[RedPenguins]

Hi everyone,

So, I'm not getting any younger (and I feel really old even though rationally I am only 33)... I also have MS and my future seems so rocky and unsure lately.

I really want to have children and don't want to wait much longer. But - I feel REALLY selfish deciding to have children when I am "sick" and don't know what the future holds for me.

Yes, I know that no one knows what the future holds - but with MS, as we know, anything can happen, and chances are - bad things might happen.

I might be really jaded because I grew up with a sick mother (had cancer when I was 9 yrs old - and was sick for 10 years before she died). I HATED having a sick mother - it really sucked. I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone. So - how can I, in good conscience, decide to have children?

Anyone out there thinking about these things? Anyone decide to have children even though they knew they had MS?

Thanks,

Keri

[Friend2U]

I wish I had answers for you. I had two children when I was 20 and 22. Then I had two more children when I was 30 and 32. I did have some health problems going on when I had those last two, but didn't know it was ms. I could have been dx then had I pursued my issues with the right doctors. But then I wonder if I was meant to not know about the ms until they were almost raised.

My four kids have all felt the worries and pressures of having a mom who didn't feel well for all these years... and a dad who had cancer. But I can tell you that whether it is ms, cancer, or something else....no one knows what tomorrow will bring. And heartache is a part of everyone's life. Everyone has there own struggles to deal with eventually.

Do you have a close family to help you out? People you know you can depend on? I know what the yearning of wanting children is like. I would not give any of mine back even if it were to save them from hurt and heartache. I believe they have many more positives experiences with me than the negatives. and believe me they have been through a lot over the years.

Now, having said that... I have been fortunate to have a supportive family, not that I gave my obligations over to them. I didn't. But they were there when times were really hard for support and help and different ways.

I haven't given an answer and have none to give. But I know what you are feeling and hope someone else can give you a better answer.
Hugs, A Friend

[CarolM]

Hi Keri,

I think there are a lot of variables to consider. If you are well off financially and can afford help around the house if you need it, that would be huge. Supportive family is also huge. Doting Grandparents, for instance. Does your husband want kids? Is he the kind that will pick up the slack if you need him to?

I think your attitude is very important. If you have a positive attitude and can be there emotionally for your children and offer guidance and support, even if you can't always be physically active, that counts for a lot. All kids need a cheering section.

Even though I had my kids long before MS came into the picture, I've always been heat intolerant. When they had outdoor activities that involved sun and heat, I would find someone else to take them and/or I would trade off for something else. They never missed out because of me. (They hung out with their father more in the summer!)

My mother has MS but managed to work and raise a family. She's 81 now and uses a walker but she was able to babysit my kids when they were young. I'm rather glad she decided to have kids in spite of MS! My kids are probably glad that I did too, even though I didn't know that I would end up with MS as well.

I still work and run around after my own grandchildren now.

C

[Erin524]

I want to have kids too someday, but being realistic that I probably wont ever have any. I'm 40. My boyfriend isnt interested in having kids with me...and I have the evil MS to deal with.

I think if I were to accidentally end up with a kid, I'd be ok with it tho...I'd probably have to have help with it, but I think it would be ok.

My big problem with having kids is that I've never taken care of a kid, apart from watching a relative's kid for an hour or two. I can count on one hand the number of times I've changed a diaper, and I'd have 5 fingers left over.

I wouldnt know how to take care of a baby, much less raise one. I couldnt even handle a puppy. (granted, I was allergic to the puppy, and beginning an annoying exacerbation at the time)

[Snoopy]

Hi, Keri.

I had both my children after I was dx'd, my son is now 19 and in his 2nd year of college, my daughter is 17 and a senior in High School.

My children are compassionate and caring young people who have helped me when needed. My son did the MS walk this past spring and wrote I was his hero. My daughter did a report on MS for one of her classes last year.

Both of my children can and have expained to their peers as well as adults about MS.

I have never been sorry about having MS and deciding to have children. Sometimes I think it's because of them that I have been able to live like there is nothing wrong as my focus is more about them than me.

Children can be amazing and adaptable.

It's your personal decision to have or not have children and I wish you all the best in whatever you decide.

