I'll keep to the techie/fishie stuff first. ;)

The dying had to do with oxygen levels, not filtration.

A waterfall helps (a bit) with mixing the water with oxygen. Another (usually cheap) solution is to use an airpump/special airstones at several places around the pond.

In my case I don't need them - I have a waterfall too - because the difference will be summer temps. A decent pump would set you back about $150, you need some (very small diameter) tubing, and some air stones (cheap as dirt).

It's what fish need most: they breathe through their gills and have to depend on the oxygen levels in the water. The hotter the air/water, the less oxygen is saturated, so that's where the air stones/air pump would come in. A filtration system in itself does NOT add oxygen (in fact, some systems actually use us oxygen as the bacteria need them to convert the bad stuff (ammonia (aka pee :D ) into nitrite and then into nitrate.

Sorry to get technical, but it's important as that world is full of idiot merchants. Fish gasping? Add pump/airstones/keep waterfall running, problem finished in 15 minutes.

I've seen some of the pictures, but it's hard to be sure. There are quite a few "butterfly koi" -> the one with the "wavy" tails? Those are usually not considered "valuable" (in koi freak money terms). But you might still find people who want to pay a bit of money.

The pond is also overcrowded as hell. Ideally, you need at least 1m3 per grown up koi (so, a 1000 liters). But preferably more. The pond also needs to be DEEP before BIG. Shallower water heats up quicker -> quicker to lose oxygen when it gets hot too. Deeper water keeps cooler. (and also warmer in winter: did you know that in freezing weather water (even with ice on it) at -2meter will still be around 4°C?)

The pump... OK, there it's getting weird. Oase you say? Yeah, German company, German quality, best in class. My main 15000 liter/hour pump is in it's 18th season (I don't run it between November/March) without a glitch, and... without ever having to take it out of the water or cleaning it! Oh, did I mention it's an Oase?

A pump should just feed the water to a filtration system, leave the debris through (up to 2 cm), and in case of Oase run forever and ever. I have NEVER EVER had to go into the water to touch the pump (OK, I lie, once in 2012 to change it's place a little). Having to go into the water to clean a pump is madness. I hope whoever did that did not get paid. Grrrr.

I don't know the other system you now have, but I'm afraid DB has been duped, sorry.

The disease has nothing to do with the type of pump, but with water at a very specific temperature. Not an issue here, but I can imagine it is in Oz.

Anyway: in that pond, even with a 24 hour outage, goldfish (not bundles OK? just 10 or so?) will survive without any problems. ESPECIALLY if you keep a air stone or 2 running all day long (instead of a filtration system).

Look, I know you are overwhelmed with info, so I'll follow up with a summary post - but be assured all the above is 100% accurate.

Synopsis.


1) Get rid of the many fish -> like said before.
2) Remove all pumps (or just shut them off)
3 Except one pump that would directly feed the waterfall. That one would just be a pump in a housing, a big hose to the waterfall, done, zero maintenance.
4) Get 10 goldfish, small ones. Warning: they breed (really Wide-O? :D)
5) Get an air pump. A decent one. Get a Hi Blow Air 80 (ltrs per minute), a plastic distributor (so you can hang 10 small hoses on it, some transparent hose (10 or 20 meters) and a few air stones that connect to those hoses. (no, I have to financial interest in air pump brands LOL, but I dare to show this recommendation to every koi owner in the world) See picture for how it looks (contains wrong brand of pump, but shows you what you would end up with)

just focus on pump/distributor/hoses

http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/2...air%20pump.jpg

Hoses attach to stones like these:

https://img.diytrade.com/cdimg/15761..._air_stone.jpg

6) keep that running all year as long as temps are > 12°C
7) may need maintenance every 2 years, which means open up and install new standard part (the "vibrator" for want of a better word) of the air pump (which, for all clarity, is out of the water in a dry place).

And you are done.

Zero maintenance, happy goldfish. Cost? About $200 for air pump/hoses/stones. Never ever again wade into the pond.

Ouch! Heheheh :D Now that's mean! ;)

Sorry for all the info. It's just that it COULD be simple, and I hate people being sold ******** for a lot of their hard earned money. So I have to show my "credentials" in that area before my advice will be accepted.

