Okay I have gone up 10lbs in a single month, even though I was playing with the GB and doing more than I should have (who can resist...) I have never in my life put on so much weight at one time... Lost it, easily... never gained it.

My skin is all but crawling off my body it seems. My Copaxone injections are acting like major wasp stings now. I'm narcoleptic throughout the day and an insomniac throughout the night.

I'm in pain, but there's nothing the doctors can do for it as I'm at the end of the line for pharmaceutical treatments. I'm so tired of being allergic to everything that could be potentially beneficial and honestly I'm just sooooo tired.

It's been over a year since I quit smoking but I would gladly hop on my wheelchair and push myself all the way to the nearest store for a pack of smokes (except I know the DH would kill me if I did... too bad it would only be in the figurative sense and not the literal )

And if it wasn't for all the drugs I'm currently taking I would have gladly sang my woes in the bottom of a bottle of Jamieson rather than airing them out on the boards. Such a shame they can't make alcohol friendly muscle relaxants.

I want to go for a run, so much it's practically kill me. I want to run even more than I want a cigarette. I want to do some sit-ups, go for nice hard swim, jump a rope, hop around on a pogo stick, something! Anything other than sitting in my computer chair, or sitting on the couch, or sitting on the bed... sitting... sitting...sitting...

I want to clean my house!
I want to go to the park with my grandbaby and show her how to play on the monkey bars.
I want to bake cookies without fearing I'm going to drop them or fall into the oven.
I want to brush my hair without getting a knot in my shoulder after a few swipes of the brush.
I want to French braid my hair!
I want to go grocery shopping, standing on my own two legs, tapping my foot because the lady in front of me is trying to use expired coupons and counting out pennies.
I want to climb a tree.
Swing on tire swing
Build a playhouse
To not treat my DH like he's a computer and I just need to point and click to get things done.

I want to ** my whiny little head to tell it to shut up and deal with it, life sucks, get used to it and no amount of whining, crying or wishing is going to change it.

I want my sense of humor back!!!!!!!

I am not amused either. I am 24/7 in a wheelchair but lucky enough to afford house-cleaners. Last crew was to a point to know where things are and do what needs doing. Of course got a whole new crew now that need guidance. Young too. I'd rather clean myself. But thing is there's always a worse story out there. At least I don't have to clean their houses!!! Sometimes I have to make myself realize it may be a half an inch of water and not to think I'm gonna drown. MS does suck and steals life away from us. When I was first diagnosed and cried on phone after with my GP she said "You have a right to cry." We do.

You know I needed to write that for myself, not you? Having a bad day.

That's the only thing I have left!

Now Sally - SHE amuses me.

it is safe here starz. you won't hurt, or gain weight.
you can eat chocolate covered peeps and fight demons with a new laser sword from star wars.

we can also give great

back to reality. sounds like you should check with your dr about the copaxone. if you're getting these large reactions it might progress to a full blown allergic reaction; not good.

let us know how you are.

Thanks, and yes it was a bad bad day yesterday. I'm pretty good about keeping my cool, just dealing with most of what life throws my way and getting over it. But I had talked to my uncle the night before my rant here, and was asked about my health, how I was doing and all that jazz. My aunt wanted to know too, since I didn't make it up to NH to visit them this year .

And I told them excitedly about the new wheelchair, about me getting an AFO, about the doctor changing my meds "Woohoo". And then I don't know, it just kind of hit me... here we are just a few days from Christmas, and rather than talking about excitement over what "Santa" was bringing, I was more excited about DME's. One of which was partly the reason why I wasn't able to make it up to visit them, because of the cost for the wheelchair.

I used to talk with them about my times for the 100 meter dash... Or my score in dressage. Or what horse I was working with to bring to the road of recovery. Now I have them worrying about me, and not just them but my whole family. Everyday it's "How are you today," "How are you feeling" "Are you okay?" My little GB runs around telling everyone "Grandma booboo." While it's great she'll curl up with me and behave herself if I'm having a really bad day, it's sad that she has to develop her empathy towards others so soon and practice her sense of 'responsibility.'

Don't get me wrong, I apprieciate their support, and I love my family dearly. But sometimes I almost wish they would just abandon me and go live their lives. And since their fools who won't do that... I wish I could 'fake' it better. That I could go back to running track, and training horses, and just being the me I was before. If nothing else I wish they would just stop worrying about me... Everything in life will be what it will be, nothing less nothing more and worrying about me isn't going to 'heal' me. It's just adding to the general overall worries in life, of which there are far more important ones than myself.

Starz, every one is allowed to have days like you have been having. It's what you do after you have those days that counts. Do you give up, do you pull yourself up by your big girlpanties and say that you are going to do the best that you can and be proud of it. You couldn't always run the 100 meter dash. It was work. And this is work now. Your family should understand that and love you just the way you are. It is so beautiful to see a little one on the lap of some one in a wheel chair. It shows that they love you unconditionally. They want to be with you because of what you show in your heart, not your athletic ability. Even the best of the best athletes eventually lose that part of their life and then have to find out who they really are on the inside. Don't judge yourself on how many records you have broke, medals on the wall. You are the living person inside that body and you are important.

I get tired of being "a brave little soldier" and reserver the right not to be sometimes.

Exactly how I'm feeling kicker... It seems everyday I have to act like "I'm fine". I'm not scared that I can barely see, I'm not upset that my body is ripping itself apart, I'm not ready to scream in complete agony, and I'm certainly not bored out of my mind feeling completely and utterly useless... "I'm fine"

And yes there are people who have it worse in life than me, people with worse MS than me. And sure I'm a "strong person" whatever that means... Which I can only figures means not being a drama queen, not whining everyday and basically just smiling to everyone who asks how I am with an "I'm fine".