Hi,
OK so I have had nothing but good things going lately. Good grades, even though my heart is just not into school right now....Laura got my grandma's house, things are going a bit better physically, I started talking to my former best friend again yesterday after not talking for a few months following a big misunderstanding....and the list goes on.
But, I am so sad. Every time I have to go to school, or think about school, I get all frustrated and start crying....I can't wait to get back home where I can be by myself. I know school is important in reaching my goals of giving back to the mental health profession but I just don't feel like doing it. I am doing it for others, not for myself. My dream is to work on the ACT team as an advocate one day....and my therapist made an ID card type thing with the company logo, my picture, and name, etc. but I look at that and just wonder how I am ever going to get there.
I am really even having trouble doing everyday things like keeping my small apartment clean, washing dishes, laundry, etc. Laura thinks I am just being lazy about school and that stuff, but I am not. I am really having a hard time. I was on cogentin previously, and one of the reasons I was taken off it was extremely dry mouth. I couldn't even swallow....but anyway....since being taken off it, I haven't been doing well with things like attention span and sitting still in class. I do it, but I don't listen half the time to what is being said. It isn't that bad to do that in my other 2 classes, but not in children's lit. I am really afraid to tell my doctor this, for fear he is going to say I am looking for an out....but I am not. I am just struggling....and I think I need the cogentin added again. I don't think he will do it though.
For one, this is a terrible time of year for me. I haven't figured out why, but it is. I always end up in the crisis home or hospital about this time.
I told my therapist I wasn't doing too swift about going to school and all that, but I only told her part of the story....that the caravan I have to use is not reliable, cramped, and etc.
I have been previously dxed with social phobia, and I think it is rearing its ugly head once again. Either that or just a really stubborn bout of major depression that keeps hanging on even though things are going well (to an outsider)
I have thought about online classes to finish at least my bachelor's degree, but I don't do well without the interaction of the professors on a weekly basis. I have tried it before. I know it is not healthy, but I only see one way of solving this....to be by myself. But, that is one of my behaviors that I have when I am depressed that can lead to other bad behaviors for me.
Even though things seem to be going well, and I am told to focus on that, I truly feel like there is a chemical problem right now because I can't seem to feel good about stuff that I should. How do I go about showing the doctor how serious I am about this? (Aside from letting him read the posts) because I don't think he'd take it seriously enough...Is it a good idea to tell him that I feel at the last appointment, my feelings were discounted? I just don't think he'll listen.....because he'll see my success in my good grades and think I am just doing this for attention. He is that kind of guy. Unfortunately, I can't see another doctor because if I want to stay in ACT, I have to see this one. So, that is out.
I guess I just needed to vent, and any suggestions to help me through this would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.

((((((Kelly)))))),

This is just a suggestion, but try this:

from: http://www.recovery-inc.com/

Sign up to have the newsletter mailed to you. And try to attend a couple of meetings to see if it will work for you.

You can learn more about Dr. Abraham Low by reading the website. Basically, he founded Recovery, Incorporated decades and decades ago. His original thought was that "mental patients" (sorry about the phrase -- he's from the 40s and 50s) needed some help to be able to cope after leaving the psychiatric hospital. Both 'Ann Landers' and 'Dear Abby' recommended his procedures very highly when they were alive.

His idea was that no matter how 'lousy' you feel, you can still 'move your muscles' and 'moving your muscles' and finishing something gives you a feeling of accomplishment -- which helps to raise your self-esteem -- which helps to make you feel better <<-->> a nice little UP circle.

The meetings are free or nearly so -- there might be a slight charge for coffee and for cleaning the meeting area. There are several books that are used at the meetings -- you can probably share at first or borrow from a library until you see if this is for you.

I know what you mean about this time of year being 'difficult'. My Brother committed suicide on October 24th 40 years ago. Most of my family members have passed in October. My Mom's birthday would be November 1st. My Dad passed on November 30/December 1. And they change the clocks -- which really messes with my head and my body for a few weeks.

