Hello

A friend suggested this site as it helped him take stock of what he was going through. I am not really sure what I am asking. I don’t think there is anything wrong with me, I am who I am, but friends and family all comment on ‘who’ I am like there is something wrong.

John (my friend) suggested I list all the things that people have commented on over the years and then write them here with some elaboration:

Lying: I do lie a lot. Not to get out of a bad situation, it can just be about what I have done that day. It just sort of happens and I don’t realise until I have said it, if someone asks me what I have done that day I give them a story that has very little bearing on what really happened. I do seem to be good at this though as people almost always believe me – I will admit that even I get confused sometimes and that is how I am caught out.

No drive: this one I don’t think is really the case, I have a lot of drive until something becomes boring. I have accrued a lot of debt over the last few years on hobbies. I find something I am interested in and then go all guns blazing in re-searching, understanding, analysing and absorbing a subject. Once I have learnt all I can/want I tend to get bored very fast.
- Something John wanted me to add was that I spend nearly all day at work searching the internet about anything with no care of what my boss thinks. When I am at home I will sit and watch TV for hours on end. I don’t really go out all the much apart from to go shopping, taking the dogs for walks etc.

Answering every question: All my work colleagues think one of two things 1 that I am a know it all or 2 that I know a little about a lot. In essence people always come to me first for an answer and if they don’t I’ll answer first anyway. I do tend to hold a lot of information in my head but John thinks that I make a lot of it up. I don’t think I am making things up, I am just using the knowledge that I have to come to a reasonable and logical outcome - He has a problem when I pass that outcome on as a ‘fact’ – Even if I am right most of the time anyway.

Give but don’t take: People come to me a lot for advice, annoyingly for emotional help. I don’t really understand what people are talking about most of the time but give them some ‘airy fairy’ advice that always seems to help them. I pull most of the advice out of a hat because I don’t actually understand their problem.

Lack of emotional depth: This is actually something my mother said to me once, that I am emotionally shallow. I wasn’t sure what she meant when she said it and I am not all that sure now. I think that she thinks I don’t care about anything… Well I do but not a whole lot. I live to the idea of ‘If I can not change it, don’t worry about it. If I can change it then do it. But don’t worry about things that haven’t happened yet, as it may never happen anyway.’ I don’t see why I should have to care about everybody else when they don’t care about me, but that’s my way of looking at things.

Anger: I do get angry easy but I don’t let it show, although I say anger its not really anger that I feel but rage. I am fortunate enough to be able to control what my body is doing when I get this rage or all hell would break loose. My boss has commented on this before when someone was talking to me she noticed my fist clenching and opening. The person who was talking down to me actually got sacked because of what he was saying but my boss wouldn’t stop asking me if I was ok for a couple of weeks after. She was worried because she said that I should have got upset, I should have got angry, but I didn’t show anything. I just stood there and took what this guy had to say and then smiled at him and sat down to carry on surfing the net. I must admit that the thoughts that ran through my head where akin to scenes from the film ‘devils rejects’ but I didn’t feel anything at the time at all. This is a re-occurring theme, when I should get angry by other peoples standard I get filled with rage and I kind of blank off to the situation and reel scenes inside my head of all the things I could do.

No grudges or remorse: A teacher once asked me what I felt after I was raped as a child (once when I was 12 and again when I was 13) and honest to this day I don’t feel anything towards the person. He did what he did and it was over. Before anyone says that this is what has caused me to be who I am today, it is not the case, I was ‘like this’ before I was raped. My teacher couldn’t understand how I couldn’t hate this person but it hadn’t entered my head until then that I should?
I also don’t feel remorse for what I have done. As far as I am concerned if I lie, if I cheat, if I annoy someone and it gets found out then that is just water under the bridge. People should not be so quick to judge and hold a grudge against those that do not hold one against them for the very same thing they are accusing me. Like me or don’t, I really couldn’t care but I am who I am.

One thing that always annoyed my dad was my views about hunting. Eating meat I have no problem with but then I catch my own. I know that the animal has been dispatched quickly and as painlessly as possible. One thing that engages me and makes my blood boil is animal cruelty, people who abuse animals should have the same treatment as punishment – i.e you beat a dog for a year then you should have it in return, you set an animal of fire you should be set on fire. There is no excuse in my book for inflicting pain on animals, if you choose to eat them make sure they are dispatched with NO pain. This annoyed my dad because he hunted with Bows, but he didn’t like it when he got an arrow in his leg – and I bet the deer don’t either. He never annoyed me enough to put one through his chest but I guess he certainly wouldn’t like that.
- People are no different in my book. Your punishment should be the exact same thing that you committed, but then the punisher would be committing the same crime so it wouldn’t be a feasible solution to the problem of the human condition. Simple solution would be to stick them all together in the same walled area and let them defend for themselves.

Sex – I don’t really see the point in it. Of course it was part of my last relationship but it isn’t something that really drives me. I have tried most types of exploration (except the ones that would land me in jail of course) and never found anything that was of any interest, it just is, take it or leave it.

I do tend to feel rather alienated by other people, their actions and re-actions, their behaviours and way of interacting seem strange sometimes.

But I suppose the last should be the one that most people have mentioned:
I don’t appear to feel. I don’t truly understand what people mean but people have said that I appear to copy what I see rather than actually feeling the appropriate feeling. For instance my ex said that when I said I loved her she could never say she knew I felt it. It was more like I was saying it because I should. Watching a gory film, seeing pictures of war victims, reading news stories etc do not make me feel anything. She would get upset, cry, get angry etc and one of the reasons we split up was because she said I wasn’t able to feel.

I don’t know what John thinks I will gain from writing all this, he said that if I know what is wrong with me I can take the action I need to take to ‘make me better.’

Thank you for reading.

Ash

Hi Ash!

Welcome to NT! Wow, you did have lots to write, and it's certainly lots to sink in John must really care about you to have sent you here You will find some sympathetic ears and a great group of supportive people.

I guess the real question is this....after listing all this down, are these things about you that you'd like to work on and change and gain awareness over?

I want to add: yes, I do have some ideas about what it is that you have written. Just want to know if it's something you'd like to hear or if knowing is more for those around you? I also want to share a link with you.

I noticed you are in the UK. I'm aware that in Scotland, there is a new public service awareness about emotional health. Here is the link of the new campaign. I like this campaign as it really speaks to the everday person.

http://www.seemescotland.org.uk/

Sometimes, when we are living through it, it's tough to see what's happening. You are fortunate to have supportive people in your life, who are accepting of you, yet concerned enough to try to guide you.

Whatever it is that you are going through, just know that with a little elbow grease and great support--which you have ....you'll get through this