The end result (I hope) is that Pam would still have a nice pond with a few happy goldfish and ZERO maintenance/stress. A guy like me could set it up in 3 hours and be done forever (flight to Oz not included. ;) ) And with a bit of luck the sale from the fish would more than cover the cost of the air pump. And she would save on electricity bill...

In your own time
If I may
The things that mean most
Your sanity serenity spirit strength space all in your control
In your time
Not a time for anymore information about the girl
His feelings are not yours anymore
Cleaning house inside as you handle literally cleaning house on the outside a good thing
Only for you and your physical capabilities in the long run cost
My point you have decision you make for the better of you
It not so quick and easy sometimes
But you my dear are doing it
You be the only one to call the shots
He lost his privileges there
Since hearing of you situation
Three more stories all identical and two of the three are doing well under such circumstances
And to make the decision with children involved
Is awesome to see
But the one who needs that someone to define herself as a woman is killing herself and hurting herself in addition to pain she is already going through hoping for her choice to remove the pain of infidelity by substance is making things so much worse
I fear for her with all my being I just want to shake her
Stop using this as an excuse
She matters
And his hold on her is based on crap
Get it
Has no substance
Yet who the hell sm I to say what one needs
But I think you understand my point
We
We
Need to love who we are striving to be
And isn’t that the best in all we do
So how can one not get that not in our time
We are doing all we can not hurting anyone around us by the choices we make
And for the others more power to you
Heavenly Father never let us down
We have it in us
As ill as we are
We have a brain that is working just great
So don’t even try and go there
May it be a favor
It is still your business
You call the shots
Empowering
That’s what you do
Love
Me

Christmas Day been and gone, he visited gave me my gift, played with the pets, took the older dogs for a walk, and spoke again of wanting to try to move forward with counselling. Wants us to buy a new house and start afresh. I listened offering few words. He showed me houses on the internet, has already been looking. My Xmas card “to my wife” made reference to hope we can work things out, mine on the other hand, “to my friend”, hope you find what you wanted in 2018. My gift to him, small but a reminder of his roots and all that he once valued.

I said to him, shave your beard and post a clean shaven photo on FB. You re-grew your beard because she wanted you to (she wanted him to look like her father but he doesn’t get that) and the photo you have is of you with beard and the night of your award. His response was I’m not shaving my beard for anyone.

I replied if you want to take steps to repairing our marriage shaving your beard is a very small step, it can be re-grown within a month, our 25 year marriage cannot be repaired in that time. But it’s a step you need to take. And I won’t entertain anything you say until I see evidence you are prepared to offer more than words. Forgive me when I think for your words are meaningless.

I reminded him again when he left, shave your beard and I’ll consider counselling. He has expressed his remorse but right now it means nothing. I still care for him and I do wonder if we will sort things out, but if he can’t go through with a small “test” then I don’t need to wonder at all.

Pam,
It would appear as if you are testing and using the beard as an issue in order to take the first step toward a possible reconciliation. Has he mentioned giving her up before doing any counseling?

You are very vulnerable right now; please take your time.

Wish all the best for you..


Gerry

Pam, I think that Gerry has offered you wise thoughts.

Only fools rush in, and I am not a fool. As things stand, I can’t see a breakthrough. I’m lonely & scared but those 2 things combined are not going to push me back to a relationship.

I’m mindful though of something I have personally encountered over the years of pain Mgt and psychs and my sister who is a nurse voiced it on Xmas eve, her exact words were psychs just encourage you to leave, they will give you workbooks on how to leave, they don’t give workbooks on how to work to save the relationship. And ironically it’s true. My psych has given me 2 books to “leave” the relationship & I understand db psych has been telling him to leave me for the last 2 years.

So in all, perhaps we are neither destined to work it out.

I do believe in féte and the inevitable. I can forgive a once in a life time indiscretion, I can’t forgive ongoing lies and deceit.

Well I’ve made a decision to do something I’ve never done before, or considered before. With my constant pain companion and these last months emotional trauma, not limited to just db, surgery and complications included, I’ve asked my mum to accompany me to a cosmetic practice for a consult on dermal fillers for the bag under my right eye in particular. It’s so much more noticeable than the one on the left and maybe ask about the big wrinkle indent in between my eyebrows.

