Our community here is one filled with those caring people, and although I know that even close cyber friends cant ever fully accomplish what person to person real life contact can, yet I know for myself some of my closest and dearest friends for life are ones I have never met "in the flesh"

I am sooooo very thankful that you have come to join in this very real community of people who are here for one primary reason....to share each others struggles and triumphs and experiences, and to help each other along the way.

Xena, you mentioned your faith, which I share, and so I was wondering if you have a church fellowship? The mark of a Christian fellowship group should be their love for the Lord followed by their care for one another. I would truly hope you could find such a church, because I can speak from personal experience when I say it makes all the difference in the world to be surrounded by a group, nomatter how small, who you resonate with in spirit.

again, welcome and I am so glad you found us
God Bless
Cheri

[dreambeliever128]

I have delt with depression all of my life and have been suicidal also.
I know a lot of what you are going through.

As Chemar says, you should find a Church to join. I know that is easier said then done also. Like you, I still have trouble leaving my home and I have an implant put in me for depression. It was put in me in April and this month has seemed like it is doing nothing for me. My depression has been through the roof and I find it hard to leave the house also.

I do go to councelling. I have been in it for over 8 years to try and get to where I feel like I'm normal. I have never felt normal. I have been ill all of my life also and I hate being around people. Even though I have good family and good support, it doesn't change how I feel.

My husband use to go places and let me stay at home. When we first got married in 72, I would go everywhere with him and I went to work and supported our daughter after he became disabled and thought I was leading somewhat of a normal life. Back in 87, I had a setback and went right back into the black hole that you are in now.

The greatest thing that helps me is councelling. If you find a good councellor that will listen to you and you will soon find you have a friend in him or her.

i hope you do find a way to reach out in your neighborhood for some help to get you through these hard times.

You will love it here. There are so many good people here that will work hard at helping you through what you are going through.

This is my home away from the home I have trouble leaving so I know this will be a good place for you to come to and talk to people and fill the void you have by not being able to get out.

Like you, I don't even like to go to families homes. I haven't been back home in over 4 years because I can't do it. I have just came to accept where I am now. I'm ok with it and that's what you have to do is become ok with where you are at right now.

I hope you do stay here with us.

Ada

[ConsiderThis]

Hi Ada and Zena,

I used to not ever be depressed, but then so many depressing things happened... it was so stressful for SO MANY YEARS...

I think stressful things wear us out.

What happened for me that was a lifesaver (ha) is that when I tried to kill myself in 1997, they did a B12 test and found I had "profound" anemia... b12 deficiency.

But they failed to do much about it (I was taken out of the hospital and put in jail for weeds in my yard.)

But after awhile I got B12 replacement therapy, and after I had a lot of B12 replacement the feeling of depression was replaced by a lot more hopeful thinking.

So what I think now... is that for me the depression was related to how bad my memory became... I couldn't remember any good times, just the stressful ones.

If someone is having depression and has dealt with a lot of stress, I would really wish for them to try vitamin b12... quite a lot of it. A small amount wasn't very helpful to me... it was after I saw a neurologist and he said I should take more when I was under stress, and I did, that I began to have some real improvement.

Now I'm very seldom depressed. Court stuff can make me depressed, because the judges sometimes seem so corrupt...

But that's a long story.

[mommy]

iv been on B12 and all other kinds of vitamins my problem is not that, i have dealt with discrimination all my life includeing by family members, my disability is not what most people have, I have been dx'ed with MR all my life. I teeter back and foruth from being able to be independent to needing help at times.

As a child I had IQ's 64 and some in the 50ties I have worked hard to try to make it in this world on my own but, I keep falling down all the time.

well now life is so hard I can't deal with it im ready for God to take me.

it seems there is no hope left for my life..



mommy

[ConsiderThis]

Oh.

It's very hard having a disability. I know exactly what you mean about the way people treat you.

I used to be really bright and I was so good at talking... always the right words.
But then I fell and hit my head and I was living in hydrogen sulfide... and now I get confused a lot. But I still have a good vocabulary some of the time, so people either seem to be taking advantage of me because I'm slow, or expecting more from me than I can possibly do.

Do you mean that you are actually falling down? like to the ground?

Do you know what is causing that?

I fall, I think it's from the nerve damage. But it's been a few weeks since I fell.

Do you have any idea what your B12 level is? I know you don't think that's a part of your problem... it's just that for me my level had to get a LOT higher before it helped. When my B12 level goes below 900 then I start feeling really depressed... and stress lowers my B12 level.

You sound as if you have a lot of stress.

(((((((Mommy))))))))

Is there something that you like to do? What do you like to do?

[mommy]

well im really good at triping over my own feet, running into the wall, but what I mean is my life keeps crashing on me. I seem to be able to handle independenc for awhile then I crash and burn and I need someone to pick me back up again. I have a really hard time understanding people and the way they do things it all seems like Im some kind of alian on this planet or something cuz peoples ways make no sence to me.

I have a really hard time haveing friends because I just don't understand them but, children seem to really like me alot and I understand them alot better then I do adults.

but teenagers I don't understand at all...

life is lonely for me and very hard ..

mommy