I am currently in 'Limbo' state for something discovered during my annual and routine ultra sound and pap smear.

As some may be aware, my mom passed on from Ovarian Cancer, back in 2010. Because of being a first generation blood relative, I have received yearly ultra sounds.

This year, not only was a cyst discovered, but a mark, that went right through the cyst, on my right ovary. ((I will attach a hand drawn diagram, to better explain what I mean.--drew it to show my boys' father))

My OBGYN mentioned that it is concerning, doesn't look like the aggressive stage 3 cell, nor is this being fed any blood nor oxygen, which the ultra sound machine can detect. However, it was mentioned, one of three things. Cancer, Borderline Cancer or a Benign growth/tumor. It's about 2cm and he mentioned that usually, when women do present with symptoms, etc, it's usually about 5cm. Keep in mind, I went in a healthy patient, for a routine pap and came out with the possibility of having cancer.

I am scheduled for a two week follow up, ultra sound, that will bring me to July 9th. He and I have already had a follow up discussion, via phone, because he wanted me to think long and hard about what my plan was for having more children. At 38, I am done, I don't have any prospects and frankly, I never wanted to have children in my 40's, hence late 20's/very early 30's. I feel like I just finished diaper duty, if that makes sense, I went 8 years straight doing that.

The discussion of a total hyst with ovary removal((haven't discussed cervix, please god, let's at least keep that, right?)) I am prepared/braced/informed about the immediate, full blown menopause, if I do end up with this. He will perform the laproscopic (sp?) hyst.

I had my CA-125 bllod drawn, am awaiting results. Due to the complications with the whole insurance thing, it will turn out, surgery first, then BRCA second. Which is fine by me. If the BRCA is a positive, then I've got breast cancer to wonder and worry about. If negative, then pulling the hyst wouldn't be covered and with a family history of ovarian cancer, with it being as deadly as it is, with having three young boys, and just knowing this thing has grown inside of me from one year to the next...the hyst would be more along the lines as preventative, not elective(which of course, I could say no, but um...I'm not chancing that, after seeing my mom live only 15 months post diagnosis)

On a more emotional note, this roller coaster ride is so much worse, yet there's similarities to the shock of the MS diagnosis, where every little ache and pain becomes suspect and just the worrying about the future. With MS, more worry about what could be disability wise, and with this more I want to see my children grow up and they deserve their mom around.

My OBGYN, recommends not driving myself crazy with wonder, it's just some moments are just stronger than others. This evening, just being one of those stronger moments of sadness, grief, and recognition of mortality.

I realize it's not the aggressive form my mom had, yet, some moments are reliving that pain of losing her. Some moments are filled with I want to kick some butt with this illness, and take that uterus and those ovaries out of my body and let's not let this form of cancer get me, type of moments. Some moments are psyching myself up for some major hot flashes, temperamental moments, night sweats, scoping out where I can find myself some good neighborhood pools to jump in---even the kiddie ones...the more light hearted moments too.

And also, deep down, curious to see, what, if anything, menopause will bring for my MS. All these things and more.

Anyone know of any cancer support groups to join? I've already been shown the way to hystersisters, for that aspect.