Ok, preface.... this may be the totally wrong place, the totally wrong time, and maybe confusing to anyone reading it.... but I was at a loss where best to post it. But I knew I had to get it publicly viewable, not just in my journal, or to the confines of my best friend (if that makes any sense to anyone).

I have several health probs, none of which I personally find disabling in and of themselves.... save for possibly poor eyesight, which isnt even poor enough to be classified as statutory blindness *shrugs*. So, when I first applied at the SS office, I expected to be part of the 70 - 80 percent turned down on initial application. I mean, there are people out there far worse than I am, people taking multiple prescriptions, in agony, with files and files and files of records, people who have had surgery after surgery after surgery, who have fought the system 2, 3, 4 or more years.

I mean, I have some serious limitations, but I KNOW its limitations imposed on my not by my health problems themselves, but by ME. The thought of going to the store is terrifying. Having to make a Dr. Appointment is beyond fear, DH does ALL the calls. I havent even been to a single parent teacher conference since surgery in 2000.

I know I'll have to start going to Dr.'s appointments once the award letter comes in. But I dont know if I'll be able to tell them whats wrong. When I went to the CE Mental Exam, I broke into tears when the Psychologist asked me how I was doing, and just shoved a piece of paper at him my mother had helped me write out. The first sentence said it all, "I'm an intelligent person, and my greatest fear is that a mental competency test will show that, but if the right questions arent asked, you wont understand the real problems I face every day."

I know I have mental health issues, depression, anxiety, etc. Although that was the first psychologist I had ever been too. I mean, I am intelligent, I've read online and know some of the symptoms of different illnesses. I KNOW I'm not right, ya know?

I guess, what this is all about, is right now, while I'm at home, I dont FEEL disabled. Even though SS says I am, and my family says I am, and my friends say I am. So how do I get over the guilt? Yes, I feel guilt over the fact that I got it, when so many definately deserving people are fighting so hard, and deserve it so very much???

It's like I'm taking money outta the mouth of someone who cant work, who's laid up in bed with debilitating pain, in daily agony. While I take care of my house, watch TV and organize my families daily lives.

Does that make any sense? Am I just a whack job that needs to be taken out of society. I dont know, maybe I shouldnt even have posted this. But its done, and maybe it'll give someone a chuckle if nothing else.

God Bless us Everyone!!!

Dawn

Try not to be so hard on yourself, Dawn. The fact that you even applied leads me to believe that somewhere, deep down inside, you recognize a truth that maybe, for now, you are not capable of getting and keeping gainful employment.

Flip it over and consider the other side of the situation. You now have the freedom to pursue corrective measures toward taking back your life. I'm a huge fan of God and believe that He has a great design for each of us. He probably has something in mind for you to do for Him in this new situation.

You do strike me as intelligent, thoughtful, and aware of your circumstances. Coincidence? I think not. I hope you'll find a way to see this new scheme in your life as an opportunity to do something good for yourself and others.

Actually, applying for disability wasnt a "decision" I "made", so to speak. After my opthamologist appointment, when he wrote on a piece of paper that I was scheduled for an MRI due to vision loss from possible complications of my ACM surgery, hubby had me caged (in the car, cause I stopped driving 3 years ago) and he just TOOK me there saying, "This is it, no matter what you think, we're doing this, and we're doing it now."

So we did the application (actually I think DH gave more info than I did, I was dying of embarrassment). All I could think about was that I must look like some drugged out psychopath, with my dialated pupils, bloodshot eyes, tear stains down my face, and not able to look anyone in the eye, or answer a simple question like "How old are you" without stuttering.

Anywho, thankyou for answering so quickly. I'd actually come in to delete the post (if that's even possible). But since there was a reply, that would look kinda dorky in and of its self, huh? Once again, thank you for your empathy and support.

God Bless you and yours!!!!

Dawn

Aww... please don't be embarassed. I admire you for saying how you feel because I have had a lot of the same feelings but I didn't dare talk about them for fear that others would look down on me. I too, have had a hard time being labeled disabled. My labeled disability is ADD. I've only been self supportive for 18 years when was downsized out of my job. When my severance pay ran out, I still hadn't been able to apply for a job or apply for unemployment. Even then, I had to pushed and shoved to apply with the state's rehabilitation services for help. My psychologist kept telling me that we have to work with the "system" to get the help I need. And it is very difficult to get the help you need especially in my case, when I'm not quite sure what it would be. When your disability is mental, it's a hard blow to take. It's like, I don't want to tell anybody THAT!! They'll just think I'm lazy... and I'm not... they'll just think I'm stupid... and I'm not. It must be my fault because I should be able to do this. But the problem was that I couldn't. Do you see what I mean? I think I know you do. It's crushing. It's crushing to my ego and my soul. Eventually, it does come down to acceptance... it comes down to acceptance of who you are, acceptance of where you are and where do you go from here. Try to think of it as taking a step into the future....

I think I will have to print that out and put it in front of my desk.

Oh, and please don't be afraid of getting psychological help, it will help make your life better. And if it's any consolation to you, it's the really crazy ones that don't think there is anything wrong with them.

I hope things get better for you soon. I can't tell you it's going to be easy, but it will eventually. Hang in there, and I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone.

~Hope

OMGracious, it's such a relief to be understood!

I feared I'd be taunted, but to be understood and believed? and all in the same breath? Its so gratifying. Thankyou so much for your reply!!!!

My SIL has been in therapy for the past 7 years for OCD, and hubby just got his diagnosis of PSTD last week, after seeing a psychiatrist for "anger issues" for a year.(Nothing physical toward the family, just emotional anger issues). My aunt was a chair-person on the Western Kentucky Regional Mental Health Board for years before she passed away a couple years ago, so I've always had the "knowledge" that mental issues were a disease no different than diabetes or a heart attack.

But just having the knowledge, and knowing it deep down in your heart and psyche' are two different issues all together, ya know? Anywho, thankyou so much for your understanding, it is totally appreciated.

Yeah, I totally get the "should be able" mentality. Both hubby and my SIL are both highly functioning, even with their impairments. He's a salesman for an electrical company he's been with several years, and she's in her 3rd year of law school. "They have 'issues' but they function and function well in society..... so why cant I?" Has been my mantra for several years now. Ya know?

Well, I got the award letter (finally!) from SSI. My "disabilities" as defined by them are Visual Impairment and Affective Mood Disorder. Which, after me and hubby discussing it with the case worker, doesnt tell us much ROTFL. I mean, I know the vision issues. But the AMD is pretty much a blanket pre-diagnosis, if I understand correctly. Because the psychologist couldnt come up with a indepth diagnosis with just the one 45 min. interview and no past medical records.

So from what she said, I guess the next step for me is to find a PCP to get started with, and after a more through exam decide on a psychiatrist or psychologist, or maybe both?

If anyone has any ideas or suggestions, I am totallly open. This is a creek I've never swam in before, and I'm looking for anything I can find LOL

Thankyou again, and God Bless Us.... Everyone!!!

Dawn

Don't know much about this site yet so if you can sendme amessage and not a reply that would be easier!! I think i can relate to you alot, i am intelligent, pretty normal , just really struggle with mental health. Maybe we can talk more.

Just joined the group today jusyt trying to find people i can relate to , so i can learn from them and they can learn from me.

See Ya