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Old 12-17-2017, 06:55 PM #11
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Today’s email at 6.39am after the wild weather we had (very wild)! Hope all is good at home after the wild weather and hope you and all pets are doing ok. L&T

I imagine these will peter out soon enough, I notice the love has been dropped. If he truly cared, he will have remembered all the blinds needed securing, outdoor furniture secured and cat run made safe, none of which is truly easy to do when recovering from a 3 level spine fusion.

I had thought I’d managed it all with lots of small attempts over the course of the day, we had well advance notification of the storm intensity. But one of the blinds came free and I had to make a quick rescue dash, leaning back and looking up while pulling not an easy task in my state. Nevertheless I achieved it, the rain lashing seemed to reach its highest sometime around 3am, I checked on all the animals at 11, 1, 3 & 5. I got up at 6 and let them all in. In other words I had a very disrupted night. I would normally leave the cat run door open for the cats to come and go, but with the wind so strong it was sucking the curtain and smacking it against the open gap and whistling and flapping like Batman’s cape. I apologised to the cats and said I’m sorry it’s every cat and woman for themselves. Only my Manx looked at me reproachfully the Abyssinian, Black Russian and Russian Blue were up for a night of fun. My beloved boys (dogs) were hunkered down in their beds, didn’t even look up when I turned the light on to check, and as I had elevated their beds 8” off the ground in winter after the last storms when the back yard flooded I had no concerns about them sleeping in wet soaking beds. In all I think did a good job, in reality I did nothing more than I’ve done for the past 12 years, it’s always been me securing the furniture and blinds and making the yard safe from flying projectiles while he would sit inside in the depths of his depression or downing a beer or 4. Cats and dogs are all inside now and seem very well at ease.

My sister is coming tonight to clean and stay the night, I’m looking forward to her company. She has gone through this, her husband left her after 10yrs, he’d had multiple affairs and she had turned a blind eye. The day he left she was in hospital by nightfall, looking back, an effort on her behalf to garner his attention, I recall going to the house to get her X-rays and all he said was “what’s she done this time” with zero care factor. My sister is very different to me, she registered on an on line dating site and was with someone within the week, she openly admits she can’t be on her own. She’s able to take on someone else and become someone else with ease. I know she will recommend I do the same, but that’s not me & the thought of being in someone else’s arms churns my stomach.

I see my psych again tomorrow, she has chosen to bulk bill me for the next 3 sessions so I will not be out of pocket. I’ve spoken to Payroll and changed my pay to go into my new bank account and I’ve added up all his expenses since November 26 to tell him it’s his responsibility to repay them, by Thursday last week the setting up his new home exercise has cost $6876, money he has taken from our joint equity account which my wage was paid into. I notice he has spent more since then and also used the credit card. In contrast, I’ve spent $53. Maybe I should go back to November 10...

I feel drained, I pray I can become the person I was after I left my 1st husband, the one who was strong and put herself first for the first time in her life. The one who wasn’t controlled by others thoughts and actions, the one who said No and stopped trying to please everyone else. Ironically the one db (aka dead beat - no more dearly beloved) fell in love with. I need to be that person again, I know she must be somewhere inside me.

Post edit $9591.48 so much for telling me he’s not the flashy spend money man anymore. Miss BO has got herself a good one here. No way is she going to be releasing her claws.
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Last edited by PamelaJune; 12-17-2017 at 07:20 PM.
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Old 12-17-2017, 08:28 PM #12
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Pamela, it is good that you and your dogs survived the weather and that your sister is coming round .

It might be an idea if you got urgent advice about the money things. This is not about me but my story might give you some context.

I have been separated from my wife for about eight years. I think that we just grew apart and, with the power of 20:20 hindsight, there are things which we both could have done differently. We have a joint bank account with a lot of money in it. Sometimes either of us needs to make an unusually large withdrawal from it. Out of mutual respect we always check with the other first and the response is always the same; "Yes, no worries.".

It worries me a lot that DB is taking a lot of money out of your joint account without checking with you first. It does not seem fair to me. Can you get legal advice and/or talk to your bank about this?

With care and concern.

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Last edited by kiwi33; 12-17-2017 at 09:28 PM. Reason: Clarity.
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Old 12-17-2017, 11:42 PM #13
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Pam,

I share Kiwi's concerns. He has some good insights and recommendations.

You really need financial advice. Even a phone conference can lead you with direction to follow and would be less expensive. There is good chance db will be responsible/share the expenses as well.

The person you mentioned is still there inside; "you will be back"...