I’ve never done anything electively and I’m not going for a surgical procedure where they knock me out, I just want to consider the possibility of something that will boost my confidence and dermal fillers seem to be an option. If I look better, I will feel better. I look tired and drained and I don’t feel professional in my job anymore. I feel the injured staff looking at me and thinking how can I get better with her help, she looks worse than I do...

And I’m going to go to the dentist and enquire about braces to bring my teeth back into alignment so the gap between my 2 front teeth stops getting bigger. I have a problem with my jaw, since my late teens and can’t open my mouth wide and with all my back and gynea problems I just hoped it would go away. My mum spent a fortune on her children’s teeth, me included and I had braces at the age of 12. Big silver shiny things, but now they are clear & barely noticeable. I have top health cover atm & now is probably the time to get my teeth done while I can still afford the top cover. I might be eligible for a Medicare rebate as well because of my jaw.

Whew, I’m glad I have written it down, that’s a step towards me looking after me. I won’t be spending $25k like db did, but I think it’s an important step for me to think about me. The cosmetic I may not be brave enough to do, but it doesn’t hurt to enquire.

Pam,
YEA......
.....So glad Pam is thinking of Pam. I definitely agree; had a bit done myself some time back. It did help me feel better about myself. And;most important,it builds up your confidence. You go for it.....It starts with enquiring so that's the first step.....keep it going..

We're rooting for you...



Gerry.

Pam, those all sound like very positive things to do to me :).

I'd go with Nike here: Just do it! ;)

Consult booked 10am Friday. My mum moves fast, I asked her to come with me as I’m too scared to go on my own, she messaged me back saying she’s at the hair salon with my sister and they have booked an appt with the clinic my sister went to earlier in the year.

Consult includes going ahead with it if inclined.... feeling quite adventurous....

Now to book the dentist lol.

What does this "if inclined" mean? Tsssk. Can't find it in the dictionary. Of course it will include going ahead. ;)

And the dentist is booked for Wednesday 4.15pm.

Pam,

You are on the move........

Thrilled for you; quite adventurous....stay in that "mode" (adventurous)!!


Gerry

And as you pamper yourself
 

Be reminded of the beautiful spirit that lives within
That shines brighter than any physical trait
You are a big part of this vast global world
Far awY you are
But close to my heart you live
Your ability let things happen as it happens
Giving the benifit that intentions are coming from goodness
And when let down are able to reach out and share it with us me the world

I have come to know a woman who is selfless
And that a good thing
Not to be mistaken for being weak or not all there
I listen to you carefully
And can find all that the world needs to be a better place
Did you know that
If one person can understand your desired journey
That you put others before yourself
Is not to be mistaken for something else
But for what it is

Before I go on and on and off subject

You will shine even brighter
Whatever it takes to get to happiness
And not hurting another be as Gerry puts it
An adventure
A wonderful adventure
You eat it up
And come away from it feeling as good as one can feel in your circumstances
Gift yourself with being kind to you
When we do do do for others we tend to forget about ourselves
Let that not happen to you
Happy for girlfriend
Wrap yourself around it
Like I said
The beauty is already there
It can only get better
Enjoy
Enjoy
Love
Me

Best I can do to explain.....If inclined= If I decide to

Sorry, my bad. ;) I fully realize it may not be clear to all, but I was of course being slightly sarcastic - in a nice way. To be totally clear, I'm 110% supporting having the procedure done, I think it's great news (and very smart too.)

Edit: the word "inclinatie/inclination" exists in both my native languages (Dutch/French) and has the same meaning - it originates from both middle-English and Latin. (and I'm a nerd. ;) )

Ok then, 24hrs later and a very anxious day with my mum having a vertigo attack, me having to walk 2.3km in the heat, a significant breakdown in communication with the consultant I have today woken with a slightly swollen face that I’m told will go down. Apparently it takes 2 weeks to notice the full affect. Yesterday as the skin applied anaesthetic wore off the pain got worse, but I couldn’t take time out to look after me as I had Mum to tend to. Mum had to come first, she’s 86, I couldn’t live with myself otherwise. Anyway, I got her home driving across the city with an ice brick held to my face and slept the night on a frozen wheat pack. I’ve come to the conclusion nothing is ever going to be easy in my life.

