My husband has left me after 25yrs of marriage for a 21yr old, the young girl who I took in and treated like a daughter. I’ve chronicled her arrrival in our life in other forums where I spoke of DB journey to sobriety, SCS thread, and never ending tears thread. There were warning signs of what she was up to and I posted of them in other forums but I was too unwell and in hospital to do a damn thing other than to say to him she is throwing herself at you and to be careful, never in a million years did I think he would commit an act of infidelity, he’s never been that type of man. But I guess having a young fit nubile girl constantly leaning into your arms, flattering your ego, stroking your arm and hanging off of every word you say, sobbing in your arms with her arms around your neck daily as she came up with with each new horrific lie (raped as a child, incest, beaten, more rape, and then the ultimate cutting from wrist to elbow on the inner arm when he told her he wanted to be friends and nothing more) then the alleged rescue of the dog who was allegedly choking, and how she shoved her hand down the dogs throat to remove a dead rat covered in maggots and the sitting crying for 4 hours as he held her and thanked her for saving the dog - all this while I was in hospital.

As it happens, none of the stories are true, I contacted her mother once I came home from hospital and learned of the affair. I don’t believe the story of the dog either, just another attempt by her to be in his arms.

But it’s too late now all of it, it’s happened, and even when I had my nephew put all her stuff out the front door, when she came to colllect it, she let herself in the front door and claims I assaulted her. Me who is barely able to care for myself assaulted her on the Sunday so that on the Wednesday when he saw her she had a black eye, she sobbed some more and ran off into the night. Gosh she could win an Oscar for her performance. He felt painfully guilty..... then he went house hunting and she joined him, out herself on the lease and used my name as her reference so the agents rang me to get a rental reference. Perfect way of making sure I knew she would be living with him, while he was telling me no she won’t be, she may stay over a few nights. She made sure I knew she would be there.

I’ve grappled where to post this, it’s painful to me, but not like the chronic pain I suffer from. It’s depressing and while I acknowledge I have depression it’s not fair to ask others suffering with depression for help and support on this particular subject. So, I’ve opted for this forum, I hope and pray NT’rs can help me as I embark on this journey to finding me. I’ve used other forums on here and have always taken comfort in knowing I could turn to NT and it’s emotional support I need right now. I need to be able to write my journey and have advice and support from the community I turn to in need. I am need of emotional support now more than I have ever needed before.

I have no idea how to move forward in terms of making arrangements to be sure I am financially secure. And as I keep telling my family who tell me how easy it all is. I am still supposed to be in hospital, I am unfit and cannot bend or twist. I am emotionally ill, I’m suffering with severe depression and anxiety so my mental health is also unstable. I’m trying to work from home so I can at least have some semblance of income come in, I’m struggling to work and concentrate, I’m struggling with just living. Some days I eat, others barely anything at all. I have cared for this man for 25 years, I have put his needs before mine always, I was the good wife. Now I’m just a fool, discarded when I am at my weakest. Please help me, I need your advice, emotional support and the care and love you’ve shared willingly before.

Pamela, please let me know about the best ways in which I might be able to support you.

I could offer you practical thoughts, make a very blunt assessment of the young woman (which you might find confronting), share some of my experiences and offer you emotional support. These are not mutually exclusive.

Whatever might work well for you is all that I am concerned about.

Kiwi, I would welcome your blunt assessment of this young woman and equally what I find confronting may well be the help I need in the healing process to find me again. A young friend of mine listened with horror as I gave a very skimmed version of his departure and she said to me, all I’ve heard is your concern for him, nothing of yourself, and it’s true, I’ve lost who I am in my efforts to be strong enough to deal with all my issues on my own these last 25years and carry him. So yes, I will value and treasure all you can offer and give. It’s what I need.

I have just now received this email from him to give an example of how detached he is and the world he’s living in.

“Sorry to keep sending emails. Did you pay my psych appt yesterday if not I will pay tonight But can you print out and keep for reclaiming Thanks. And What account do you want A to pay the rent into - the one she used to use. It’s more money towards the mortgage”

His Psych didn’t send me the a/c for yesterday, she knows I’m no longer responsible for his bills. He has moved out with A elsewhere, the account A used to pay rent into, and that would be 3 times in the 3 months she lived here, we closed on Thursday. Is he nuts, or is it just me??

This is how he was when he was in the deepest grips of alcohol, not thinking things through. As if his ex wife would be paying his ongoing psych appts that he’s attending after he’s moved out. As if I’m going to give over account numbers for her to pay money towards “our” mortgage, something she could use later down the track, oh I paid towards the mortgage...

