I can't believe how much healthier I am since I got my SSD and didn't have the worries of work and financial things. Granted, SSD was only about 40% of my salary but I knew it would be there every month. I could then concentrate on helping ME!!!

What makes you think it is fact the person cannot see the pain they are inflicting on others? Of course they do. However the despair is so great that they do it anyways.

Hi Eric

You are probably right - I guess I would just like to think that. I have never been in that dark a place - I have only seen the devastation that comes with the aftermath. Somehow it seems easier to cope with that way.

Whichever way it goes - I think the final decision goes beyond rational choice - and their pain is their primary focus, and indeed, sometimes it is a very vengeful thing.

EricP-- I should probably be using a cane at least. My doctor has written on all my stuff to send a wheelchair down for me, but I refuse it.

I feel (which is probably kinda crazy) that a device will enable this disease to take over. I use what I can. The walls, countertops, and love being barefoot because I can dig my toes into the ground when I am losing the balance (my feet are numb anyways so I can walk on any surface without it bothering me).


My neuro thinks that I am having seizures, so that's why I was researching it. Since I can't see a doc for a while, I want to have things ready to discuss with a new neuro when that time comes.

Since I have been out of work, my fatigue isn't AS bad. It's still there everyday, but not as bad as when I was working 10-6, going home and going straight to bed.

I was hoping the progression would slow down being out of work, but it just keeps on going.

When I was dxd 4 years ago I couldn't walk at all, I had no function to my right side, no use of my hand or leg on that side. Couldn't see out of my right eye. Vertigo so bad I was throwing up everyday for hours. Peeing myself cuz I couldn't get to the bathroom quick enough. Losing control of my bowls at work. That has improved since then, so I do understand this disease takes breaks and some areas can heal.

But while those areas healed, the disease decided to work on other areas of my CNS. So now I have difficulties with both sides.

I have aspirated on my beverages so many times. The last time I didn't think I was going to make it. It was at work and scared everyone because I had been without oxygen for so long I was turning blue. I couldn't breathe, not even a forced breath. Vision started to go out. It was pretty scary. My manager started to call an ambulance and at that moment (I must have bent forward or something) all the water I had inhaled rushed out of my nose and mouth. Had 5 full grown men in tears. They were pretty scared by this as well.

My memory seems to be getting worse by the day. I have been so good with my directions since I was a kid. We were on our way out to my mom yesterday and I couldn't seem to figure out how to tell my boyfriend how to get out there. It was a bothersome situation. I have know where my mom lives for 15 years and 6 different ways of getting out there but was so confused on where I was. Definitely slippin.

My cousin did take his life. While I know it was selfish, I cannot be mad at him. It hurts me so much that he was in such a dark, scary, cold, lonely place.

You have been fortunate Lynn to have never been in this place before.

Some people can pull themselves out of it, while others find the only way out is to end things. Imagine how horrible of a feeling that would be.

He was a compassionate, kind, caring soul that had love for everyone around him, he just forgot to give himself the love too.

AynaDee, so sorry to hear that your cousin was in so much pain that he felt leaving would be better...
i HAVE been in that place...it's not that you don't know you'll cause loved ones pain...it's that you feel they'd be better off with you gone. I know it's irrational, but when you are in such despair, and feel that there is no way out (another irrational thought, I know), then death seems like the only choice.

I hope that you understand that he was trying to end the horrible suffering he was experiencing...:hug::hug:

Thanks Debbie. thats what hurts the most.. Was that he was that deep into despair. We shouldve all been there for him and shown him the love he needed.

My heart will always have a huge chunk missing. Everytime I would see him the very first thing to come out of his mouth was "Ana, how are you feelin?" Normally I hate when people ask me that, its like theyre obligated, but with him you could hear the compassion and concern in his voice.

Things will never be the same. My heart will always hurt for him. Im glad he left me with the memories, but id rather him be walkin this earth with us.

It just sucks to think of how sad and lonely he was to make such a decision :(

Hi Ayna Dee

I am so very sorry for your loss - I hope that you didn't think I was being insensitive in any way - either regarding your loss, or your health.

I am hearing the pain in your post, and feel terrible for you.

No need to feel terrible for me Lyn, we're all fighting the same battle.. :hug:

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your cousin. :( I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

MS is such a funny disease. It can be real active for a while and then slow down and then pick back up again. It's so unpredictable and you just never know what's coming next or what symptom is going to start up or stop.

Sometimes our brains rewire themselves and we're able to do things "normally". My right hand is severely impaired. According to testing, I should not be able to use it for much of anything. Apparently, I am 97% impaired with my right hand and I'm right-hand dominant. :eek: However, I use it just like a normal person for the most part - when the tremors are bad I can't do some tasks. So I do believe that our brains can rewire some things.

You have really had a tough time with your MS and I'm so sorry. I feel bad as you are so young, only a couple of years older than my daughters. I know this must be so hard on you being so young. I can only imagine what my girls would be going through at 23 and almost 22 and having MS. It saddens me to think of what you must be going through right now. I hope that once you get in to the new neuro they are able to help you so that maybe they can slow down the progression.

Hang in there Anya!:hug::hug:

I have a special knowledge of your feelings Ayna, since my Dear
Cousin, also took his own life. I loved him dearly and wish I had
talked to him about his pain, but, at the time, felt that I would
be intruding on his privacy. He should have known that I/we
were behind him.:(:(:(