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Old 01-10-2008, 10:31 AM #1
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Default Depression gets Worse Everyday!!

I don't even know where to start....I have withdrawn into myself and don't know what to do about it! My life has been one big roller coaster since the surgery that more or less ended my life as I knew it.....family has pulled away from me, some accusing me of being a junkie since I have to take narcotics to survive, and I guess I am just no longer any fun since I am unable to do much....some think I am faking (God I wish I were) and others just don't like being around someone disabled. I used to keep a online journal at another site but I lost close friends there and just can't go back...and here I don't know where to post, I fit in so many areas but because of my distrust of people, (online and IRL ) I can't seem to click with anyone and I just know I can't go on like this forever.
I saw a therapist for months and he felt I was making progress and released me pending further help, but now we have a new year with new deductibles and I can't afford the meds I am on now along with hubby who had yet another heart attack at the end of last year so we are broke, helping our kids to the point we can barely get by (hubby's idea) and worries about money, wondering if I will survive 3 families under one roof is making me even crazier. The kids and wives all now work but it is a huge strain on our budget. I even went off my hormone cream and lasix to save money and all it got me is 30 lbs of fluid wt, so Dr made me go back on them however I am waiting for the mail order hormones (its a compound bio identical hormones since I can't take estrogen and there comes the lasix, I blow up with fluid when I take it and I guess when I don't take the other)! Hubby is in his own little world of misery barely speaks to anyone and it feels like I am invisible here unless I am needed for something (like cooking and cleaning) and I can barely walk! I am still waiting on disability since may of 06 (denied 2 or 3 times so far) and I am 50. I used to be a nurse, now I am nothing and no one. I guess I sound crazy but I don't know where else to turn. Thanks for listening to my rambling.
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Back injury 1999, PN,DDD, Spinal Stenosis, Arthritis, Chronic pain, Lumbar Fusion 6-06, Pain Worse then Ever Since!10-10-06 Arachnoiditis! CES! now numbness from waist to thighs, bowel, bladder paralysis, self caths, chronic constipation. Left sided weakness! No appetite depression! Bed 22 hrs day!
Under care of PM 3 years. Diabetic, lost over 100 lbs was 300+, now 174 lbs. Normal labs, diet controlled!
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Old 01-10-2008, 02:00 PM #2
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Heart

When I read your post I thought of this.....

The Invisible Woman
It started to happen gradually .
One day I was walking my son Jake to school. I was
holding his hand and we were about to cross the
street when the crossing guard said to him, "Who is
that with you, young fella?"

"Nobody," he shrugged.

Nobody? The crossing guard and I laughed. My son is
only 5, but as we crossed the street I thought, "Oh
my goodness, nobody?"

I would walk into a room and no one would notice. I
would say something to my family - like "Turn the TV
down, please" - and nothing would happen. Nobody
would get up, or even make a move for the remote. I
would stand there for a minute, and then I would say
again, a little louder, "Would someone turn the TV
down?" Nothing.

Just the other night my husband and I were out at a
party. We'd been there for about three hours and I
was ready to leave. I noticed he was talking to a
friend from work. So I walked over, and when there
was a break in the conversation, I whispered, "I'm
ready to go when you are." He just kept right on
talking.

I'm invisible.

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the
lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk
into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be
taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you
see I'm on the phone?" Obviously not. No one can see
if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the
floor, or even standing on my head in the corner,
because no one can see me at all.

I'm invisible.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more:
Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open
this?

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a
human being. I'm a clock to ask, "What time is it?"
I'm a satellite guide to answer, "What number is the
Disney Channel?" I'm a car to order, "Right around
5:30, please."

I was certain that these were the hands that onc e
held books and the eyes that studied history and the
mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they
had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be
seen again.

She's going¸ she's going¸ she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner,
celebrating the return of a friend from England.
Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip,
and she was going on and on about the hotel she
stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at
the others all put together so well. It was hard not
to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked
down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing
I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was
pulled up in a banana clip and I was afraid I could
actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling
pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a
beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I brought
you this."