He sent the email at 10.33, he is at work today and it pinged on my personal phone, my personal phone has never been set up to receive emails or ping on their arrival. But as of Thursday while we were at the bank, my phone now gets email alerts. So I have not answered the email. The phone rang at 11.22am, it will have been him, he always rang me between 11and 11.30am. I didn’t answer.

She has told people in our local community I’m an evil old woman, I’m violent and aggressive and have kept him a prisoner for the last 2 years making him go to work and not letting him go out.

I am truly frightened of this girl.

My blunt assessment of the young woman is that she has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Here are its official (DSM) clinical signs:

(1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment;
(2) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships;
(3) identity disturbance;
(4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are self–damaging;
(5) recurrent suicidal behavior, suicidal gestures, threats or self-mutilating
behavior;
(6) affective instability;
(7) chronic feelings of emptiness;
(8) inappropriate, intense anger;
(9) transient stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

I know about BPD because I used to be an Admin of a now-defunct board which supported people who self-injure (cut themselves without suicidal intent) - this is part of criterion (5).

Usually somebody needs five of those signs to get that Dx but from what you have said she seems to have all of them.

People with BPD are very manipulative, as is reflected in your experience. For your own well-being (all that I am concerned with) please have nothing to do with her.

If you want to you could pass on the BPD list to DB as a "heads-up". letting him know what he is getting into with the young woman. Your call - whatever is best for you is the only thing that I am worried about.

Kiwi, I cannot begin to thank you for taking the time to do this assessment. It has confirmed all my thoughts and fears. But fears for me and my pets. I do believe the alleged rescue of Bronson was utter BS and I actually think she did shove her hand down his throat and cause damage to his windpipe. He was not having this laboured breathing before I went back into hospital the 2nd time, it only happened after she “rescued him” remember db came to 5e hospital and said he might have to put him down.

So db has made his bed, he needs to learn his own lessons and I am not in rescue mode in any way shape or form. In his current mindset and her prolific badgering of him re me is possible to prompt him to drink and openly tell her or worse show her this. So stay with me it will other than those few dear friends I trust with my life details.

Thank you Kiwi, thank you

Today’s email at 6.39am after the wild weather we had (very wild)! Hope all is good at home after the wild weather and hope you and all pets are doing ok. L&T

I imagine these will peter out soon enough, I notice the love has been dropped. If he truly cared, he will have remembered all the blinds needed securing, outdoor furniture secured and cat run made safe, none of which is truly easy to do when recovering from a 3 level spine fusion.

I had thought I’d managed it all with lots of small attempts over the course of the day, we had well advance notification of the storm intensity. But one of the blinds came free and I had to make a quick rescue dash, leaning back and looking up while pulling not an easy task in my state. Nevertheless I achieved it, the rain lashing seemed to reach its highest sometime around 3am, I checked on all the animals at 11, 1, 3 & 5. I got up at 6 and let them all in. In other words I had a very disrupted night. I would normally leave the cat run door open for the cats to come and go, but with the wind so strong it was sucking the curtain and smacking it against the open gap and whistling and flapping like Batman’s cape. I apologised to the cats and said I’m sorry it’s every cat and woman for themselves. Only my Manx looked at me reproachfully the Abyssinian, Black Russian and Russian Blue were up for a night of fun. My beloved boys (dogs) were hunkered down in their beds, didn’t even look up when I turned the light on to check, and as I had elevated their beds 8” off the ground in winter after the last storms when the back yard flooded I had no concerns about them sleeping in wet soaking beds. In all I think did a good job, in reality I did nothing more than I’ve done for the past 12 years, it’s always been me securing the furniture and blinds and making the yard safe from flying projectiles while he would sit inside in the depths of his depression or downing a beer or 4. Cats and dogs are all inside now and seem very well at ease.

My sister is coming tonight to clean and stay the night, I’m looking forward to her company. She has gone through this, her husband left her after 10yrs, he’d had multiple affairs and she had turned a blind eye. The day he left she was in hospital by nightfall, looking back, an effort on her behalf to garner his attention, I recall going to the house to get her X-rays and all he said was “what’s she done this time” with zero care factor. My sister is very different to me, she registered on an on line dating site and was with someone within the week, she openly admits she can’t be on her own. She’s able to take on someone else and become someone else with ease. I know she will recommend I do the same, but that’s not me & the thought of being in someone else’s arms churns my stomach.

I see my psych again tomorrow, she has chosen to bulk bill me for the next 3 sessions so I will not be out of pocket. I’ve spoken to Payroll and changed my pay to go into my new bank account and I’ve added up all his expenses since November 26 to tell him it’s his responsibility to repay them, by Thursday last week the setting up his new home exercise has cost $6876, money he has taken from our joint equity account which my wage was paid into. I notice he has spent more since then and also used the credit card. In contrast, I’ve spent $53. Maybe I should go back to November 10...

