[painman2009]

here it is... presently I suffer a rare neurological disorder called RSD/CRPS
I live with extraordinary pain every day in many different ways.
and yes RSD is a forum here but wait.
Also I have multiple herniations in spine, bilateral carpul tunnel, nerv impingment, and suffer from Migrains.
now the Migrains I had to fight each and every dr, for DX from 2 years old. but they all saw the migraine in action then dx,d me.. they refused initially because they said only females get these..
then a comp related injury to my neck and back. mind you I fought to stay at work through all of it. Pain and all, I dealt.
now another work related accident did me in with RSD
I fought so hard to get back to work. and I did (for a year) then I was pulled out. now this pain is life consuming, no more hobbies not "allowed" back to work. though comp wants me to my job won't accept me nor any other job. and I want to be back to normal. but I doubt I could last a full day. let alone an hour. but its under comp
I feel like a prisoner. My neurologist says to do what I can and try to push it a little more each time but only what I can endure. but comp.. if they get a pict of me for 1 second doing anything they can turn it into anything they want saying that I have lied about my disability or issues keeping me from work.
I am slowly going insane seeing these walls in my haouse all the time . and even more so seeing all the work that needs to be done, and not being able to do it.. not because of comp but inability.
I live in fear because of my RSD and no real treatment and or cure.
also because of comp. they have gotten many IMEs on me and all pretty much say I'm unemployable. thas their dr,s saying this. my neurologist says there is hope.. I hold on. but this RSD also affects my emotions. I grow angrier every day. and its getting worse. lamppost to the point I can't control my rage.
I am terrorized by the insurance with denials or authorizations to places that no longer accept comp or to a place out of state ..(but not for treatment ,, for consult) then they will see... hello going out of state is going to be hard enough once. now they want me to go just for a consult.. jesus . how does that make sense. My heart is bleeding hurt and sorrow. loneliness . fear. uncertainty, I am callouss and short with my family pushing them away when I really want and need them close. I offer advice to others. and I believe it to be good advice. but have no idea how to follow it myself. I have lost myself because of this beast. my path is no longer in sight let alone clear. sleep evades me . common sense as well. my memory is broken.(short term anyway). my speech my vocabulary and math skills also no where near what they were. I start to cry then stop. My pain is getting harder and harder to hide. it breaks out in howels and tears. and then guilt takes over for my wife and kids. Why must they deal with this.I feel like an anchor . I never wanted to be like this. Its almost my biggest fear come to life. invalid. incapable, my mind and body are failing me. so my self worth is failing as well. the RSD this beast has infected me from waist down, my belly, back, left arm , my chest, my head.. all that from a an injury to my leg.even my right arm in places.
This pain, is so much more than physical. and it doesn't just spread on me, it spreads in the family and friends that surround me.Pain management doesn't cover this. and being terrorized by comp doesn't help.. like I said I have no idea where this thread belongs.. but that fits doesn't it as I no longer know where I belong.