Basically, I don't like the dark. And I don't like to be closed in. I like to keep all the windows open. Winter is *NOT* my season

I've been fighting clinical depression since I was 16. Runnin' up on almost 50 years I've learned over the years a lot of different coping techniques for keeping myself pretty stable and for realizing what's going on when I start sliding. That's ONE SKILL that you need to learn -- recognize the symptoms.

You may very well 'need' the cogentin; but, it sounds like you probably won't get it. And the other thing to realize is that if it gives you extreme dry mouth, you're gonna end up with huge dental problems. Hardly seems worth the trade

Kelly, I think you're right about the 'chemical' part. I imagine not too far into the future that they will be able to do a blood or urine test and find out what chemical you're missing and just give that one chemical to you. In the meantime, they give us drugs that cause other problems.

I was on prozac for over ten years. The insurance company switched me over to the generic 'cause it's cheaper. I cannot take the generic -- it makes me suicidal. So ... I stopped taking it. Taking something else now. The thing that I didn't now about prozac is that you need to ramp down s-l-o-w-l-y and stopping it quickly can cause major side effects. I've started skin-picking. My skin is so bad and so sore. I keep asking to be put back on the prozac. They want to stop my effexor xr and put me on the prozac. OR, increase my effexor xr -- which makes me feel like I'm taking speed -- don't sleep at all. I wish the medical community would listen, but they don't.

I've just recently learned that these drugs SSRI and SNRI actually alter our brain physiology and chemistry. Big surprise -- :NOT:

So, Kelly, we need to learn how to do things for ourself. That's why I suggested the Recovery, Incorporated group, 'cause I think you'll get a lot of benefit from it. It's very similar to a lot of the newer therapies. You only use certain words to describe how you're feeling. And you 'move your muscles'.

I think too, Kelly, that you need to get in touch with **YOURSELF**. You shouldn't be going to school just because someone else wants you to. Even though schooling is a perfectly fine goal. You've invested so much into that, you'll probably want to continue.

What you really need to learn how to do is LISTEN TO YOURSELF. This has worked for me when I get 'stuck'. Get some big sheets of paper -- the bigger the better. Get some big fat crayons. Sit on the floor, if you can. Or sit on your bed. With no one else around. And draw and write. Draw your life. Draw your body. Draw your feelings. Draw clouds on the paper and put words in them about how you feel about your life and your self and your school and your family and friends. Try connecting the clouds that are related with lines. You'll see patterns.

I was having really horrendous pain in both my wrists. The pain on the left was from a very bad fall. They couldn't figure out what was going on with the right wrist. The technician that did the nerve and muscle conduction tests could feel (with his hands -- he's from the Far East) that there was something going on in the right wrist; but, nothing showed up.

I did the drawing -- I drew my pain. In the drawing I had a knife in my hand and I was trying to chop my hands off at the wrists. My Brother was trying to pull me in with him and the only way that I could stop him pulling on my hands was to cut them off at the wrists. This all came from a drawing and a dream. In the dream, he told me to let him go. This was like 30 years after his suicide.

If you're really honest with yourself and use the BIG paper and the BIG crayons, you will see patterns and answers. If you want to share those patterns and answers with your therapist, that's fine. But, the whole reason that you would be doing this would be to answer your own questions. You've obviously got something going on at this time of year that's causing a problem for you. You might find that you need to drop out of school during the Fall. Or, you might need to get a study partner during the Fall. Or a tutor. You need to arrange your life so that it SUITS YOU BETTER so that you don't drive into the ditch every time the leaves start turning

You must have figured out by now that I have a particular interest in psychiatry because of my Brother's history and because of my own history. I've collected TONS of bookmarks, you might want to take a look at them and see if there's anything the interests you:

PSYCHIATRY-PSYCHOLOGY
(press the [page-down] key 6 times)

HOLISTIC-HEALING
(press the [page-down] key 4 times)

You might also want to think about volunteering at a homeless shelter or a domestic abuse shelter. This wouldn't have to be a huge commitment. I have a feeling you would be good at something like that.