I feel drained, I pray I can become the person I was after I left my 1st husband, the one who was strong and put herself first for the first time in her life. The one who wasn’t controlled by others thoughts and actions, the one who said No and stopped trying to please everyone else. Ironically the one db (aka dead beat - no more dearly beloved) fell in love with. I need to be that person again, I know she must be somewhere inside me.

Post edit $9591.48 so much for telling me he’s not the flashy spend money man anymore. Miss BO has got herself a good one here. No way is she going to be releasing her claws.

Pam,
Will be here for any support I can help in this journey you are on. Have you contacted a lawyer for advice in dealing with financial support, etc.?

As you may already suspect/know, he may be drinking again which is now out of your hands. He will have to learn to deal with these things on his own terms. He will find out in due time who she really is and whether this is something that will last or just a fling. Again,
he can no longer use you as his excuse.

Hold on dear friend.

Gerry

You have faithfully given yourself to this person for over twenty five years
Just that time in itself matter on so many levels
Including spousal support
Just to name one that may ease your mind
Awesome advise
Really good assessments that is in my family
But to have the not so identical partner
There are natural fears that entire our mind
And begin to work on us and fear settles
As change is about to hit the fan
I gladly gave up men because I had children
You case very different
To have gone through all you have I will never know
But the next thing you live are the children
And protecting them
My dimple point
We do all we can to help them in life
Never abandon them
In your case a trouble on a much different situation
It is at the end of the day we are in for changes
I could let all that is happening go on and shut up and put up with it
But how cowardly of me
I must not allow anybody
Determine what you want in your life and relationships
This is all about you right. Ow
Time to take care of you
How easily he walked into her sickness
And you are correct in your assessment for his ego being stroked
But I will ask you this
Would you enjoy yourself with a younger generation
Because in all the generations one after another it doesn’t stop
I will put my money on this
I believe if a father shoes his son how his mother is treated will be a huge factor huge ingredient along with some stuff from mom in return is where it really all comes from
A dream for some
But it be the way or in my family’s case I have a gay son and a gay daughter
Do lesson be the emotional connection
The certainty of no abandonment there are so many things for you to hold on to and maybe find you don’t want to hang on to it anymore
Letting go is difficult
Routine is difficult
Change is difficult
I have hope
And dreams for myself
I have so many things I have to deal with just to pump up myself for the day
I matter
Something I need to figure out alone
It must emanate from the inside
Come from me
My depression is mine
Have a good idea what causes them
For the most part am learning it’s a couple of times in my day I have to stop and say I can do this
And thank Heavenly Father is surrounding me protecting me
Letting me find me
Never letting go of your need to hang on and know you are so not alone in what you are going through
My job to help where I can to ease that hurt
Because it does
Love
Me

Probably already knew, but I'm here.

PS: you are not a fool.

Early days and already sending me confusing messages - last night a message he hoped I had a good day love L, then this morning an email; Hope you’re doing well Toby happier with the cooler weather how are the boys? Missing you Love L&T.

I haven’t replied to any messages, I think I will only respond in person, I’ve had 2 phone calls neither of which I answered, 2nd one he left a voice message, same content as the email.

Damn, he said on Friday before the bank he needed a break. Well needing a break and then telling me 2 days later he misses me is not taking a break. It’s his fault he’s missing me.... He’s coming here Wednesday to do the pond, he has an appt at the bank to complete his credit card application and I guess will come here after that, I have a work appt at 2pm, I think I’ll leave earlier so I don’t see him and have to put up with her pinging iphis iPad every 5 m8nutes and ringing him because he hasn’t responded...

My mum and sister keep saying I need to be here so he can’t take stuff, but I just can’t be worked up over material things, if he takes something, I just don’t seem to have the energy to care. Other people telling me to get a lawyer, I can’t afford a lawyer, my pharmacy bills are huge, as is my medical treatment and on top of that now I have to pay electricity, gas and water. So it’s going to be tough. I’m cutting off Foxtel (sky) at the end of the month and I’m going to see if I qualify for food bank, I have 6 pets to feed as well as myself. I can’t change the security costs or internet and telephone costs so I’ll just have to suck that up somehow. And push my boss to go ahead with the increase to 4 days a week, even if at present I struggle to work 1. I’m getting the work done, just not in a fashion I would normally and no one can say they’re neglected, I’m meeting all their needs. Life is just pure hell right now. I’m so confused and scared.
.