Thanks Kiwi, I will, believe me I will, sleep I hope tonight will not evade me, I wake every night sometimes every hour in the hour, sometimes every two hours. I haven’t slept a full night since I learned the truth. Now that I know some more truths, perhaps my mind can stop cartwheeling looking for answers and find peace in acceptance.

Having to find it is in your court
It is something you must feel and go through
Sad as that may sound is the truth
It is your threshold you are seeking to find
And you will
You have the truth
As painful as it all is
Empowering uou WILL become
Nobody can get there but you
And I believe you have had enough proof of infidelity
A no no
A big time no no
Some will forgive and allow them all the way back
Others will always wonder
You have the Power within
Find yourself
You are PamelaJune
The lovely lady
Peace
Love
Me

I know we thank each other for posts with that button anyway, but I wanted to thank you in a more personal way for this post. I could not have said it better.

Every love letter exchanged between us for the last 12 years was kept in a box in our hallway closet. Alongside the box were my boxing gloves. I went looking for the letters yesterday morning. They are all gone, disappeared. I asked db why would he destroy the letters, he replied he hadn’t. There is only one other person who has been in that cupboard. Miss BO using my boxing gloves.

DB has tried to tell me I got the letters out and showed him and I’ve hidden them. I have not had the letters out, I have not shown him. I did tell him I had the letters. But I didn’t show him, I would have written about it in my chronicle of this or his journey. So I know I haven’t. It’s him trying to make me question my sanity, he’s either done it or she has, or the two of them have. But in these letters there was reference to the many arguments we have had over the years, and on at least 2 occasions reference to children, if as I believe, she has read them, she will have been front line and centre into our life and able to hone in on exactly db wanted.

No cleaning of the pond, yesterday to tired and in too bad of a mood, today is apparently sick in bed.

Gave me my Xmas present yesterday, asked me to keep it here for safe keeping before Xmas day. Said he had ordered it before and had to pay for it yesterday. I doubt that very much, if you order something from the jewellers and don’t pick it up, you don’t have to pay for it. More mind games.

Tells me yesterday he thinks she is crazy - no kidding Sherlock. Happy days ahead for you db, happy days, I’d be sleeping with one eye open if she finds out you’ve bought me a Xmas present.

Learned some eye watering truths from her old boss who has apologised for laughing at me. Seems she has been in direct contact with him but has lied to db about that as well. The old boss has deleted her from all his contacts and blocked her. (He was one of those she made allegations against of improper behaviour). The boss sent me a message saying he is sorry I met her through his company.

It’s something I experienced when being lied to
It my meds they would say
And like you
My memory may be off at times
But things of utter importance I do not
DO NOT FORGET
in fact
I make sure when involved with important stuff
Done when I’m mist coherent
Log it down somewhere as I’m big on that taking names time and dates
So I got you
I got you good
And may he not be able to keep an eye open
He has all he has coming to him in time
In time
As you heal
As you heal
With much love and understanding
Me

Pam, it is good that you got some clarity and compassion from talking with Miss BO's ex-boss.

I have little to add to Eva's wisdom beyond saying that I agree with her 100%.

I hope that you have a tranquil time over Christmas.

I hate saying "what Eva and Kiwi said" but, um, erm,... yeah, what they said!

Maybe I've said it before, but the "best" decision you took was to ... chronicle it all down. This story is so heart wrenching that you'd almost doubt your own sanity. I would! It's shocking, it's horror.

But then, you read the words from the first DB Sobriety post until the latest ones here, and you know with 100% clarity and certainty what the real truth is.

A small consolation? Maybe, perhaps. But a very important one.

I happened to think back of an awesome book called "Until I Find You" by John Irving. It's a stretch, but I hope you somehow can "tattoo" in your own heart that you promise to find yourself again too. Healing is what you will do, I have no doubt (but trust me, I do not underestimate the time and effort and hardship it may take).

I hope we can make the best out of a hard situation in the coming days, weeks, months - both of us. Heck, all of us on this thread.

Did I do the right thing
Like yourself
When you know and to Heavenly Father
Are the only one who knows
When you are giving your all in it
And in the end find you are the only one giving it gets
Tiring hurtful and the time goes by
And you put in all the work
Take time out to be kind to ourselves isn’t a thought
Cause we are doing what comes naturally to us
We take it personally
Because it is personal
It it with the one you think you can trust and be safe with
So make no mistake girlfriend
I would make the same decisions I made trying to protect my babies even for just a little time on this earth
And it is them who I hurt from when I am the best mother
I am
I’m a really good mom
And then their donors
They be the only good thing that came from them
Try and the balance I am getting
We are good
We matter
And it hurts

Pam,
I hope I am not "out of line"; but it appears db wants to leave his options open..... until he has had space and time to decide whether he wants to stay or go. If I recall correctly you mentioned his physiologist told you he had been thinking about this for the past couple of years.

Be careful "dear one".

Gerry

Recieved at 11.11am - Hi Pam, Just emailing to see if you are ok hope all is well see you Saturday morning at 7. Love L.

I went to work for management meetings today, got this email at work just after one of the meetings, was a tad upset, so I spoke to people at work & they are going to look into getting the pond removed, or put me in the right direction of removing it so there is no requirement for him to come around. One suggestion is to advertise the Koi 30plus free you come & collect then allow the pump to drain the pond to completely empty and with the hot weather hopefully there will be no smell. Another idea is to reduce the size considerably to just allow a small area under the water fountain. I think I’d have to buy a specific pond mould to do that. If I drain it in its entirety then I will have to fill it with clean fill. If I reduce the size & keep maybe 5 fish then I won’t need as much clean fill. Reducing the size will make the pond easier to maintain and I can do it and then when I sell this house the pond is still an attractive feature. A jolly big gaping hole in the back yard will not be a selling feature...

Tenants in the rental advised yesterday they are getting married and having a big wedding so the deposit to buying the house will be used for their wedding, will stay in over Xmas and look for something to rent elsewhere and give 4 weeks notice. So there goes the money towards the mortgage. Will have to sell it as is and empty. The tenant hasn’t exactly looked after it since I stopped being able to drive there and do inspections & wih the market drop we won’t get enough to cover the mortgage, but at least it will be less, a lot less. Hope it sells quickly if priced right.

I’m still in a state after the visit to my GP and the referral for STD, AIDS, HIV testing. Yesterday was not a good day. I hate my life right now.

I highly doubt he will be here at 7am, maybe in his dreams. The last laugh will not be on me. I am functioning, albeit not marvellously, but I’m alive and getting out and doing things even though it’s hard. I will get through this and be better off for it. That’s one thing I will make certain of.