But everything happens for a reason, mum having a turn while driving meant the car abandoned, parked in a car park outside a Thai restaurant and I walked to get it late yesterday afternoon after having taken her home and made sure she was ok. Driving her car home I was horrified to feel a judder and hear this terrible clacking noise coming from her front left wheel. As she has only 10% hearing she will not have heard it, but I can’t help but wonder if the juddering triggered her vertigo attack. I’m just glad she’s safe and didn’t have an accident. She was stopped in the middle of the road and 2 young men went to her assistance, pushing her car to the corner and phoning me. My brother thank god here from Queensland will have a look at the car this morning and decide if it’s roadworthy to drive to her home. I’m not confident!!

Post edit; Brother found huge wad of masking tape she had run over, a large bulge of it was hitting the inner rim everyime the wheel rotated, and some of it was free flapping against the car making the clacking sound. I couldn’t get down to the ground to see it after my long walk. So car taken to mums by him & Sil & I’ve asked him to check for the judder I could feel, although that said, the judder may have been the sizeable wad of masking tape. So zero outings for me today other than the pharmacy tonight when it’s cooler. Mum feeling washed out & legs weak but ok. We’ve all told her not to prune the garden anymore, she knows from previous occasions it causes her to have vertigo attacks.

Jeez PamelaJune
Your right
Nothing easy
To know mum is doing well
A weight of them broad shoulders
86
My mom 78
In bad shape
I shed tears if I canÂ’t shake this life of sadness
And to live that long is scary
My angel Eva every morning
Never forgetting
As her eyes open sees me and says with her arms stretched out and says
HUG
you would think that would do it right
ThatÂ’s why I am scared
It overwhelms me the love she exudes
She says she loves my hugs and the way I smell
We are like two peas in a pod
I to am very sensitive to smell
And when there is a soft pleasant smell it comforts me
I give her a wipe every morning when I get her ready with a spray of the smell that comforts her
It is a combination af two smells and have been wearing it for four decades now
Asked always what is it I wear
Tell them itÂ’s made special
She buries her head between my balloons
And holds me tight
You would think that would be enough
I cannot say to live to their age will happen
ItÂ’s just a feeling I have
We shall see
As baby sister lives near the ocean
I plan to spend most the summer down there
I want to push myself into life as I used to enjoy it
My favorite sports to engage in when I was not in this shape was volleyball in the sand with some serious players
My feet
My toes would grip the sand as I would plunge into keeping the ball going
How many times I would surf the sand doing so
Come to think of it what happened to everybody
Here I go
Thinking how much time has passed since I became ill
I will be 57 shortly
I became out of commission at 49
And will never forget
It
Getting up out of bed to take my shower and get ready for work
This feeling of a terrible terrible stiff neck
That turned out to be a crushed disc
And from the very first encounter with the hospital and the staff to date was there only one woman out of all of my entire experience
ONE WOMAN
who turned out to be a nurses aid I will never forget
Anindian woman with a difficult name to pronounce
So she has people call her Rodger
Who asked me to trust her as I was hung over that god awful uncomfortable hospital bed
Could not keep anything down as they are now pumping me up with mophine allergic dalaudid again allergic this was the start of my medicine nightmares began
And oh how horrible it is to have to take the medication I do now
My mom not well
With my genetic history
All I need to do is look at her
And I havenÂ’t seen her in many years
My baby sister is the only one of us three who is still in her life

Back to you
Hope it is something to lift your spirit
As you already are beautiful
Take care
Hoping your body gives you a break
And for mind
May it be calm as we try to figure out what to do next
With love and hugs
Me

I hadn't made the connection, but yeah, the wobble could well have induced the vertigo attack.

Nope, nothing is ever easy LOL. But, that makes it worth it even more when something does finally work out OK.

And in a few months you will look back and realize you are already finding more Pam-pieces than you actually realize at this point.

Hope the pain is at least mostly gone now?

Pain gone, just feels a little tender. Will be interesting to see what happens over the next 2 weeks. She has booked me in for a follow up consult on the 12th, it is where they tweak what has taken in the 2 weeks. I won’t be having any tweaking to my cheeks I can tell you. The forehead and crows feet no problem, she can tweak away.

