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Finding me again after 25 years

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Old 12-15-2017, 08:33 PM   #1
PamelaJune
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Default Finding me again after 25 years

My husband has left me after 25yrs of marriage for a 21yr old, the young girl who I took in and treated like a daughter. Iíve chronicled her arrrival in our life in other forums where I spoke of DB journey to sobriety, SCS thread, and never ending tears thread. There were warning signs of what she was up to and I posted of them in other forums but I was too unwell and in hospital to do a damn thing other than to say to him she is throwing herself at you and to be careful, never in a million years did I think he would commit an act of infidelity, heís never been that type of man. But I guess having a young fit nubile girl constantly leaning into your arms, flattering your ego, stroking your arm and hanging off of every word you say, sobbing in your arms with her arms around your neck daily as she came up with with each new horrific lie (raped as a child, incest, beaten, more rape, and then the ultimate cutting from wrist to elbow on the inner arm when he told her he wanted to be friends and nothing more) then the alleged rescue of the dog who was allegedly choking, and how she shoved her hand down the dogs throat to remove a dead rat covered in maggots and the sitting crying for 4 hours as he held her and thanked her for saving the dog - all this while I was in hospital.

As it happens, none of the stories are true, I contacted her mother once I came home from hospital and learned of the affair. I donít believe the story of the dog either, just another attempt by her to be in his arms.

But itís too late now all of it, itís happened, and even when I had my nephew put all her stuff out the front door, when she came to colllect it, she let herself in the front door and claims I assaulted her. Me who is barely able to care for myself assaulted her on the Sunday so that on the Wednesday when he saw her she had a black eye, she sobbed some more and ran off into the night. Gosh she could win an Oscar for her performance. He felt painfully guilty..... then he went house hunting and she joined him, out herself on the lease and used my name as her reference so the agents rang me to get a rental reference. Perfect way of making sure I knew she would be living with him, while he was telling me no she wonít be, she may stay over a few nights. She made sure I knew she would be there.

Iíve grappled where to post this, itís painful to me, but not like the chronic pain I suffer from. Itís depressing and while I acknowledge I have depression itís not fair to ask others suffering with depression for help and support on this particular subject. So, Iíve opted for this forum, I hope and pray NTírs can help me as I embark on this journey to finding me. Iíve used other forums on here and have always taken comfort in knowing I could turn to NT and itís emotional support I need right now. I need to be able to write my journey and have advice and support from the community I turn to in need. I am need of emotional support now more than I have ever needed before.

I have no idea how to move forward in terms of making arrangements to be sure I am financially secure. And as I keep telling my family who tell me how easy it all is. I am still supposed to be in hospital, I am unfit and cannot bend or twist. I am emotionally ill, Iím suffering with severe depression and anxiety so my mental health is also unstable. Iím trying to work from home so I can at least have some semblance of income come in, Iím struggling to work and concentrate, Iím struggling with just living. Some days I eat, others barely anything at all. I have cared for this man for 25 years, I have put his needs before mine always, I was the good wife. Now Iím just a fool, discarded when I am at my weakest. Please help me, I need your advice, emotional support and the care and love youíve shared willingly before.
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Old 12-15-2017, 09:18 PM   #2
kiwi33
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Pamela, please let me know about the best ways in which I might be able to support you.

I could offer you practical thoughts, make a very blunt assessment of the young woman (which you might find confronting), share some of my experiences and offer you emotional support. These are not mutually exclusive.

Whatever might work well for you is all that I am concerned about.

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Old 12-15-2017, 10:56 PM   #3
PamelaJune
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Kiwi, I would welcome your blunt assessment of this young woman and equally what I find confronting may well be the help I need in the healing process to find me again. A young friend of mine listened with horror as I gave a very skimmed version of his departure and she said to me, all Iíve heard is your concern for him, nothing of yourself, and itís true, Iíve lost who I am in my efforts to be strong enough to deal with all my issues on my own these last 25years and carry him. So yes, I will value and treasure all you can offer and give. Itís what I need.