Gerry

Last edited by ger715; 12-18-2017 at 01:27 AM.
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Old 12-18-2017, 02:44 AM #14
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Iím going to the bank again after Iíve seen the psych, he is going there on Wednesday to get his new credit card application completed but I want to do exactly that, I want to ask how I can prevent him from just helping himself. We agreed he could use the credit card until he got his own issued, but I donít recall saying he could use the equity with apparent abandon....

He rang the landline at 10.53, I didnít answer but he left a message and sounded very concerned, he then immediately rang my work mobile which I was using at the time of his call to the landline and left an equally concerned message. Given my sister will be here tonight, I opted to send a brief email just in case he decided to come over to check. I copied his email of yesterday from my personal email to my work email and responded to him via that way, (ensuring she doesnít know I have replied, I have this feeling she has hacked my gmail, itís the one account I havenít changed but will after Xmas when I tell db Iím swapping my personal phone into my old work phone, that way she wonít think Iím on to her). It was the email he wrote about missing you, so I Just wrote ďand your missedĒ. Nothing else, in hindsight I should have copied this mornings email but I hadnít put that into the file and just coped the first one o came across, I could have said Iím ok, but Iím not and I canít see the point in lying. I should have said the animals are missing you, because they are, his voice came over the voice mail and Bronson & Bono raced to the front room looking for him. The cats keep gong to the bedroom looking for him, only sit on his chair and keep meowing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kiwi33 View Post
Pamela, it is good that you and your dogs survived the weather and that your sister is coming round .

It might be an idea if you got urgent advice about the money things. This is not about me but my story might give you some context.

I have been separated from my wife for about eight years. I think that we just grew apart and, with the power of 20:20 hindsight, there are things which we both could have done differently. We have a joint bank account with a lot of money in it. Sometimes either of us needs to make an unusually large withdrawal from it. Out of mutual respect we always check with the other first and the response is always the same; "Yes, no worries.".

It worries me a lot that DB is taking a lot of money out of your joint account without checking with you first. It does not seem fair to me. Can you get legal advice and/or talk to your bank about this?

With care and concern.

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Old 12-18-2017, 07:58 AM #15
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7.13pm - Tonightís message; Matt P and Sammy B visiting B today. Hope youíre well Love L&T


Iím so confused, this is not taking a break.... I have not responded.


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Old 12-18-2017, 02:56 PM #16
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There is almost irony in the fact that he sends you more messages, calls, mails, hugs & kisses than before he "needed time out". Not impressed DB, sorry.
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Old 12-18-2017, 08:14 PM #17
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My sister stayed last night and is cleaning this morning for me. It is highly evident Miss BO didnít clean in the time she was here.

My sister told me a story db once told her ex husband, It was not long after the failed IVF in the 1990ís. He told Jack when Iím in my 40ís I will leave Pam. She canít have children and in my 40ís Iíll still be able to.

So, I guess this fits with everything, in 2012 which is the timeline in which Iíve noted he changed. My niece gave birth to her 3rd son, db was round there all the time, my sister was away and my niece relied heavily on me and db. DB formed a very strong bond with the baby M. In late 2012/early 2013 my sister returned from the UK and my niece dropped us like hot cakes, she had her mother running her here there and everywhere and the baby no longer with db. I recall how bitter he was, and I said itís understandable itís her mum, we were not used and weíve not been dropped, there is nothing preventing you from still seeing M. But no, he became very bitter and twisted over it. I vividly recall a drunken outburst from him in 2013 when he went on about his heíd missed the opportunity to have children.

And I remember on our anniversary this year he made a comment about not having had children. I also remember him asking in a very intimate moment ďdo you love meĒ in such a voice I cried. Miss BO spent a lot of time with db during the painting of the house in July and August while I was in hospital.

October 15 this year db went to my nieces birthday party with A (I was in hospital) M said to db I donít know who you are. DB was upset, that we went to her house the following week and I took photos of db and M as a baby to show M (now 5). Of course by this time miss BO was constantly saying how much she wanted a baby.

So suddenly out of the blue in November db brings up the failed IVF, he hasnít spoken of it for 20 years, wasnít there for the d&c or my discharge from hospital, he never spoke of it ever other than to say we canít afford the IVF and he wouldnít adopt.

Miss BO asked me constantly in October about my IVF and why I didnít have children, and how much it affected db, she watched me cry every time she asked me about it. Little did I know she was hatching her plan to have babies with db.

