I rarely post; I like to observe from afar. But I've hit a point today where I just need to vent, or whine, or something--and to people who understand.

This afternoon at work, I had a terrible scare. My job entails keeping track of various data files (sent in from all over the world), always being aware of version control, and making sure all necessary parties have the most up-to-date files. Well, today I started to work on some files, but my 77-year-old colleague insisted that I had already worked on these files Monday, and that they were impossible to complete (this is a complex system where I magically change DOS, yes, DOS (ca. 1987) into PDFs), because the files would not process correctly. I had no recollection of this, and admonished my co-worker saying that I would most certainly remember working on these files (in Italian), searching for unfindable errors together for almost 45 minutes, and giving up on them because they wouldn't convert into PDFs.

So I begin to search through my files, and lo and behold...there they were, time stamped September 14, 2009. And, I tried to process the files once more, and sure enough, they wouldn't convert.

Folks...I didn't just forget doing this for over 2 hours...I couldn't REMEMBER ever doing this. Even when "retracing" my steps, I have NO recollection of going through the process and working on these files. I'm only 30. My mind and memory are the basis of everything I currently do, and everything I hope to do (professionally) in my future. What do I do if my thinking is starting to slip? If things are getting this challenging now, how am I going to be in 10, 20, 30 years from now?

I plow through the physical symptoms every day--pain, numbness, tingling, even word drop. How am I supposed to thrive in my profession if my mind starts to go? My septagenarian bosses are as sharp as tacks, and I feel like I'm slipping. To make it even more of a burden...I haven't disclosed at work. I'm just so frustrated, because I end up looking like an idiot, or seeming moody.

I just needed to vent. Sometimes just seeing your words on the screen, well, sometimes that even helps.

Thanks for the "ears."

I really feel for you AH - that must have been really really unsettling and scary.

Would there be any implications of you disclosing, other than your collegues understanding your situation more?

Perhaps when your 70-something bosses are at home with their familes, away from that work environment, they too worry about if they can keep up, but for different reasons.

I have had those events. I worked as a paramedic for decades! I know every ambulance style, and compartment layout like I know my childs name when he mis behaves. I can tell you where to find exactly what I am looking for and which compartment, and left or right...At a not so big emergency, I send my runner who was new to the rig to get O2. not some obsure thing, for crying out loud it was O2! he said..."where is that located on your rig?" I drew a complete blank. I couldnt for the life of me remember where the O2 is kept on an ambulance! I did have sense enough to tag another runner on the scene, and asked him to show the new guy where the stuff lives on the rig. It scared the snot out of me! Folks lives are in my hands, and I cant remember where the O2 is??!

Sometimes we can get so stressed, and so head down, and into the wind that we zip by our projects, and tasks, and we look up and we were in remote control.

At least you had your work finished. It would be stinky to show up and find that you never did it to start with. Much easier to find its complete.

It's scary when that happens. But like Dej said....."sometimes we can get so stressed, and so head down, and into the wind that we zip by our projects, and tasks, and we look up and we were in remote control".

Have you ever driven somewhere and when you got there thought "I don't remember a thing about driving here". We're so engrossed in our thoughts that it's like the current activities aren't "recorded". Or we're so focused on another event that we don't concentrate on the present.

Sometimes overthinking about it can cause it to get worse. It's hard not to think about when you're worried about it. I'd make a few notes about it.....like the date it happened and what the circumstances were. This way, if it ever happens again, you can refer back to your notes and compare them.

I have been forced to make little notes on everything if I expect to know what I did 5 minutes from now or even 30 seconds for that matter.

I won't bore you with everything, but I was where you are now not too long ago. Someone very wise here at NT helped me realize that we can know longer expect to be able to just barrel our way through things like we use to. Try not to be hard on yourself. But like kitty suggested, try make adjustments like making notes, to make your life go smoother for you.

Before I even knew I had ms, in my 20's I started have to tape sticky notes around the strap of my purse if I was going to remember to do things when I got home from work that I thought of during the work day. It made my life so much easier when I just accepted it and found ways to cope.

I wish you so much comfort and hope things ease up for you!!!!!!!

I'm glad you posted! You're not alone and we certainly do understand. What happened is scary!

We're with you.

Niko

MS means being NI - Neurologically Impaired. Ironically (?) I was a teacher of Emotionally Disturbed kids, many with secondary classifications of NI. No Short Term Memory (STM) is often part of that. You need to actively use strategies to help your short term memory. I like a Sensory approach. Designate a note book to writing down what you do (Kinetic), reread when necessary (visual), tell yourself what you did (auditory)(I do this, talking out loud about taking my morning meds, leave a visual clue by having my afternoon ones out separated from them, and visible so I know if I see them but not my AM ones, I took them. I follow a routine very seriously in that and all things (same go to and get up times for sleep make me a consistent sleeper) and keep awareness up of your potential for forgetting. Don't forget you forget!!!! Helps me. Now I kind of get it. Think I'd be a better teacher now I "get" it.

(((((((((((((((AaHaA))))))))))))

I have a lot of problems with my memory and its truly scary when it happens at work. I don't have a complex, multi-lingual job, but I am a secretary/personal assistant for the Sr. Partner in a law firm, so accuracy, etc., is very important.

I go though periods of extreme forgetfulness just like you did, where I completely forget something. Its not like a few years ago (before dx) where I'd forget something, but eventually have a vague recollection and even finally remember more. It's as if someone else did the thing! I can't distinguish if something I do remember happened yesterday, a week ago, or if it really happened all and I am recalling a dream I had!

I can deal with the pain (sort of), and I'll cope with numbness and all the other MS crud, but I HATE the stuff it does to my head!
I use all the memory devices at my disposal: daytimers, calendars, tickler files, computerized reminders, alarms. I have at least 6 note pads on my desk and jot down everything, that way I can always refer back to my notes. Only now I'm finding I don't remember to write things down anymore (LOL-what else can you do!).

Your kind responses were just what I needed. Sometimes you just really have to get that confirmation that you aren't alone, and that yes, this stuff IS a big deal. Non-MS people are so quick to say, "Oh, we all forget sometimes," but the truth is , I KNOW myself, and I know what's normal and what's not.

Long story, short...Thanks everyone. I just needed to vent, and have some babying!

I trust everyone will have a great weekend!

All best,

AaHaA