I have just now received this email from him to give an example of how detached he is and the world heís living in.

ďSorry to keep sending emails. Did you pay my psych appt yesterday if not I will pay tonight But can you print out and keep for reclaiming Thanks. And What account do you want A to pay the rent into - the one she used to use. Itís more money towards the mortgageĒ

His Psych didnít send me the a/c for yesterday, she knows Iím no longer responsible for his bills. He has moved out with A elsewhere, the account A used to pay rent into, and that would be 3 times in the 3 months she lived here, we closed on Thursday. Is he nuts, or is it just me??

This is how he was when he was in the deepest grips of alcohol, not thinking things through. As if his ex wife would be paying his ongoing psych appts that heís attending after heís moved out. As if Iím going to give over account numbers for her to pay money towards ďourĒ mortgage, something she could use later down the track, oh I paid towards the mortgage...

He sent the email at 10.33, he is at work today and it pinged on my personal phone, my personal phone has never been set up to receive emails or ping on their arrival. But as of Thursday while we were at the bank, my phone now gets email alerts. So I have not answered the email. The phone rang at 11.22am, it will have been him, he always rang me between 11and 11.30am. I didnít answer.

She has told people in our local community Iím an evil old woman, Iím violent and aggressive and have kept him a prisoner for the last 2 years making him go to work and not letting him go out.

I am truly frightened of this girl.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kiwi33 View Post
Pamela, please let me know about the best ways in which I might be able to support you.

I could offer you practical thoughts, make a very blunt assessment of the young woman (which you might find confronting), share some of my experiences and offer you emotional support. These are not mutually exclusive.

Whatever might work well for you is all that I am concerned about.

__________________
I can still remember what life was like before pain became my life long companion
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Old 12-15-2017, 11:41 PM   #4
kiwi33
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My blunt assessment of the young woman is that she has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Here are its official (DSM) clinical signs:

(1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment;
(2) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships;
(3) identity disturbance;
(4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are selfĖdamaging;
(5) recurrent suicidal behavior, suicidal gestures, threats or self-mutilating
behavior;
(6) affective instability;
(7) chronic feelings of emptiness;
(8) inappropriate, intense anger;
(9) transient stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

I know about BPD because I used to be an Admin of a now-defunct board which supported people who self-injure (cut themselves without suicidal intent) - this is part of criterion (5).

Usually somebody needs five of those signs to get that Dx but from what you have said she seems to have all of them.

People with BPD are very manipulative, as is reflected in your experience. For your own well-being (all that I am concerned with) please have nothing to do with her.

If you want to you could pass on the BPD list to DB as a "heads-up". letting him know what he is getting into with the young woman. Your call - whatever is best for you is the only thing that I am worried about.
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Old 12-15-2017, 11:45 PM   #5
ger715
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Pam,
Will be here for any support I can help in this journey you are on. Have you contacted a lawyer for advice in dealing with financial support, etc.?

As you may already suspect/know, he may be drinking again which is now out of your hands. He will have to learn to deal with these things on his own terms. He will find out in due time who she really is and whether this is something that will last or just a fling. Again,
he can no longer use you as his excuse.

Hold on dear friend.

Gerry
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Old 12-16-2017, 09:27 AM   #6
eva5667faliure
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PamelaJune View Post
My husband has left me after 25yrs of marriage for a 21yr old, the young girl who I took in and treated like a daughter. Iíve chronicled her arrrival in our life in other forums where I spoke of DB journey to sobriety, SCS thread, and never ending tears thread. There were warning signs of what she was up to and I posted of them in other forums but I was too unwell and in hospital to do a damn thing other than to say to him she is throwing herself at you and to be careful, never in a million years did I think he would commit an act of infidelity, heís never been that type of man. But I guess having a young fit nubile girl constantly leaning into your arms, flattering your ego, stroking your arm and hanging off of every word you say, sobbing in your arms with her arms around your neck daily as she came up with with each new horrific lie (raped as a child, incest, beaten, more rape, and then the ultimate cutting from wrist to elbow on the inner arm when he told her he wanted to be friends and nothing more) then the alleged rescue of the dog who was allegedly choking, and how she shoved her hand down the dogs throat to remove a dead rat covered in maggots and the sitting crying for 4 hours as he held her and thanked her for saving the dog - all this while I was in hospital.

