[firemonkey]

I can't f***ng sleep.I'm haunted by guilt.It's there all the time
either lurking in the shadows or like tonight full on f***ng with my head.None of you know how EVIL i really am.

[OneMoreTime]

Dear Tim ....

You say two things that really jumped out at me, things that need explaining...

You talk about being endlessly plagued by guilt.
You say you are incredibly evil

And herein lies your big problem. Evil people do NOT feel guilt. They are incapable of feeling guilt. It is a brain difference - and they can NOT feel guilt. And they DO evil because they care nothing about how they harm others thru their actions, words or deeds.

Now, on the other hand, I accidentally hurt others and may act as tho I don't care that I hurt them because I truly have no awareness that I have hurt someone. Some of this is because I am too wrapped up in my own concerns, sometimes because I don't have an awareness of how I may be triggering them in some respect --- or I may fail to CONSIDER that other people are affected by how we act around them, how we treat them, the kind of words and tones we use when speaking to them. We can hurt others without having any evil intent, without any desire to hurt someone else.

And sometimes I hurt someone else because I truly feel a meanness, a self-centeredness, a self-interest, and I decide that I just don't care enough about them to make me less terse, brusque, demanding or intrusive. Is this evil? Well, it certainly isn't a humane or civilized way for me to act. This can happen most often when I am out shopping - tho thank goodness I have always worked hard at making myself recognize the humaness and otherness of clerks and shop assistants, and even those who just sit in call centers and take calls from those dialing in.

And sometimes I hurt close friends and even my closest relatives (tho some of them DO deserve it) because I put my own needs first.... but that is because I so often put THEIR needs first, even if I come out on the short end of the stick. And because of that, I guess I tend to think that in a REAL friendship, in a REAL family, people should be willing to sacrifice for one another. So I don't see that as evil either.

Sometimes we nick something from a shop or purloin an item from someone's home. This is an asocial, anti-social, nonsocial act, but if we feel guilty, if it haunts us, it is not inherently evil, but it is a behavior we must struggle with to overcome because it is not right for us to take financial advantage of a man or woman trying to earn a living for their families... and even if what we nick or purloin is of trivial worth, it is as equally guilt-provoking as if we had taken off with a diamond ring or a treasured irreplaceble family photo. The reason for guilt is to help us stop. When we do these things, it is born of deep feelings of unmet needs for being loved. Needs our parents never met. And will NEVER meet. So our inner work must be in coming to grips with this and fixing things in our souls so we no longer feel the emotional drives to pretrend that things stolen are love-replacements.

Sometimes in this world, we look inward at our own THOUGHTS - our impulses, our desires, our wants, our needs ... and we see that they are OUTSIDE SOCIETAL NORMS. Perhaps it is as simple as a desire to view porn or to sexually fantasize about things that would shock (most of) our neighbors and possibly frighten the horses. But these things are not evil. They do not even impact another human being - they are truly within ourselves. Now, for a person to take fantasy of children or the helpless into the realm of real life, then that is EVIL and must not be done. If one does it under the influence of alchohol or drugs, that is no excuse. If one does this sort of evil, and does not do everything possible to change or avoid temptation, then that person is evil and needs to be separated from society.

Evil is selfishness that harms an innnocent being without causing us the least concern or guilt, even upon "further thought" or having someone point out how we have hurt them. Evil is inherent in those who cannot feel guilt and who truly do NOT care about the hurt or fears or needs of others.

TRUE DEEP REAL EVIL is, fortunately, pretty rare. Law breaking is much more common. Relationship abuse and violence is way too common. And when these acts are impervious to feelings of guilt and responsibility, when these acts are protected behind convictions of self-justification and of entitlement, then these, too, are evil.

One must understand the true meaning of evil before one tosses oneself under the bus. Be gentle with yourself. Guilt and Shame are sometimes (actually often) confused. But both are two of the most self-destructive forces in the universe. They must be understood thru study and addressed in therapy...

{{{{{{Tim}}}}}}

Teri

[Boopers]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tim))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))




Linda

[firemonkey]

Thank you Linda and Teri.

[birdergirl]

I totally understand you. Self forgiveness, whatever the case may be, is the hardest thing to overcome. I think it slowly kills you from the inside out. But do not fear, there are others - that share your pain.