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Old 06-26-2009, 12:09 AM #1
saxdragon saxdragon is offline
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Default Need references

My family is mostly clueless about depression. They believe depressed people like being that way because it's easy.

A little background:
I've have had depression since childhood, chronic (dysthymia?) and recurring major episodes every three to five years, and often made worse under too much stress. I've had suicidal thoughts since childhood, self mutilating behaviors I hid for years (decades, actually), and the older I get, the more I have given up on as I see more and more personal failures in life.

My family believes my current episode is "just for attention". Had they taken some interest in getting to know me the last 30 something years, they'd know better. Never mind that I ended up hospitalized five years ago for depression, or that my school records reflect recurrent episodes (as far back as 3rd grade).

As a child and teen, the family solution to my "behavior problems" was a whipping. Often. Like that did any good. As an adult, their solution is to criticise me, treat me like I'm too stupid to know anything about my own health (depression is not my only health problem and they tried to hijack my careful planning with my new GP to address those issues, some of which I've also had - and been untreated for - since childhood that they also claim they didn't know about), and basically make life as difficult as possible (they believe making a depressed person's life difficult "spurs" them on to "get better").

The family's solution is to ignore the past problems and just pretend they don't affect me. I disagree. My feelings of worthlessness to relate not just to depression but things I was told or how I was treated all my life - my grades were not "good enough" (my sister's were better), my friends weren't "good enough" (my personality is not the same as my sister's), my room wasn't "clean enough" (so I'm not a neat freak, it was clean to me), etc. Exploring how these issues effect me now helps me change those deep feelings attatched to them.

Now to my question:
I know there are references in the psych literature that ignoreing the past is not helpful, and making life too difficult does not speed up recovery. I read them several years ago, ironically, while over medicated on antidepressants (which left me in a chronic state of mania - something the pDoc said was "just fine" despite the fact that had I been that way without meds, they'd've hospitalized me for it). Anybody know where I might look for those references?
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Old 06-26-2009, 12:56 AM #2
Rapunzel Rapunzel is offline
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Finding references isn't going to change your family. If they don't support you, they aren't going to start because you show them some articles. Talk to them about what you need, and how their invalidation and emotional abuse affects you. Be honest and calm and objective about it. Make it about you, not about the literature or statistics on depression. If they don't get it after you have tried your best, then you may need to look elsewhere for support.

My family doesn't help with my depression either, and I just had to get away from them. My sister became a psychiatrist, and my brother committed suicide, and probably almost all of us have depression and/or anxiety, but the family doesn't change. They use depression and anxiety to control anyone who dares to challenge the way things are, or to dare to move towards independence. It gives them power.

But you can pick up any book or article about depression and if it is from any legitimate source it will support that people don't just choose to be depressed because they like it that way. It's learned, or it's genetic, or it's related to the past and/or current situations, or it's biological, or it's related to the social system, or all of the above. And ignoring it doesn't make it go away. Maybe this will help at least to give you some validation and support: DepressionisReal.com (or .org) (sorry, the site won't let me post the link) Even if your family doesn't change, the way that you feel is valid.
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Old 06-26-2009, 04:50 AM #3
saxdragon saxdragon is offline
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Thanks. Talking about it so far is getting me nowhere (actually, it's probably making it worse since they can't or won't understand). My family always has to have proof before they will respect my opinion, or at least consider my point of view (even if they don't even bother to read it, I still have to be able to produce it).
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Old 07-11-2009, 02:36 PM #4
RodgaDodga RodgaDodga is offline
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I have major depression, anxiety, and concentration problems. I go to a psychiatrist regularly and am starting to go to a psychologist. Since I have no income and live with my mother its all pd by the state. Including all the meds. I would definitely bring a couple of them (these naysayers) to a session. They better wake up, or you maybe will need to get way away. This stuff kills people. Who would ever want to live like this. Good luck.
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Old 07-12-2009, 09:15 AM #5
seekingchange seekingchange is offline
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it's awful to hear, but unfortunately sounds far too familiar.
My dad's an abusive alcoholic, both sober and intoxicated. My mum denies he's done anything wrong. My brother and my sister have succeeded past this, but I've found myself, at 17, unable to, slowly my concentration has deteriorated and my dream of working in medicine is reaching further and further away. My brother and sister refuse to acknowledge there's a problem, 'if they can succeed, why can't I?' it's something they and my mother believe I've chosen. I have no friends.
I think what you really need is support, and if not from your family. Go out, I envy your ability to spread yourself to somewhere beyond your own front door. Go out, engage, sure you can't lay all the heavy on someone straight away, but you need to find someone you can idly chat to <-- i found I got worse when i lost my only friend and cause I spent so much time with her, my strange thoughts and problems came out so subtley over a larger space of time, which I have only discovered reflecting back on it.

If you're family don't understand, don't waste your time defending yourself. Sure you love them like anyone would their family, but someone else deserves their time with you. YOU deserve your time better spent.

You should be seeing a pych, they're good guides. But most importantly, you need social support. You are rational, trying to work with irrational = you'll become irrational (and you are....you indirectly described it in your posting)

good luck
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Old 07-19-2009, 07:25 PM #6
billie billie is offline
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Default You couldn't be more right

Quote:
Originally Posted by saxdragon View Post
My family is mostly clueless about depression. They believe depressed people like being that way because it's easy.