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I
was n't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I
read her inscription: "To Charlotte, with admiration
for the greatness of what you are building when no
one sees."

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the
book. And I would discover what would become for me,
four life-changing truths, after which I could
pattern my work:

No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we
have no record of their names.

These builders gave their whole lives for a work
they would never see finished.

They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.

The passion of their building was fueled by their
faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who
came to visit the cathedral while it was being
built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on
the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the
man, "Why are you spending so much time carving that
bird into a beam th at will be covered by the roof?
No one will ever see it."

And the workman replied, "Because God sees."

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall
into place. It was almost as if I heard God
whispering to me, "I see you, Charlotte. I see the
sacrifices you make every day, even when no one
around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no
sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is
too small for me to notice and smile over. You are
building a great cathedral, but you can't see right
now what it will become."

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction.
But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It
is the cure for the disease of my own
self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong,
stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a
great builder. As one of the people who show up at a
job that they will never see finished, to work on
something that their name w ill never be on. The
writer of the book went so far as to say that no
cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime
because there are so few people willing to sacrifice
to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to
tell the friend he's bringing home from college for
Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in the morning
and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a
turkey for three hours and presses all the linens
for the table." That would mean I'd built a shrine
or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to
come home. And then, if there is anything more to
say to his friend, to add, "You're gonna love it
there."

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We
cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day,
it is very possible that the world will marvel, not
only at what we have built, but at the beauty that
has been added to the world by the sacrifices of
invisible women.


*********************

Please know that you are not alone even though it feels that way.
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Old 01-10-2008, 05:19 PM #3
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I believe in the expression "what we think about expands," and although it is very difficult to do at times, I think it is important to at least make the effort to chase away any negative thoughts. Literally chase or force them away and/or replace them with healthier thoughts. This could be compared to when someone wants to go on a diet and they replace any candy bars in their home with fruit and vegetables. So, when you have thoughts that you are "nobody," try to force in a thought that makes a "correction" to that thought. So, for example, think about all the times in your life that you were helpful to another person or things that you have done during the week that took great effort, yet you were able to accomplish your task anyway.
You might want to ask your former therapist if you could go back less often than before (for example, every other week as opposed to weekly if that is what you were doing previously). In addition, I would tell any nosey relatives that you wish you did NOT have to take pain medication and that you hope that you can soon reduce your pain medication and maybe even some day get off of it. But for now, this is what you need to be comfortable and that you are grateful to the doctors and medical science that this treatment is available to you. You might add that no one in their right mind would wish to have pain daily and be forced to take medication to treat it. Remind them that you are trying the best you can under very difficult circumstances. If they can not accept this, so be it. Continue fighting for disability if you are unable to work, and see an attorney who specializes in this area if you continue to be denied. Fill your heart and mind with uplifting literature like books, music and programs and do your best...fight the good fight...to push away negative thoughts and replace them with strong ones.
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Old 01-10-2008, 05:58 PM #4
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Thank you.....I get what you are saying, but each day that passes I feel more and more as if I fade more and more into nothingness. I have tried speaking to both my sons and husband in the last hour and one just looked at me with that go away look, one came in from work and walked past me and snapped his fingers as he went by to talk to his dad and hubby did that shush I am watching Tv when I tried to tell him something important. Both DIL's said less then 5 words today and it was in response to something I said then I was dismissed. One of them left a 3 y/o for me to babysit without telling me he was here (was supposed to be in daycare today and I asked her to never do that again since I had no idea he was here and I could have easily left him here alone) and the other informed me she wanted the loveseat out of my living room in her room and I just told her I would consider it and walked away. If not for my dog I would get in my car and drive until it would go no further. I do believe in God but I always keep my feelings and beliefs on that subject in my head as I do not ever discuss certain things anywhere.
I don't know if I can learn how to trust again, and I know if I don't get my walls down around my heart I will end up a lonely cold btter old woman and that scares the hell out of me!
My home has been turned upside down no less then 10 times in the last 2 years, I feel it should be called the heartbreak hotel. I am so tired and all used up!
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Back injury 1999, PN,DDD, Spinal Stenosis, Arthritis, Chronic pain, Lumbar Fusion 6-06, Pain Worse then Ever Since!10-10-06 Arachnoiditis! CES! now numbness from waist to thighs, bowel, bladder paralysis, self caths, chronic constipation. Left sided weakness! No appetite depression! Bed 22 hrs day!
Under care of PM 3 years. Diabetic, lost over 100 lbs was 300+, now 174 lbs. Normal labs, diet controlled!
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Old 01-18-2008, 12:24 PM #5
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Default Hi Junie,

