Im so sorry to do this again, and so soon to boot! I started a new med, and I thought it was working, but no, I was wrong, again! My pain is off the charts the past few days and the meds are not working! My spastisity and nerve pain are making me miserable. I can only get maybe 1-2 hours of sleep at a time before the pain will wake me from a drug induced sleep.

Ive got spasms going from mythigh to my shin to my ankle into my foot, a muscle in my forearm is permanently tight and constantly in pain, my hands are constantly trying to curl into fists on me, my hands are in extreme pain from nerve pain and so many places are a painful numb (if that even makes sense!) Ive been taking lortab's for the pain, taking topamax for the nerve pain and baclofen and tizanadine for the spasms.

Dear God, bless my mini pharmacy and please help it work! Im getting worse rather than better. My walking is worse. My hand writing is way worse than ever. Half the time, my brain can tell my hand I want to write something, but the signal to actually do the writing doesnt come across and all I can do is hit the pen on the paper, and then my dh has to do the writing .

I am having extreme difficulty talking. I am stuttering, forgetting how to say words. DH and I play a kind of cheraids so he can figure out what the heck Im trying to say to him. OH, and talking on the phone to my dd is a trip. You ever play cheraids over the phone?? DH has to get in on it so he can tell her what Im trying to say to her!

Im finding myself not caring too much what happens to me from day to day anymore. DH says "dont you want to fight this anymore?" and I say no, not really. 21 yrs of fighting, Im kinda tired. I need a smack of reality or something. I know I have alot to live for, but Im having a hard time seeing it right now. I have a huge family, lots of aunts and uncles, 3 kids and tons of cousins and the only ones who are concerned about me? My dh and one dd.

Thats it... no one else. Not that they are not important, thats not what Im saying at all! I go to bed each night telling God that if He sees fit to take me tonight, I wont fight Him. For those questioning, YES, Im on anti depressants. They were just upped a few months ago at my recent dr appt.

I know there's folks that have had this longer than me, and worse. I think Im in a funk, and I just cant crawl out. I guess Im looking to my MS family for help. I get like this at times, and I need the eyes and hope of others that I have misplaced of my own. Thanx for being here and listening.