A little background:
I've have had depression since childhood, chronic (dysthymia?) and recurring major episodes every three to five years, and often made worse under too much stress. I've had suicidal thoughts since childhood, self mutilating behaviors I hid for years (decades, actually), and the older I get, the more I have given up on as I see more and more personal failures in life.

My family believes my current episode is "just for attention". Had they taken some interest in getting to know me the last 30 something years, they'd know better. Never mind that I ended up hospitalized five years ago for depression, or that my school records reflect recurrent episodes (as far back as 3rd grade).


As a child and teen, the family solution to my "behavior problems" was a whipping. Often. Like that did any good. As an adult, their solution is to criticise me, treat me like I'm too stupid to know anything about my own health (depression is not my only health problem and they tried to hijack my careful planning with my new GP to address those issues, some of which I've also had - and been untreated for - since childhood that they also claim they didn't know about), and basically make life as difficult as possible (they believe making a depressed person's life difficult "spurs" them on to "get better").

The family's solution is to ignore the past problems and just pretend they don't affect me. I disagree. My feelings of worthlessness to relate not just to depression but things I was told or how I was treated all my life - my grades were not "good enough" (my sister's were better), my friends weren't "good enough" (my personality is not the same as my sister's), my room wasn't "clean enough" (so I'm not a neat freak, it was clean to me), etc. Exploring how these issues effect me now helps me change those deep feelings attatched to them.

Now to my question:
I know there are references in the psych literature that ignoreing the past is not helpful, and making life too difficult does not speed up recovery. I read them several years ago, ironically, while over medicated on antidepressants (which left me in a chronic state of mania - something the pDoc said was "just fine" despite the fact that had I been that way without meds, they'd've hospitalized me for it). Anybody know where I might look for those references?
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The best of families who don't have depression don't understand it. Especially if they are workaholics, neatniks, or achievement oriented. This is their problem, not yours, but it creates problems for you. Have you considered printing some articles from the internet that describes your situation and giving these to family? It feels to me that my family is subtly punishing me for my depressive symptoms as well. It feels like they were friendlier when I was productively working and that I am being subtly cut off since I have become unable to work. You should qualify for disability benefits by virtue of your dx, if you have payed in enough for SS. This might reduce any need for help from your family. Further, winning disability might help prove the reality of your illness to your family. SS does does not give benefits to those who are well but just trying to "get attention." The references you request sound familier but elude me. Trying googling Families of the Depressed Patient; Anger in the family setting; Abuse of the depressed child; Understanding Depression from a family viewpoint; The impact of child abuse on development of depression. Freud is not so much in vogue anymore, but he gave credit to past experience as being the cornerstone of every person. Actually we still do this today. Since you have likely had a psychosocial history done, you may recall how their were questions re your early development, parenting, and other early childhood experiences. As a former psychiatric social worker, I learned through the years that failure to meet up to parental expectations - no matter how unrealistic they might be - is a breeding ground for depression. Hugs, Empathy and Best of Luck with hurtful circumstances not your fault. billie
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Old 07-19-2009, 07:42 PM #7
billie billie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by saxdragon View Post
My family is mostly clueless about depression. They believe depressed people like being that way because it's easy.

A little background:
I've have had depression since childhood, chronic (dysthymia?) and recurring major episodes every three to five years, and often made worse under too much stress. I've had suicidal thoughts since childhood, self mutilating behaviors I hid for years (decades, actually), and the older I get, the more I have given up on as I see more and more personal failures in life.

My family believes my current episode is "just for attention". Had they taken some interest in getting to know me the last 30 something years, they'd know better. Never mind that I ended up hospitalized five years ago for depression, or that my school records reflect recurrent episodes (as far back as 3rd grade).

As a child and teen, the family solution to my "behavior problems" was a whipping. Often. Like that did any good. As an adult, their solution is to criticise me, treat me like I'm too stupid to know anything about my own health (depression is not my only health problem and they tried to hijack my careful planning with my new GP to address those issues, some of which I've also had - and been untreated for - since childhood that they also claim they didn't know about), and basically make life as difficult as possible (they believe making a depressed person's life difficult "spurs" them on to "get better").

The family's solution is to ignore the past problems and just pretend they don't affect me. I disagree. My feelings of worthlessness to relate not just to depression but things I was told or how I was treated all my life - my grades were not "good enough" (my sister's were better), my friends weren't "good enough" (my personality is not the same as my sister's), my room wasn't "clean enough" (so I'm not a neat freak, it was clean to me), etc. Exploring how these issues effect me now helps me change those deep feelings attatched to them.

Now to my question:
I know there are references in the psych literature that ignoreing the past is not helpful, and making life too difficult does not speed up recovery. I read them several years ago, ironically, while over medicated on antidepressants (which left me in a chronic state of mania - something the pDoc said was "just fine" despite the fact that had I been that way without meds, they'd've hospitalized me for it). Anybody know where I might look for those references?
Hi, again. Look down on the posting for deep brain stimulation for hard to treat depression or something like that. It has information and statistics on the severity of depression which might benefit your family. Finally, if you have had manic episodes both off and on medication, your diagnosis sounds more like Bipolar illness. Family might believe more in this - billie-
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