[SDFencer]

OK, in another area I have mentioned that I have had 2 brain surgeries, 3 strokes and 4 seizures. A fusiform (nasty) aneurysm in my basilar artery was stented and then I managed to grow a new aneurysm at the basilar tip so I bought a craniotomy and basilar bypass. At my latest follow up angiogram I learn the bypass is occluded and the aneurysms are growing again so I have an exploding head.

I have moved from able bodied fencing to wheelchair fencing, which is fun. While I can walk (not far), I have to be wheeled through airports which kills me to have people stare at me.

I am weak as a kitten, can’t play with my grandsons the way I want. I lost my job a year ago and it kills me not to work. As tax time rolls around I’m afraid we are going to get killed and we are planning to break into our retirement savings. (look at this as an early retirement says my doc. But I wasn’t ready to retire says I.

Daily I take my own PDR of medications to keep me from seizing again. While my family is concerned. I still feel like they are giving me the “rub some dirt on it and walk it off. I am deathly afraid of losing my wife. I don’t know how she has stayed with me through all this crap. I just can’t help feeling this is all my fault. I do pay for it a little because I am an unperson already. Conversations go around me. People will ask my wife a question that could have been directed to me and I am sitting right there. My mind works, I just have trouble getting it out. Oh, and did I mention my wife hasn’t touched me in years?

I just sleep the entire afternoon away because it makes the day pass. Oh, I should mention that I am still good as a galley slave. Can nobody run the dishwasher, or empty it, or fill it? I’m starting to believe all the talk that I can’t do some things. HOW DOTHEY KNOW? Cripes. I am starting to believe it.

I’ve even looked into running away to another city. But I can’t afford it. I hate this.

[Leesa]

Damn ~ WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH PEOPLE!!! Don't they know that you're still alive and lucid??? This makes me so darn mad!! i've seen this happen before, and I want to scream! People can be so insensitive -- maybe they mean well, but for God's sakes -- THINK first!!

And if they DO ask you a question, do they YELL it at you like you're deaf or something?? That happens alot too! I just don't understand. If they could put themselves in your shoes for just a minute - would THEY want to be treated like that? Sheeesh.

I'm sorry you're going thru this. It's bad enough that you have this horrible condition in the first place, let alone be treated like that. if i was your wife, I'd kick whoever did it in the pants!! Good grief!

As far as relations go, your wife is probably afraid she'll cause the aneurysm to burst! I know that's not logical thinking ~ but when you don't know about these things - I'm sure that's what she's thinking.

Have you ever expressed these feelings to your wife/family?? If not, you need to sit your family down and let them know how you feel. They aren't mind readers ~ they don't know what you're feeling or thinking. Yes, they should SEE some of the things that are happening, but sometimes people overlook the obvious. Have a family meeting and express your feelings & fears. You've got to clear the air. You DESERVE better treatment - and they need to know! God bless you my friend. My thoughts & prayers are with you. Hugs, Lee

[SDFencer]

Thanks Leesa. My wife is one of the people who talks around me. I have mentioned it to the family and have even started calling myself the "Galley Slave." I guess they agree because nothing changes.

Dr. "Well don't pick up for them. Make them do it" Me, "All that gets me is a bigger pile of crap until I can't stand it any more."

I guess when i huff up the stairs. (Those 14 steps used to be so easy to climb)

The Dr has said it is OK to fool around, but she hasn't and I am not one to push. "so do it yourself." "what fun is that?" I just needed a place to shout.

[Leesa]

Why don't YOU make the first move?? Approach your wife about relations. Perhaps she like me, and find it difficult to make the first move. I don't know why I find it hard, but I do! So YOU take the reins, and approach HER. Maybe after awhile, she'll come to YOU.

Try not to tip toe around her. It sounds to me like she needs a spanking anyway! Go to it tiger!!! Hugs, Lee

[SDFencer]

Originally Posted by Leesa

Why don't YOU make the first move?? Approach your wife about relations. Perhaps she like me, and find it difficult to make the first move. I don't know why I find it hard, but I do! So YOU take the reins, and approach HER. Maybe after awhile, she'll come to YOU.

Try not to tip toe around her. It sounds to me like she needs a spanking anyway! Go to it tiger!!! Hugs, Lee

I have. no good. I'm going to just run away from reality

[Leesa]

Don't do that!! This isn't your fault. You sure didn't ASK for this! It seems like she would be more supportive of you with all that you've had to endure!!

What the hell is wrong with her anyway?? She sounds like a spoiled BRAT!!

I'm sorry - I probably shouldn't have said that, but it makes me MAD! What does she EXPECT of you anyway?!! Good grief.

I know you're in a bad spot - but I just wish she'd treat you as you deserve to be treated -- as an EQUAL and as a HUSBAND!! But right now I'd like to punch her lights out! Hugs, Lee

[SDFencer]

Nah. She and everybody try to understand, and I hate to sound cliche, but really, unless you have been through this crap you don't know what it is like.

Pity Party? Sure.I recognize that and need to be able to accept my new me. How do you learn acceptance? I don't want to give in to my condition, I still refuse to accept it.

But in the same breath I hate being treated like a galley slave. If I listen to people and Drs tell me I can't do stuff I am going to start to believe it.

I have already taken the first move to look for work where I can run away and be off the grid.

[Leesa]

Well, I've had to learn acceptance that my body is going to sh#$ and there's not a darn thing I can do about it. I've had to accept that I'm clinically depressed and there's nothing i can do about that either! Sometimes life gives you crap! But you don't have to say "why me?" I say "why NOT ME."

Why should it be anyone else? Do i wish it on a young mother who is trying to raise her kids? heck no! Do i wish it on a young man trying to support his family? Heck no! I was YOUNG when this body started falling apart -- so what? At least I can still walk - sort of. lol

I had cancer -- so what?

I had a heart attack -- so what??

This crap doesn't mean a darn thing compared to what some people are going thru. have you ever seen a young child dying of cancer? Well I have because my SON had cancer when he was 7 years old. Most of the kids at Motts Childrens Hospital in Ann Arbor Michigan died when my son was there. They were all in experimental programs because they knew nothing about childhood cancer back then -- in 1977.

So if you want to feel sorry for yourself go ahead. But at the same time, think of dying kids and the strength they have -- they tell their parents not to cry when they're saying goodbye!

[ginnie]

I am sorry that your life is having such trouble. I have family trouble too. I wish your wife would treat you more kindly. Sometimes a real hug with lots of feeling behind it does wonders. You need her comfort, and i sure hope you continue to ask her kindly for her to be close to you. I feel awful about not working too, as people sometimes look down on you for being disabled. Now that I am a non- working member, I am overlooked by my own family, just a burden. I am sending you a hug this day, just to let you know there is another human that cares. ginnie