DB rang about money, in the conversation I told him about the daily phone calls in the afternoon and the emails I receive** I said if she continues I will report her to the police. He said “How do I know it’s her” I said google it, you will see it brings up her name. So to make sure he knows, I took a screenshot of it clearly showing her name, circled it in red and sent it to him. Told him I am scared of her and I’ve had enough. I said I have left you and her in peace. I asked does she know you’re talkings about starting afresh with me, he said she knows we’re talking, I said does she know you are looking at houses, he said no and I said are you sure she doesn’t know? The phone calls & emails started after you spoke about getting a new house and starting afresh. He got all huffy, I said I can’t help it if you have got yourself into a precarious position with a psychopath, only you can extricate yourself from it. But I’m telling you, any more emails or calls and I will involve the police. No hesitation.

I thought when she lived here it was bad enough with the daily drama, now I’m on tenterhooks and she isn’t even here. I well remember sitting here one day thinking I wish she was gone, I could feel her looking at me, I remember thinking I will go to hell thinking bad thoughts about this girl, but so help me I wish she wasn’t here. Now here I am a few months later and she is gone, my life turned upside down yet she remains a spectre in my home. It’s like living in a nightmare.

Pam,
It would appear she and db deserve one another. Even confronting him about these emails; he tends to not want to believe this could be her. Can't believe this man; he comes to you with looking at houses and talk of getting back together; all the while he is still with her. This man knows no shame.

I feel for all you are going through. Stay strong. You will come out all the better.


Gerry

Pam, it worries me a lot that she is still stalking you. Sadly, I doubt that the police would be of much use.

You could take out an Apprehended Violence Order (AVO) against her. An AVO is for the courts to decide (the police are not involved). The court could rule that she can not contact you in any way nor approach you house within (say) 500 metres. There are probably Legal Aid people in Perth who can help with this. Breaking an AVO is a crime.

As far as the stalking e-mails are concerned you could contact Gmail, asking them to block all messages from her e-mail address. You would just have to say that you are being stalked. I have never had to do this but I think that Gmail is good about this - the messages just get bounced back to the originator address.

This might contribute to her psychosis (not unknown with people with BPD) but that is her problem, not yours.

:hug:

Good advice, but... sadly she seems clued up, and creating new or anon addresses is 3 seconds work these days. In fact, it may even make her up her game.

I think we are working with a truly dangerous person here (we found more stuff that is very disturbing), so we need to tread carefully. What helps against "normal" humans may actually speed up her psychotic behavior. She is vicious, unpredictable, smart. She will try everything, and we can already see the next drama coming up like in a bad movie.

The person who could and should make sure Pam is safe, sadly, is not interested in doing so. I'm racking my brain on how to best proceed, but it's not easy. In the best case, she has some kind of parole against her already, and you/someone can prove that she is violating it, so she gets taken in for a few days. That may calm her down... or not.

From a totally objective distant POV she needs psychiatric help, badly. In a clinic I mean. She is going to hurt either someone else or herself (or pretend to do so).

The fact that some of the players are with the police does make this a very very complicated situation. I'll keep thinking, but so far I'm not getting anywhere. (except finding more indirect proof she probably indeed tried to hurt a dog when she said she tried to save him :mad:)

Phone calls have stopped. I neglected to mention on the Friday before Christmas the phone rang while my brother, SIL and niece were here. I had told them about the calls, so B answered and said “hey skank, we know it’s you”. There was a gasped intake of breath followed by a couple of heavy breaths before the phone clunked down. With the Lilith linked to her very clearly in the photo I sent to DB and the phone confrontation I think both those methods will cease. I remain hopeful she will just leave me alone and try to focus on staying “sane” for him.

Meanwhile he continues to contact me every day in one form or another, phone, visits, email or messenger. Yesterday visited and talked about de cluttering the house as if he is moving back. I just remain silent now. It’s pointless to say anything, I can see he is spiraling downwards mentally, his weight has gone up and none of it is my concern. I just have to remain focussed on how I can make ends meet, not easy when I’m not really supposed to be working and I’m now contemplating increasing my hours. Even though work asked me to formally increase to 4 days while I was ill, I hadn’t pursued it, perhaps I need to now.

Dentist this afternoon, feeling quite nervous even though it is only a clean and scale and consult for orthodontics. My jaw problem makes it hard to hold my mouth open for prolonged periods. So even a clean and scale presents with pain.