I can totally relate to you.

I use to tell my Dr. that when I took my walks each day I just wanted to keep walking until I got to the end of the world or wherever the road ended. The same way with driving, I wanted to drive until I could drive no further in the world.

I also feel like no one is listening to me at times. I am always telling my Dr. that I am talking but nobody's listening.

I believe what you have to do is make people listen to you. It's like my youngest Grandson. He's 13. He use to have this thing with not listening to anyone. They have to repeat themselves over and over. Finally with him, I started setting him down and taking his face in my hands and turning him toward me and telling him what I wanted. Now he listens to me when I talk to him. With the older people I think it's a matter of satting them down and explaining what you want from them and then asking them if there is any part of it that they don't get.

Depression makes you feel like you don't fit in anywhere and it also makes you feel like you don't want to fit in anywhere. That's because it makes you feel like you don't want to be around anyone to fit in anywhere.

I use to lock myself in my bedroom and not let anyone around me to talk to me. I had a husband though that wouldn't give up on me. He was always trying to help me and take care of me. I think too at times they give up on us because we don't seem to be getting anywhere with our depression and after trying for so long to help us, they finally don't know what to do next. As I said, I was blessed with Bill being there for me even when I didn't want him to be. Now that he's gone, I wish I could have been better about having him around me all of the time. I do think we were made for each other even though we had our ups and downs at times.

You do still need therapy. There is no way you can get through this deep of a depression without councelling and meds. A lot of the meds don't work so you may not find one that does the job for you. My depression was so deep that nothing did anything for it. Prozac made me more suicidal and so did Zoloft.

Another thing, our minds and brains are working all of the time with depression. Even meditation and prayer didn't do what we needed it to do for me. Now I have a VNS in me and it's not doing what we had hoped besides causing me many other problems. Back to you, sorry. You do need to try meditation and prayer to help you along with the councelling. A good Dr. can tell if you still need help. That's my thought. If they have spent a lot of time with you then they should know if you are ready to be released. Some councellors can actually make a person worse. My husband had one that was going through a divorce and the man was crazy. I wrote him a 3 page letter explaining why I thought he was wrong for what he had councelled to Bill. Make sure you have a good Councellor. They are few and far between. Most are about the money. I saw 3 Physchologist and 2 Physchatrist before I finally found someone that was willing to help me through what I am going through.
My son-in-law's sister found a councellor that she really likes and he cut her payments in half so that she could come in.

Dealing with depression, it's hard to survive 3 families under one roof. I tried that several times and it never worked. We are too stressed out and worried and depressed to do it. Actually, I don't know if a normal person could do it. LOL

Make sure your DIL understands she is not to leave the child again without letting you know. Sometimes it doesn't matter how many times you tell a person something, they don't seem to get it. That was very stupid of her to leave a child and not even care if you knew he was there. That's my feelings anyway.

It's not always us and our depression that makes things seem wrong. We just need to deal with what we know is wrong.

I am sorry that you are having health problems and your hubby too. I went through that also. It's not easy to do it.

I hope you start feeling better and that the depression soon lifts. Make sure though you get the help you need to get it down.

Ada
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