As it happens, none of the stories are true, I contacted her mother once I came home from hospital and learned of the affair. I donít believe the story of the dog either, just another attempt by her to be in his arms.

But itís too late now all of it, itís happened, and even when I had my nephew put all her stuff out the front door, when she came to colllect it, she let herself in the front door and claims I assaulted her. Me who is barely able to care for myself assaulted her on the Sunday so that on the Wednesday when he saw her she had a black eye, she sobbed some more and ran off into the night. Gosh she could win an Oscar for her performance. He felt painfully guilty..... then he went house hunting and she joined him, out herself on the lease and used my name as her reference so the agents rang me to get a rental reference. Perfect way of making sure I knew she would be living with him, while he was telling me no she wonít be, she may stay over a few nights. She made sure I knew she would be there.

Iíve grappled where to post this, itís painful to me, but not like the chronic pain I suffer from. Itís depressing and while I acknowledge I have depression itís not fair to ask others suffering with depression for help and support on this particular subject. So, Iíve opted for this forum, I hope and pray NTírs can help me as I embark on this journey to finding me. Iíve used other forums on here and have always taken comfort in knowing I could turn to NT and itís emotional support I need right now. I need to be able to write my journey and have advice and support from the community I turn to in need. I am need of emotional support now more than I have ever needed before.

I have no idea how to move forward in terms of making arrangements to be sure I am financially secure. And as I keep telling my family who tell me how easy it all is. I am still supposed to be in hospital, I am unfit and cannot bend or twist. I am emotionally ill, Iím suffering with severe depression and anxiety so my mental health is also unstable. Iím trying to work from home so I can at least have some semblance of income come in, Iím struggling to work and concentrate, Iím struggling with just living. Some days I eat, others barely anything at all. I have cared for this man for 25 years, I have put his needs before mine always, I was the good wife. Now Iím just a fool, discarded when I am at my weakest. Please help me, I need your advice, emotional support and the care and love youíve shared willingly before.
You have faithfully given yourself to this person for over twenty five years
Just that time in itself matter on so many levels
Including spousal support
Just to name one that may ease your mind
Awesome advise
Really good assessments that is in my family
But to have the not so identical partner
There are natural fears that entire our mind
And begin to work on us and fear settles
As change is about to hit the fan
I gladly gave up men because I had children
You case very different
To have gone through all you have I will never know
But the next thing you live are the children
And protecting them
My dimple point
We do all we can to help them in life
Never abandon them
In your case a trouble on a much different situation
It is at the end of the day we are in for changes
I could let all that is happening go on and shut up and put up with it
But how cowardly of me
I must not allow anybody
Determine what you want in your life and relationships
This is all about you right. Ow
Time to take care of you
How easily he walked into her sickness
And you are correct in your assessment for his ego being stroked
But I will ask you this
Would you enjoy yourself with a younger generation
Because in all the generations one after another it doesnít stop
I will put my money on this
I believe if a father shoes his son how his mother is treated will be a huge factor huge ingredient along with some stuff from mom in return is where it really all comes from
A dream for some
But it be the way or in my familyís case I have a gay son and a gay daughter
Do lesson be the emotional connection
The certainty of no abandonment there are so many things for you to hold on to and maybe find you donít want to hang on to it anymore
Letting go is difficult
Routine is difficult
Change is difficult
I have hope
And dreams for myself
I have so many things I have to deal with just to pump up myself for the day
I matter
Something I need to figure out alone
It must emanate from the inside
Come from me
My depression is mine
Have a good idea what causes them
For the most part am learning itís a couple of times in my day I have to stop and say I can do this
And thank Heavenly Father is surrounding me protecting me
Letting me find me
Never letting go of your need to hang on and know you are so not alone in what you are going through
My job to help where I can to ease that hurt
Because it does
Love
Me
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eva
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Old 12-16-2017, 10:22 AM   #7
Wide-O
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Probably already knew, but I'm here.

