DH means it really, really well, but he thinks HE is right. When I go from the bed to my power chair, I like holding the bedpost, which is solid as a rock, plopping my butt down squarely and firmly on the seat of chair positioned for this to accure accurately, the proper distance, etc. This morning he hears my chair beep as I turn it in (darn), runs in to help me, moves my chair where I DO NOT want it, insists I hold on to him and guides my hips where it's not right, Does not hold me firmly like a rock but he feels all right about it,plops me on the seat positioned too far away), my heavy part is slightly off and starts pulling me down off seat but his reaction is to say isn't it lucky he was here to help me!!!! During the day by myself I never get these out-of-control feelings I get when he DECIDES how things should be done, I take my slippers off to try fall shoes on for fit and he knows they should be, somewhere else, takes them from spot I put the in, puts one in WC under basket, one on bed!! I find the one but not the other. I call to him, he tells me he has to get to work and has no time for me, retrieves the slipper from end of bed where he had put only the one, and his actions and words show clearly he kind of thinks I'm the idiot who can't find her slippers. He's like a 5-year old child who helps you. In a 52 y.o. man, not so cute.

I know my MS is tough on him (but still maintain, harder on me) and he needs to help, frustrated he can't "fix" me. I like help but not when most is not good for me and actions decided by another. We are both stubborn and think we are the right one (Although it really is me he thinks, me and my MS making me so difficult)
but sometimes his help is not help but another obstacle to get by.

I learned, and you can show this to your hubby, to NOT help Jim unless he asks for help. He has a certain way of doing things just like you. My ideas are not his ideas and what seems easier to me is harder for him.

I am sure he means well and loves you dearly or he wouldn't be trying so hard. He wants you to feel like he can do this, be the helpful hubby. However, all we really do is cause more anguish. Tell him it's OK to let you decide where things go, how they are to be placed and that you have reasons for it, to make your life easier.

God bless him but tell him from one caregiver (20 yrs in the making) to another, back off. lol Unfortunately you will have to "train" him and remind him that being in a chair does not take away brain cells. If you didn't have any you wouldn't care where your slippers went.

I'm not shy, and if I want help I know how to ask for it. I don't beat around the bush or speak in vague terms.

"It would help if you'd bring up the laundry."

Now when they ask how to help, why don't they just do what we say we need done?

If I wanted tea, I could have said so. Just keep the dogs quiet and bring the dang towels lol.

He is trying the best he knows how and doesn't understand our MS reasons for wanting things done a certain way. My caregiver used to say, "I know, there's some MS reason why you need it done this way "

I used to try to politely explain why I needed things done a particular way and from that point on he knew and the problem was solved. Too, time is working against him with him working; he is rushed.

Also, I try to remember to say thank you for help given for they are knocking themselves out trying to help. Hopefully, a little direction on your part will help solve the problem.

Take care.

I hear you loud and clear on that one, Kicker. Well-meaning efforts almost always end with more trouble for me.

My BIL decided that I need more milk on Saturday (I don't go through it fast at all), he put it on its side and this morning my big adventure was to try to clean it up from the door and floor of my fridge. Well, my legs gave out... ugh.

We don't want, and really can't afford, to lose our allies in all this but there are times...

I know what you mean - because I'm on the other side....I do stuff like that all the time to my mom when I visit. Try to do it a better way (ie, my way!) and usually her way is the best. I feel rotten when I realize what I'm doing, and my mom is nice enough (and patient enough) that she puts up with me! Maybe a gentle reminder to your DH is all that's needed. My mom tends to tell me that she's spent a lot of time figuring out what works best and so I should back off Maybe that might help?

Maybe gently tell DH that when he helps w/o asking, it's like being in a 3-legged gunniesack race.

What you really want is for him to be your relay teammate. When you're ready to pass the baton off, then it's his turn to run (and help you).

kick I can understand, i have a nasty independent streak in me been on my own for so long, and debs intentions are good, only thing I can say is he loves you and is just trying to help ease your troubles, he is trying, at least he isn't like some spouses who split at the drop of a hat from illness and such, maybe let him read this post? talk to him communicate your inner feelings so he will know,

just explain that you need to feel independent and thank him for his help and effort, but until said time you want to be able to do it on your own still

ok I shut up now

Men!

I'm a men so I know. Knight in shining armor syndrome.
You may have to just hurt his feelings and tell him "Thanks but no thanks" sometimes. Explain to him that what independence you still have is important to you.

I had to brief my family on that a few years ago. Unless I ask for your help, I don't want it.

But that's just me.

Kicker..........
Tell DH your using the bed post to save his back..........
Someday he might have to have that strong back when you cant do it alone anymore......

Here is the "real" trick to getting the DH to work with(for) you.........
Make him think everything is his idea.........
Say " Hun I was thinking when I get in my chair alone do you think I should do this or try this ???give him a choice....then try it his way....then thank him for solving that for you...and go back to your own way of doing things.....he feels like he has helped....you get him outta your way...you know in your mind you were right all along....
CASE SOLVED!!!........lol lol lol

Good luck Kicker!!!!