I don't even know why I'm writing this. I don't know what's wrong with me. Everyone talks about that if you're sick, then you need to get help. Yet at the same time, trying to get help is more harder to find than probably finding the cure for your disease. You have to have money in order to get help - Today I woke up with one of the worse headaches and stomach aches I've ever had. I spent hours in the bathroom, mainly diaerrha and gas. I went to sleep last night around 3am, woke up at 2pm today with that pain. I tried to get my mother to carry me to another ER but she told me no. So I went to sleep around 5pm.

I had the most realest dream I've ever had - I was in the same position I was when I went to sleep, lying on my stomach. My grandmother had came into the room trying to ask me something, but I was pointing to my mouth because I coudln't speak. She didn't understand what I was trying to say, and then left the room. I was angry, but I couldn't show it - I felt paralyzed. Then I had started hearing voices - then a girl with toys in her hands, and a light in the middle of her showed up at my bed side.

I wasn't afraid - I reached out to try and touch her but she vanished and something weird happened to me. like a shock. I managed to crawl out of bed on my stomach, crawling to my door - I opened it and my grandmother was out there. She didn't seem too concerned, like I was "faking it" but then I just collasped. I then felt a warm blanket cover me - thats when I woke up with the blanket on me.

I can't even tell if this was real or not. I'm just so tired of hurting and no one caring. I understand that it gets bothersome when you're trying to look after someone for a few days but when it comes to months, I know the caretaker whomever that may be gets tired of it. All I have is an MS Center appt on Aug 19th. But I've tried to get it closer. Don't these people know how bad I hurt everyday?

In reality I've heard voices and music in the distance - I feel like I'm losing my sanity. Yes I spent most of my waking hours in front of a computer, but that is where I find the most peace at. Everyone else gives me hell and confusion and drama. I've wanted to date again now after my divorce, but it seems that its better to die alone and live alone.

One of the private things I haven't mentioned on here was last year in October, I talked to my pastor. I had just been through a divorce and 2 back to back surgeries - I was tired of living. So I told him I needed help - so he said best thing is to go through a hospital to see if they have help there - I spent 8 hours in a room secured by a guard - then after that I was shipped off to a crisis unit for 3 days. The only thing I tried all before this was take 11 pills of melatonin with hopes that I wouldn't wake up.

I'm not sucidal now, no - I'm just tired of not being cared for by the hospitals and doctors. I'm tired of my family telling me that they are not taking me to a different ER because they won't really help you. MY neuro didn' help me, the one who even dxed me with MS.

My question is now what do I do to get some doctors attention that I really need help? Are they even waiting for me just to die so they don't have to do anything?

I'm sick and tired of waiting for help when I need it now.