Erin - Parenthood is on the job training with mistakes made along the way but willing to do the best you can. Babies/children do not come with owner manuels, you wing it most of the time

[Dejibo]

I have one natural child, and had him long before any sickness cropped up. I have one adopted, and she was simply grateful to have a place to call home. I was dx with breast cancer in 91, and that was when he was 9 years old. it was very hard on him, and he worried alot about his mommy. I tried very hard to keep adult things, between the adults. A divorce when he was younger took a chunk out of him, and a drunk daddy took another bite. After the dx of cancer, I made sure to really work hard at putting a foundation under him. I had him see a counselor, and made sure that he had tons of involvments if he wanted them. Baseball, fishing, hiking, camping, boy scouts (he made eagle) and loads of firm, stable male influences other than his daddy. I was impressed when at 14 he rescued a young girl from school. Dragged her home, and was caretaking her for a while before he revealed her. Told me he knew what it was like to watch others struggle, and he couldnt stand by and watch her do it, when it was so easy to be helpful. (I was so proud!) We adopted the girl.

btw the my son graduated with honors and went on to be a proud Marine who continues his education while inside. My adopted daughter went on to get her masters in finance and has reconciled with her estranged mother. Both are caring, sensitive, and amazing kids. I think the hard knocks on the road made them stronger. its hard to decide if you will help them over the hump or sheild them from the hump. I think the humps helped mine grow.

anyway, my point is there are many many many bumps and bruises on the road of life. Whether its that mommy has MS, or that mommy has self esteem issues because she has acne scars and feels like she is ugly compared to the other mommies. Some mommies are shy, and some are aggressive and in your face. The best thing you can do if you chose to have children is ...to just be yourself. Yes, it sucks to have a sick mommy, but sometimes it sucks to have a well mommy with a bad attitude. Yes, it sucks to worry about mommy, but it also sucks to have a mommy that is more concerned with her b/fs or g/fs or job than her child.

I think you would be a great mommy BECAUSE you have MS. Because you know what its like to struggle, and have hope. Because you know what its like to feel left out, left behind, on your own. Because you know what its like to battle demons. I think that ADDS to your resume in asking for the position.

Whether you chose to have a child of your own, or rescue one from the social services system, or one of both, I think you will do just fine. You are taking the time to ask these questions before little suzy or sammy get here. That is the mark of a mature, person who is ready to take on the challenge.

I think you will do awesome! go forth and multipy!

[FinLady]

Originally Posted by Snoopy

Children can be amazing and adaptable.

It's your personal decision to have or not have children and I wish you all the best in whatever you decide.

Snoopy's right on both counts.

My mom had MS when she gave birth to me. It was just part and parcel of our family to deal with it to me. Did have my moments sometimes, but with humor and love managed to adapt.

Hubby and I had a long talk about kids. We were just getting serious about this when the DX year hit. He's got a few auto-immune diseases in his family, and mine has almost all of them But that wasn't the main reason for us deciding to not do it. He didn't like the 1/3 chance of me going into a bad flare after birth.

My paternal grandmother also had MS, and was paralyzed for three months after my dad was born. My grandfather irrationally blamed him for it, and it put a strain on their relationship forever. My hubby is afraid he would be the same way. After what seeing happened in my own family, can definitely respect that.

On a side note - out of all the family, I'm the only other one with MS. So it's definitely not a certainty that the kids will get it.

(((HUGS))) and best of luck whatever you decide.

[gonnamakeit]

There have been some very good thoughts here for you to consider.

My question for you is whether the treatments that you are receiving from JH could be detrimental for a fetus. The program seems to be rather toxic and perhaps you should be asking your docs at the hospital what they recommend.

Both of my sons were born before I was diagnosed. They were only three and 6 months old at the time and it would have been very difficult for me to have raised them without my devoted husband who took 90% of the responsibility of caring for them. My life today would be in the pits without my sons and I am very thankful that I have them.



gmi

[Jodylee]

I have given a lot of thought to this even though my kids were born long before I was dx'd. I can't imagine my life without my sons . I wouldn't go back and change a thing when comes to having my boys (they're 22 and 18).

My youngest has Crohn's disease and so does my husband. I know that the illnesses in our family have caused much hardship but they have also made my kids much more empathetic. Kids are very resilient . I think you would be a great mom ! If you are financially secure enough to afford some help that would be great. I know from your past postings that you don't have much family support but you do have good friends, right? Have you talked with them about this? You have a god son, I think? Maybe talk to his mom or dad. This is a tough decision but i'm sure you'll make the right one for you

[Kitty]

I had both my children when I was young (pre MS). I was 22 and 26 when they were born. I'm 48 now. I was dx at 44.

My kids had a nice childhood. They didn't get everything they wanted but they did have everything they needed.

My kids were compassionate people before I was dx but I think that (my illness) has played a major part in their attitude towards all folks in general. Well, that and a few other "life experiences" they've had forced on them.

Adversity makes you stronger (IMO). Having everything just perfect in your life all the time tends to make for a selfish, uncaring and self-absorbed individual. We all need to learn how to accept others no matter what their "imperfection" might be.