What is it about family that exploits our sharpest extremes? Can anyone else love us or hurt us more? It is a most curious notion when we so readily assume that our family should always anticipate the slant of our thinking, possess the advance knowledge of what the misfired humor was meant to be, to know our needs and wishes through some mysteriously channeled wisdom, or to understand circumstances we have never bothered to share with one another.

Who among us has never been intensely hurt by family?

Vulnerability. It is with family that we share the deepest sorrows, the giddiest laughter, the oldest memories, the highest highs; conversely and remarkably, it is with family that we also exchange the most profound hurts, the most powerful fury, and hold the longest grudges.

Expectations. Whether we admit it or not, we most definitely hold the highest expectations for family. It is no wonder then, that our disappointments are the most bitter when we feel let down by those very people.

Projection. Do we see our own worst attributes in our closest family members? Do we place our own thoughts and fears upon them and assign that inward ugliness to the unsuspecting sibling, spouse or parent?

Judgement. “Family is supposed to understand and love us unconditionally.” Says who?

The holiday seasons seem to enhance, ferment, and make more pungent the foul odor of family discord. Is it any wonder that these pockets of time are called “seasons”?

Reckoning. We may expend tremendous negative energy over a few specific events as we eye the egregious offender blissfully sipping wine while enjoying old photos. The perpetrator remains entirely oblivious to the seething fury rising to the boil within the victim’s belly. One false move, something as simple as an unfortunately-timed quip, suddenly transforms the victim into a volcanic eruption, an explosion that literally destroys everything in its wake. Onlookers are then flung into the inevitable, awkward aftermath of disbelief, anger, blame, and curiosity over what had just transpired.

Regrouping. The holiday must be saved at any expense and it is our duty to break off into pairs to evaluate and examine the gravity and foundation of the underlying issue. After the customary tears, alliance building, and nose blowing, the various pairs reassemble into the group and begin the ritualistic expressions of gratitude and the clumsy apologies for abrupt departures.

In silence, all members of the gathering each conclude that the blame lies squarely on the shoulders of our respective parents and peace is again restored in the valley.

Perfect........I think it is soooo good and thought it may help to explain why I was so hurt, angry and then all forgiving, on Thanksiving Day, so, I made an annonomous copy and sent it to DD.

You can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family. Isn't that how it goes?

Who NEEDS family anyway?

I don't have a mom or dad, and haven't had most of my life. What family life I did have, once upon a time, was very dysfunctional. Isn't everyone's?

My sisters and I have had to make it on our own, and we've all been quite successful, in different ways. I don't value their contribution to the world, but that's their business.

I give a lot to my kids and friends, and I can only hope they appreciate it. I don't expect anything back, and I'm never disappointed.

Life is too short.

Cherie

Hey everyone, nothing awful happened in my world this TG. I really meant this more as an affirmation of normalcy to anyone who recognizes one or more of those dynamics. Unless we count my idiot brother's buffoonery, everything here was run-of-the-mill ordinary.

A few friends have called me in the last couple days just kind of debriefing from the family assaults. LOL, we are all so normal in our abnormal disfunctions!

Hello Everyone,
All I can say to this is, we're home with our "functional family", and I'm thankful for all of you!

Hi Cindy,

I can't agree with you thought points any more. They are right on. I too come from a "semi-functional disfunctional" family. No, I don't even try to understand them anymore and that includes my elderly parents. Some rifts will never be mended. Many times no one wants to put into the effort to mend them.

Funny, I've always said the a member of our family (me) has no credibility. Kind of like the phrophet in his own village is not respected. Go figure?

As an adult I've learned NOT to share specific information with my family as I know they don't want to accept it, understand it, or even empathize. I can only control my own little world with my wife and kids.

I can't tell you how many times I've told my kids, "if I ever do/don't do, such and such, just slap the H out me and bring me back to reality!"

Just some thoughts. Thanks for bearing with me here.

Family can be difficult at the best of times.

I have struggled with issues on both sides for years and have not come up with a good solution except to avoid stressful situations. And that doesn't always work.

For the life of me, I cannot figure out why they must continue to try to change another family member, especially one they only see once or twice a year. It just baffles me.

I have long ago given up trying to please my mother. I knew it was a lost cause when I was in high school. She is one of those people who enjoys being unhappy and is at her best when everyone around her is unhappy. She relishes in it. Therefore, my sister and I refuse to engage her. She does not know I have MS, nor will she ever. She is 90 and will not live much longer. The reason? She would make it her fault and her cause. I refuse to be her "center of attention" getter. It would be "oh poor me, my daughter has MS" and she has no clue what MS is and would embarrass herself and anyone around her making me some sort of freak. It would be all about HER.

Family dynamics can be interesting, and sometimes entertaining. I have some free entertainment coming up if anyone wants to come watch!

Hi guys, it's me again.
Anyway, here goes...
A long long time ago there were a bunch of kids (6) abandoned by their mom and left at the shack called home in the country somewhere in ILLinois.
It was early fall, the field corn was just getting good, I know cause that is what they ate,, they had nothing else..no water there either..... Anywhoo,, the cops came and hauled their little abandonded hineys to the local childrens home. Needless to say, these kids were declared as wards of the state and stayed in said children's home. 2 years later one little, sweet, cute, redhaired-green eyed girl ha, was adopted by a childless couple. The dad was wonderful, but worked away all week from the family home, leaving the girl with the "mom" who didn't want a kid, was very controling and abusive even after the girl married. Or at least tried to be after the girl married. The girl married a man who already had 3 beautiful kids, 4,6 and 8, so they grew up together sortof. 4 years later this woman had a wonderful beautiful boy, her pride and joy and when the adopted mother came to see the baby, would not hold him, and said don't bother "IT".
So, needless to say, this woman decided it was best if her little boy, or any of the other 3 kids for that matter, didn't get exposed to the adopted mother again.
So the kids grew up among lifes usual trials and tribulations, and when the youngest of the first three was going into college, the man and woman got a divorce, the little boy was 10. That was over 12 yrs ago. The little boy, now a man thinks him mom can pull flying monkeys from somewhere and work miracles(I can you know)
I am still in touch with the first 3, they will still hug me and tell me they love me when we get to see each other, EVEN in public!!
My point::: the first three are not my bio kids, but they are my kids, and my family, even their Mom is family to me and vise versa.
This narration was not to draw sympathy, b/c what has happened, happened, happened in the past has what helped make me what I am today, bad or good. I got thru it, got a good career, was able to raise my son, have a house, plenty to eat....etc.... But most of all it taught me to find people I could trust and love and respect. And I have.
So I guess in a way, you can pick your family. It's ok, I did, along with those mentioned, I have a couple of friends who are as family to me only better, BECAUSE I know they will not treat me like the "so called" family of the past.
And yes guys, I have been to therapy for many many years and I'm good.
So now with this health thing, I am finding out who my real friends are, and they are the ones I thought so.

Wow, Geri, that's quite a story. I must be honest, I never felt sorry for you for one minute because I knew there was a triumph in all this. You're one tough broad and MS is nothing you can't handle with grace and a touch of class.




*resisting urge to make "first-class" parcel post kind of dumb jokes*

Will do ty!!