I’ve lost a lot of weight and can’t seem to find an appetite, I force myself to eat and sometimes feel quite ill afterwards. But I know this will pass. Such a shame when the painting began I gave away all my “skinny” thinking I would never fit in them again, big mistake... luckily I kept some favourite items.

Pam,
Appreciate keeping us informed; we care. Just wish there was something/some way to help.

Are there any thoughts of selling the house? Hopefully, if you did, there would be extra money to help you stay ahead of the expenses.

Gerry

Pam, it is good that the phone calls have stopped.

I hope that the meet with the dentist went well :).

I want to sell both houses, offload the rental, sell the main home and that will free up $ to pay capital gains tax which will be due on the rental. Tax man loves to take his bite. Big bite, but will have to be split between the 2 of us. Rough calculation I think will be about $18k each, hopefully I’ve over calculated.

Dentist found the need for one small filling and after I have some more scans of my jaw and teeth will look at doing Invisalign. She says mine are not that bad and should be aligned within 12 months and they have a payment plan where it can be paid monthly and not in a lump sum. Depending on the final quote, I’m at present inclined to go for it. She also suggested I whiten my teeth, not sure about this, the colour they are is natural and the white everyone has is not? Will have to ponder that one, but if I do it will be after the Invisalign.

Well this was a surprise. Yesterday I was approached to take on a seconded role for 6 months. Area HR Business Partner. I did say I’ve been out of HR for 5 years although I have kept up to date. They are impressed wth my work ethic and the skills I have demonstrated in my current role and believe I will carry them forward. So anyway, I accepted and will likely start Feb 1st. It will mean an increase in salary for 6 months, give me the chance to see how I go working full time and if I have the passion to enter HR work permanently again. My role Injury Mgt Consultant still remains uncertain so this comes at a good time for me. Plus I could do wth the extra money. And believe me, I will be making savings so I can pay off my share of the capital gains tax after the sale of the rental.

X-ray booked for jaw on Monday, and I hope to see the dentist again by the end of the week. I’ve decided if the Invisalign is possible, I’m going to do it.

Pam,
That's a terrific opportunity and at a time when most needed.

How is your bending issues coming along? I know this was a big concern for you.

Pam, that is awesome about your work :).

The money will be nice and putting your seconded job onto your CV will be good as well :).

I hope to start my hydrotherapy rehab next week. At the very least working full time will force me to go in the evening so the nights won’t seem so lonely. Bending is and will be an issue for ever, so I’m working on squats. Not easy but better than bending. I’m down to 1x Targin 20/10 a day for pain, and if necessary 5mg Endone for breakthrough. Was supposed to be 10mg but I asked for 5mg at the GP yesterday. The less I take the better when I’m working. I don’t like the feeling of not being in full control of what I might say. I’ve been known to inadvertently “overshare” after taking Oxy, and that’s not a good thing in the HR world. So in the main, I just suck it up.

So awesome to see how you are doing
 

So happy to see you are doing well
You can do it for yourself and you can get better
Slowly baby steps
Not to rush the body
So awesome for the mind and spirit
Fill that soul
You working again is the best thing ever
So happy you are going there
Much love
Me

Pam,
"Where there's a will; there is a way". That phrase was coined for a person like you. You have yourself covered with the rehab and have a full plan for the "no bend" issue with the squats .

Tirating down on the pain meds is really a plus too. The HR has seen enough to have faith in your capabilities.

As you may recall in the past; I have posted..."you are amazing". Now again....
Pam, you still continue to amaze me.


Gerry

Had the X-ray yesterday for my jaw /teeth, I will have to pick up the scans this afternoon and take to the dentist. Annoyingly the clinic doesn’t accept courier deliveries so radiology can’t deliver them as they do with most surgeries / clinics across the city. The scans are to see if my teeth will be suited to Invisalign. Now that I’ve had them done, I just want to get on with it. I’m annoyed with myself for delaying this. I should have done this 2 years ago when I noticed the top 2 canine (oops I’ve been calling them my inscisor) teeth turning inwards.

Pam,

You mention you should have done this 2 years ago. I think you were not focusing on Pam at that time; now you are. I'm glad you are taking care of these things making you feel better about your self as well.