Yesterday went to my local drop in centre when it opened at 10.00 and stayed till it closed at 3.30. Had had no sleep because my head was in such a bad place.

Not long after i get back there's a hard knock on front door.I ignore it because i just can't be ****** to answer it but keeps knocking so i reluctantly answer.
Man from council on door telling me the two floors below me have got flooding.
So i go into my bathroom to find bathroom sink full to brim and floor soaked.
I'd forgot to make sure bathroom sink tap tigh tly switched off and combo of slow drip of tap and slow for water to go down sink meant that place had flooded.


Not a good day .Then my mother phones minutes after man has left from fixing sink and wants me to do her online grocery shop. My head head is in f****ville
but i know she will go into one SO with my head full of ANXIETY and paranoia cos of the flooding etc and wanting baically to crash out i'm taking down this long shopping list.

The thought of xmas is depressing the hell out o f me .Choice between staying at home or going to my mother's to spend xmas day with her and my brother.
My brother often goes to her place for xmas period and it invariably ends up with major fallout either on xmas day or day or too before.
Things are not looking promising on that front because he's already stressed to the max running around after her while she gives out her orders from the bedroom and nags him to pieces.
Alternative is to stay home and have a 'drink myself into oblivion xmas'.
On Monday i'll be going round to her's cos brothers got to ort out stuff urgently at his place.Whether i feel up to it doesn't come into the equation as
my mother will only take it out on him when he gets back if he goes up to London and there's no one to dance attendance.

Hey, ((((((Tim))))))

I don't want to pry -- OK, yes I do -- isn't this the first time that you've let us know "about" you?? (I'm referring to your signature.)

It's hard living with a personality disorder, isn't it. My ex-husband could never understand how I could stand being alone after the divorce. He hated being alone. It doesn't bother me at all -- I actually prefer it.

My older brother (who's been married for just over 47 years) says that he can't stand being around people because he "picks up on" (AKA "feels") what other people are feeling. He claims that he can feel other's headaches and says that he could feel the pain when his son broke his ankle. I think he's weird ;but, interesting. Maybe he's right

You know, Tim, we who have struggled so hard to grow up and survive have earned the right to have our lives the way that we want them to be. I'm retired now, but, when I was working, if I were sick, I would take the day off. Took me a long time to not feel guilty about it.

Apparently, your family has "issues" around holidays -- doesn't everybody's Instead of doing the whole "Christmas Thing" on the actual Christmas Day, would it be easier for you to spend another time -- like Christmas Eve or the weekend before or the weekend after?? If you control the time and the length of the stay, would it make it more tolerable??

You gotta stop freakin' out so much about the flooding the place. I think it's The Universe's way of getting the floors washed After all, you didn't stuff toilet paper down the drain so it wouldn't empty properly -- did you?? I know you didn't. That means "IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT".

Try to enjoy the blessings that you have sugar. I was just thinking that the day before yesterday was the 29th anniversary of my Dad's passing. I can't believe it's been so long I'd give anything to be able to spend some time with my Mom and Dad again.

Try to arrange your days the way that YOU want them and see if it helps. You've got TONS of support you know (even if you don't hear from us all the time). BIG HUGS.

Barb

Thanks for reply Barb,
Yes you are right it is first time i've let ''you'' know about me.I don't find it easy to do that kind of thing ie it doesn't come naturally and i'm rather wary.
At the moment i am non specifically 'personality disordered' ie they haven't told me what kind though i would admit personally to having elements of avoidant/borderline/paranoid/schizotypal with some cognitive ie organisational/step wise problem solving etc added to the mix. Keep meaning to pin my pdoc down because for curiosity's sake i'd like to know as maybe knowing would make me less prone to bouts of 'There's not much wrong with you you're just an inadequate so and so'.

((((((Tim)))))),

NOT inadequate -- UNIQUE -- big difference.

I saw this today -- thought you'd get a kick out of it -- 'cause of the water 'theme' :

I just found this website this morning. She's funny. I like to read other people's journals: http://infinitepink.com/wp/?page_id=1371 That's where I found the quote.

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder about 30 years ago. That's the diagnosis from 7734 -- can't get any psychiatrist to work with me anymore. I guess I've gotten all the 'professional support' I'm gonna get; the rest is up to me

Have a good day. Hugs.

Barb

Tim and Barb --- I had to laugh like mad at "the Universe's way of getting the floors clean", because that's how I looked at it!!!

I seem to remember telling about the sugar and eggs falling off the fridge that time ... and once the kitchen sink overflowing (not a drip, either).. both in the same rent house, both within a span of a few months to a year.

and for that matter, in one of our homes, we TWICE had our hot water tank break (the inner glass liner), and once a broken water line to the ice-maker --- I gotta tell you, waking up to a lake your house 3 times in less than 5 years is a REAL TRIP!!

And I second what Barb was talking about concerning the Xmas stuff with your "family".

DO plan to spend some other day --- MANY families do the "weekend previous" for the togetherness thing, then Christmas Day as they wish... Or Christmas Eve for dinner and gifts - arrive about 4pm (after 3, anyway).

Or I saw an advice columnist suggest, just this week, that a woman and her sons tell her parents that they made other plans for the rest of the day, but would come by for a Christmas breakfast to have coffee (and something they could carry over) when they could exchange gifts. After a pre-ordained time, you take your leave.

I have thought of scouting out shelters or charities in a nearby city that might be hosting Christmas Dinner for the homeless or the living alone. (they are often on a separate day, not actually Xmas). Welcoming others, smiling, rubbing elbows in the serving line with people like me - people who would otherwise be sitting home alone. It would get my mind off the fact of being alone, for I have only been grudgingly accepted at "family events" for years. I will have to start a thread about the psychological underpinnings, the REASON families need their scapegoats.

Of course, even if I end up staying home again, it no longer bothers me or saddens me in the least .. and I don't even get drunk. I smile and am happy that I am not trying to smile and pretend I have a warm loving family when not ONE of them is truly capable of loving anyone - not even themselves.

If I want, I can roast that turkey (they are still 79cents a pound to 1.09/pound at the local market) stuffed and stuffed and stuffed with sage dressing full of thinly sliced and blanched celery. And if the turkey is not injected with broth, I "self baste" by taking every last bit of fat and inserting it under the breast skin.

Then cranberries, freshly made. and I make the BEST turkey gravy. I am totally awesome (even if I can't fly! ).... then when the turkey cools, I strip the carcass, bagging the meat in freezer bags, the white meat ready for sandwiches and the dark and small pieces for casseroles. There is NOTHING in the world like turkey tetrazinni!!!

So within an hour, there is no big bird to wedge, always inadequately covered, into the fridge. I used to do at least 3 turkeys a year.

Movie theatres are open Christmas afternoon and they do a booming business that day.... but I hate attending movies alone.

Forgive me so for rattling on and on.... especially since I will probably have a Marie Callendar turkey pot pie.... a homemade pumpkin pie. And maybe even a bottle of champagne or a nice white... But not too much alcohol - that is only good for ensuring the blues and depression. But I will be happy - as happy as I can be - by sitting here at the keyboard, keeping people company. Actually, as usually happens, forgetting totally what day it is. Wondering where everyone else is.

I have tried to find, in years past, someone else in this small town who was going to be alone at Xmas - or even Thanksgiving. But EVERYONE said they would be with family. How can that be? I KNOW there are more screwed up families than you can shake a stick at.... so that means that people choose to be miserable and unsatisfied and all stressed ----->>>> so they can maintain the fantasy of "our family".

I'd much rather be here. So stop by and say hi
Teri