Ok, preface.... this may be the totally wrong place, the totally wrong time, and maybe confusing to anyone reading it.... but I was at a loss where best to post it. But I knew I had to get it publicly viewable, not just in my journal, or to the confines of my best friend (if that makes any sense to anyone).

I have several health probs, none of which I personally find disabling in and of themselves.... save for possibly poor eyesight, which isnt even poor enough to be classified as statutory blindness *shrugs*. So, when I first applied at the SS office, I expected to be part of the 70 - 80 percent turned down on initial application. I mean, there are people out there far worse than I am, people taking multiple prescriptions, in agony, with files and files and files of records, people who have had surgery after surgery after surgery, who have fought the system 2, 3, 4 or more years.

I mean, I have some serious limitations, but I KNOW its limitations imposed on my not by my health problems themselves, but by ME. The thought of going to the store is terrifying. Having to make a Dr. Appointment is beyond fear, DH does ALL the calls. I havent even been to a single parent teacher conference since surgery in 2000.

I know I'll have to start going to Dr.'s appointments once the award letter comes in. But I dont know if I'll be able to tell them whats wrong. When I went to the CE Mental Exam, I broke into tears when the Psychologist asked me how I was doing, and just shoved a piece of paper at him my mother had helped me write out. The first sentence said it all, "I'm an intelligent person, and my greatest fear is that a mental competency test will show that, but if the right questions arent asked, you wont understand the real problems I face every day."

I know I have mental health issues, depression, anxiety, etc. Although that was the first psychologist I had ever been too. I mean, I am intelligent, I've read online and know some of the symptoms of different illnesses. I KNOW I'm not right, ya know?

I guess, what this is all about, is right now, while I'm at home, I dont FEEL disabled. Even though SS says I am, and my family says I am, and my friends say I am. So how do I get over the guilt? Yes, I feel guilt over the fact that I got it, when so many definately deserving people are fighting so hard, and deserve it so very much???

It's like I'm taking money outta the mouth of someone who cant work, who's laid up in bed with debilitating pain, in daily agony. While I take care of my house, watch TV and organize my families daily lives.

Does that make any sense? Am I just a whack job that needs to be taken out of society. I dont know, maybe I shouldnt even have posted this. But its done, and maybe it'll give someone a chuckle if nothing else.

God Bless us Everyone!!!

Dawn