PS: you are not a fool.
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Old 12-17-2017, 03:25 AM   #8
PamelaJune
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Early days and already sending me confusing messages - last night a message he hoped I had a good day love L, then this morning an email; Hope youíre doing well Toby happier with the cooler weather how are the boys? Missing you Love L&T.

I havenít replied to any messages, I think I will only respond in person, Iíve had 2 phone calls neither of which I answered, 2nd one he left a voice message, same content as the email.

Damn, he said on Friday before the bank he needed a break. Well needing a break and then telling me 2 days later he misses me is not taking a break. Itís his fault heís missing me.... Heís coming here Wednesday to do the pond, he has an appt at the bank to complete his credit card application and I guess will come here after that, I have a work appt at 2pm, I think Iíll leave earlier so I donít see him and have to put up with her pinging iphis iPad every 5 m8nutes and ringing him because he hasnít responded...

My mum and sister keep saying I need to be here so he canít take stuff, but I just canít be worked up over material things, if he takes something, I just donít seem to have the energy to care. Other people telling me to get a lawyer, I canít afford a lawyer, my pharmacy bills are huge, as is my medical treatment and on top of that now I have to pay electricity, gas and water. So itís going to be tough. Iím cutting off Foxtel (sky) at the end of the month and Iím going to see if I qualify for food bank, I have 6 pets to feed as well as myself. I canít change the security costs or internet and telephone costs so Iíll just have to suck that up somehow. And push my boss to go ahead with the increase to 4 days a week, even if at present I struggle to work 1. Iím getting the work done, just not in a fashion I would normally and no one can say theyíre neglected, Iím meeting all their needs. Life is just pure hell right now. Iím so confused and scared.
.
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Old 12-17-2017, 05:33 AM   #9
kiwi33
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Pamela, this is just a thought but maybe you could have a chat to Centrelink - they might be able to help with the money stuff?

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Old 12-17-2017, 05:41 AM   #10
PamelaJune
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Kiwi, I cannot begin to thank you for taking the time to do this assessment. It has confirmed all my thoughts and fears. But fears for me and my pets. I do believe the alleged rescue of Bronson was utter BS and I actually think she did shove her hand down his throat and cause damage to his windpipe. He was not having this laboured breathing before I went back into hospital the 2nd time, it only happened after she ďrescued himĒ remember db came to 5e hospital and said he might have to put him down.

So db has made his bed, he needs to learn his own lessons and I am not in rescue mode in any way shape or form. In his current mindset and her prolific badgering of him re me is possible to prompt him to drink and openly tell her or worse show her this. So stay with me it will other than those few dear friends I trust with my life details.

Thank you Kiwi, thank you
Quote:
Originally Posted by kiwi33 View Post
My blunt assessment of the young woman is that she has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Here are its official (DSM) clinical signs:

(1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment;
(2) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships;
(3) identity disturbance;
(4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are selfĖdamaging;
(5) recurrent suicidal behavior, suicidal gestures, threats or self-mutilating
behavior;
(6) affective instability;
(7) chronic feelings of emptiness;
(8) inappropriate, intense anger;
(9) transient stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

I know about BPD because I used to be an Admin of a now-defunct board which supported people who self-injure (cut themselves without suicidal intent) - this is part of criterion (5).

Usually somebody needs five of those signs to get that Dx but from what you have said she seems to have all of them.

People with BPD are very manipulative, as is reflected in your experience. For your own well-being (all that I am concerned with) please have nothing to do with her.

If you want to you could pass on the BPD list to DB as a "heads-up". letting him know what he is getting into with the young woman. Your call - whatever is best for you is the only thing that I am worried about.
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