BIG HUGS, Kelly. There needs to be Kelly-type things in your life. More than school. More than therapists/psychiatrists. There needs to be a small part of your life that is DESIGNED BY YOU and gives you SOUL SATISFACTION.

I think when you listen to yourself. And find out what YOU really WANT and NEED that you'll feel better. It's easier to accomplish this when some of the 'practical stuff' -- like housing -- is taken care of. So ... the fact that you're in a "good place" now in terms of a place to live and other stuff, might indicate that it's now time to TAKE CARE of the INNER KELLY.

BIG HUGS. And good luck.

Barb

Hello Kelly,

I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and I also know exactly how you feel! I only left my house once this week and the rest of the days, I stayed in bed, just not wanting to get up and face anyone or anything. I am on prozac and it does help but doesn't take away all the blues. Anyways, hope you feel better soon and let us know how you are doing.

Love,
Linda

Dear Kelly,

This is the first time that I have read one of your posts. I am a lifelong Unipolar Depressive but I usually hang out on the Bipolar Board because Depressives are too depressed to write .

Parenthetically, thanks to Barb for that wonderful, information-filled reply.

I think that you should copy your original post and show it to your shrink. It gives a pretty clear picture of how you feel, (I think). If you give it to him, since it was written for consumption by non-pros, he won't feel that you are trying to tell him what to do.

There is a toothpaste and chewing gum named, "Biotene", that is supposed to be useful for dry mouth. I have never used it myself, just passing along the information.

I see that you are diagnosed with BPD. I have always thought of this as a subset of Bipolar Disorder, one that calls for different meds than either Major Depressive Disorder or Bipolar Disorder. You might ask your shrink about that possibility.

I have been looking into volunteer possbilities myself. I currently "volunteer" as a board member and facilitator in the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance of San Francisco, but since I enjoy the company of my colleagues, I don't actually think of it as volunteering. Also, I have gotten so much uplifting support from the organization that what I do is no more than payback. There are a lot of DBSA chapters in Michigan, but I do not know where, "Jackson", is. You could check the www.dbsalliance.org website if you are interested. Our group has separate meetings for young people.

I thought of teaching English as a second language, and asked a colleague in the DBSASF who had said that she intended to pursue that how she was doing, but she said that, rather than a structured class, which is how I think of ESL, the volunteer center popped her into a homeless shelter where she functioned more like a housekeeper. I shall continue to look.

Chiao,

Dear Kelly,

What did I tell you about Depressives being too depressed to post!?

Kelly, I think Barb's suggestion about volunteering is excellent. I've always been a firm believer in helping others helps ourselves. I've found with myself that the more time I'm able to think about my problems, the worse I do. I know this is extreme, but my father used to call it wallowing in self pity. I know there is a difference between self pity and depression, but I always have felt that there was truth in what he said, though he was talking more about us getting in trouble and moping over it instead of depression...KWIM?

I also found that after my father was killed, when I went to a support group of families of murder victims, when I was at my lowest, there was somebody that was lower than me. In volunteering, you get a pleasure out of helping people. Your volunteering doesn't necessarily have to deal with human interaction. It could be as little as shelving books at the library, filing for a charity or even being a supportive member of a forum.

Another thing that I have done is writing down what I am thankful for everyday. Also writing down what makes me happy each day, even if it is the sillilest thing in the world. I used to do this religously; I had to do something nice for somebody everyday and it always had to be a stranger even if it was a smile for somebody who was having a horrible day. I used to almost get all the way home at night and say...dang, I haven't done something nice today so I'd go do something nice even if it was as little as a smile or driving through a drive through and paying for the order behind me. It sure was nice to have that type of money back then...lolol

I hope I helped, even if it was just a little bit!