So it makes sense to me on so many levels and the messages she made sure I saw about him wanting to have a family with her. Cruel and twisted she is, very cruel and manipulative. Gosh she just reeled him in like a blowfish on lard. Come in sucker. And thatís what she continues to use on him, word around town is she is actively trying to have a baby. I did say she will be pregnant by Xmas.

I watched a tv show last night mummy dead and dearest. Dee Dee Blanchard. I think miss BO is definitely on target to replicate those actions. Attention seeking on all levels.

I feel as though Iíve been peeled back to the core of my soul. It is the one thing he wanted and I couldnít do. Itís the one thing she found out and used to her every effort to seduce him. He had such high morals and values, he would never have strayed, heís had the opportunity many times and never been that type of man. I know this. But this, well it all makes so much sense now. I was his go to person, he used to talk highly of me all the time. Following my discharge from hospital in August and before the surgery he was distant. I guess miss BO had already set her plans in action. Hence the reason for the phone call to me on Monday 27th August and this plaintive I have no where to live...why oh why was I such a decent and trusting person, why couldnít I have been unkind and distant. What a fool I have made of myself all these years.
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Old 12-18-2017, 08:56 PM #18
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And while I think on it, the day we saw his Psych and her bluntly asking db if she can be honest. Then stating he has been wanting to leave or make changes to his life for the last 12 months. He’s spent $225 a session and seen her for 2 years.

I wish I had my wits about me to instead of being shocked being able to say to her and what strategies did you present to db to make these changes. You sent him to the mankind project. And then abandoned him, you as much told him that with the MKP he won’t need her. I well remember when he was suicidal and in the phonceall I had to his psychiatrist whom said he had never recieved a report from her regarding db and she can’t just abandon him. I remember chronicling the anger his psychiatrist expressed. And I remember db made no changes he went to MKP and was for a little bit rejuvenated but it dropped away as he does with everything, he loses interest.

I found an email he sent me this time last year; Thanks for your help together we can achieve so much. If we make a plan when I get back home and we can do a little every day. I just need help getting me started I feel a lot happier just doing the pond. I will miss you over Christmas I just need to think before I speak and show my appreciation. Maybe we can start over in the new year? We have stuck together for the last 24 years if we try we can make it better we are 80% there if we both make a little more effort wow we can do anything. Love Lyndon.

Clearly I missed the maybe we can start over... but I more than put in my 20% towards to 100, db put in 0%. All he did was complain & couch sit, no effort to do anything. But when little miss BO came along and started to do things (because he was paying her) he felt motivated. Motivation should come from within yourself, not guilt because someone else is doing it. And that’s what used to happen with us, I would get frustrated with his lack of action in the yard and I’d go and start working out there, then he would join in. That is exactly what happened with her, she was paid to do something and he’d go out and join her. Paying someone to do something that your helping them to do. I do hope he’s having fun in his new active life.
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Last edited by PamelaJune; 12-18-2017 at 11:44 PM.
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Old 12-19-2017, 03:08 AM #19
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Pam, I think that your last two posts must have been very hard and cathartic for you to write. They only reinforce my belief that you are a very honest and compassionate person.

The way in which Miss BO has manipulated both you and DB fits with my indirect experience of people with BPD. There is no way that I am trying to make excuses for her.

I hope that it is OK if I offer you a gentle and respectful suggestion.

It might be an idea if you just sat with what you have recently learned. This is not something which can be measured in hours or days. Processing it all might lead you to, for want of a better word, acceptance.

I hope that this helps.

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Old 12-19-2017, 06:33 AM #20
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Your honesty amazes and humbles me - still - and I think I see large pieces of a puzzle that didn't seem to make sense fall in place.

I'm having a hard time at the moment to avoid words that MrsD and the rest of NT would heavily frown upon, so I will refrain, but I am shocked, deeply shocked. Yes, Kiwi is right, the manipulator found the weak spot. Which does not excuse DB in any way shape or form. But they are wickedly good at that. It's like they have some special radar, I bet it doesn't even take them long to zoom in.

I am glad you chronicled, and keep doing so. As painful as it may, no, must, be, it makes it crystal clear what both the obvious and deep hidden truths are.

I can only say - repeat - I am honored to have become pals with you, and I can feel the hurt this must be doing to you, deeply. As little as it is, please know I will always have your back - even if I have to travel to the other end of the world and give some people a good talking to. (and no, I don't mean violence, it would be choice words). I'm also sure many in this thread feel exactly the same.

PS: I again want to repeat you were not a fool. At all.
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