[RedPenguins]

I have my head hung low today.

Well, it seems that 2008 was never meant to be my year. From the very start, on Jan 4, when I was diagnosed with MS out of the blue...

After faring so well for the 4.5 months since my experimental treatment, I thought I was pretty much home free. After all, in the first 6 months of 2008, I had not gone more than a week without my health worsening and new symptoms/disabilities appearing. I celebrated with glee.

And then a little over a week ago, the glee started to lack it's shine. I began having symptoms.

I saw my local neurologist last Tuesday and he agreed that I was having a flare-up. We had thought that it was a pseudo flare-up (caused by external factors such as stress, hormones, infection, etc.). When I spoke with my doctors at Hopkins, they said to go for an MRI immediately and have blood/urine labs done (and not wait until end of December for my 6 month review).

The blood work and urine came up negative for signs of infection.

On Friday I had an MRI and they did the reading stat...so my doctor knew the results within a few hours. (Un)Fortunately, the MRI tech had told me all that I needed to know - when injected with the dye, the MRI "lit up like a Christmas tree" meaning that I had active lesions. This was no pseudo flare - it was a full blown exacerbation with new damage in my brain. Of course, I didn't get overly upset until the doctor confirmed it at 6pm on Friday.

On Saturday afternoon I began IV steroid treatment. The nurse will come to my home daily for 6 days to administer high dose steroids in an attempt to lessen some of the symptoms. Yippy. Nothing like an IV pole in your family room to spread the holiday cheer. (oooh, maybe I should deck it out with Xmas lights??) Having double vision while looking at christmas lights outside is certainly a fun show, though.

The original prediction of my disease course before I had the chemo treatment was that I would be in a wheelchair by Christmas. Well, while I won't fully be in a wheelchair in 2 weeks - I know I will be having to use one in the airports while traveling.

I am still besides myself and totally devastated. I feel like an utter failure. Definitely need to figure out how it is that I have shame that the treatment isn't working.

2008 isn't going out much better than it started.

(And yes, if you have some cheese to go with my whine, I will gladly take it. Though I'm not much of a cheese person, I do like Polly-O mozzarella cheese, which I just can't find out here in Los Angeles...it seems to be another one of those East Coast things - like Drakes Cakes. Oh, and if you're going to send the cheese, why not add in some Dunkin Donuts too, please.)