I have a really good friend, named, Arthur. He's a friend from some
support-groups, I attend, for people with mental illnesses. Anyhow,
Arthur has a fiancee, who, has been diagnosed with Cancer.
Now! She *could* have life-extrending surgery/ procedures, which,
*could* extend her life, by, a couple of years. Problem is, her faith won't
allow her to have this done. I can't remember what faith she is, but,
she and Arthur are of different faiths. Anyhow, I feel, she's being very
unfair to Arthur, who, loves her more, than, life, itself!! Also, she has a
child from a previous marriage/ relationship, who, Arthur loves as, his own
and legally adopted, recently! My question is, do I tell Arthur the
thuth, which is, I think, she's treating Arthur *and* her son horribly,
or, do I keep my mouth shut, when, Arthur comes to me and tells me
how devestated he is, because, she doesn't care enough about herself,
to salvage their relationship and be with him for as long, as, possible???

Phyllis

I tried to stay but I can't help myself in this instance.

Phyllis, I don't quite understand what you've posted. She's apparently dying of cancer yet it's said she's not caring enough about herself to salvage their relationship?

To be frank, I'd tell Arthur to take a REALLY, really fast hike home to his beloved one and take care of her. Meaning to take care of her with love, or to talk to her candidly before she has to endure more pain.



Then again...

I'm not there so I don't know what's really happening.

She could have a couple, more years, *if*, she'd have these things done.
And I believe that, because, Dr.'s said, *I* wouldn't live when I was born,
but, my parents *made* them do, whatever, was necessary and I'm 44,
now. Surgery/ medical procedures *can* work, *if*, you give them a chance!!
also, I think, she's being horrible to her child, who, will have to grow up
without a mom.

Phyllis

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh, Phyllis.
It sounds as if she needs a lot of support and love right now to get the treatment she needs. It's one thing to make that sort of decision when really old, but she's not old and she must be going through a terrible time emotionally. Hopefully with family and perhaps some professional support she'll change her mind.

I agree with what Lara said Phyllis but I also wanted to comment on the reason you posted this thread.

I don't want to sound harsh either, but I do think you've answered your own question at the end there.

They need each other right now, probably more than any other time in their relationship and they most definitely do not need others intervening, especially anyone outside of her family or her group of health care workers.

This poor woman is obviously very ill but luckily she has a very strong faith. You said .... "Problem is, her faith won't allow her to have this done..." and I believe that says a lot. If her faith was not strong then she would not let it influence her choice of treatment.

Right now she needs her fiance and she needs her faith as she confronts this terrible condition. If you were to put doubt in her fiance's mind now about her feelings or the way she's coping, don't you think that would distress her, distress him? She doesn't need that now. She needs love and understanding.

Nothing good could possibly come of you telling him what you suggested. If you really want to do something then support them both without letting either of them know your own views on the subject.

Should his fiance pass away from the cancer, Arthur is going to need of all his friends but if you were to tell him what you told us, then I believe you could risk alientating him all together. You might force him to break his friendship with you, rather than cause his fiance any further distress in the final stages of her life.

Koala, I'm guessing, this needs repeating??? *My friend*, *Arthur*,
is coming to *me*!! *I'm* *not* contacting *him*!! *he's* coming
to *me* for support, because, he wants his girlfriend to live, but, he
feels, she's not taking the necessary steps to make that happen!
I'm *not* putting *stress* on him. I'm telling him, I *agree* with him,
she *should* be doing, whatever, she needs to do, so, she can live for
herself, Arthur, *and*, *her child!!*

Lara, I have to admit, "harsh*, was *definitely*, *one*, of the words,
I was thinking, about, your post!!Lol
I'm just, praying, she makes the right decision for *everyone*, because,
once she's gone, she can't re-do it!! As far, as love and support,
Arthur doesn't know how to be any, other way!!

Phyllis

Dear Phyllis,
I just wanted to quickly say that you did ask "What would you, guys,do???".

I must say that in answering your posts, my main concern has been for you. I don't know anything at all about the whole situation apart from your posts. I wrote exactly what I thought I would do considering I only know a tiny, tiny piece of information about the situation.

My concern is for you because of course you feel you need to help your friend so much but you are involved to the extent that you are agreeing with your friend about certain things and I'm not even sure if you are friends with Arthur's fiance or truly know the full story.

Can you understand that we don't know these things? We only know the words on a computer screen. We don't know if his fiance has been told by doctors that even with treatment she will not live. We don't know anything really except that you are trying to help your friend, Arthur. That of course, is commendable.

A year ago my neighbour lost her mother. Her mother was ill for a very long time and told none of her family. When the time came that she was so ill that it couldn't be hidden any longer, her family were devastated. They were so angry with her! It was a roller-coaster. My neighbour's husband and son were away working and I found myself in the situation of trying to hold her up as best I could.

I have to tell you, it was one of the most exhausting times of my life. Mainly because she came to depend on me, morning, noon and night. I am glad that I was able to support her, but it was extremely traumatic. I lost my mother when I was 4 years old (to cancer). She was a very young woman. There wasn't a day went by while I was supporting my neighbour that I didn't think about my own situation. It's just natural.

My concern is for you. I would like to suggest that Arthur also find help from someone like a social worker. Someone trained in support of the type that he and his fiance will need in the months to come. I trained as a nurse many moons ago, but when a situation such as you have posted becomes so personal that you share your opinions with your friend, then it's very difficult to dissociate oneself from the emotional turmoil that is to come.

I hope you understand my reasons for posting. None of us answer to upset you or hurt you or confuse you. We post because you asked the questions. We're not there with you in the moment, Phyllis.

I can't add any more to what Lara has said Phyllis, but I hope you find the right thing to do for you, for your friend, and for his fiance.

I'm hoping everyone finds their way out of this situation, myself!!

Phyllis