Ally (Bluesky) and Susan (DessertFlower) were brave enough to bring this up in my Remission post, so I thought it would be a good thing to talk about. I am sorry you guys are feeling so down. You are both so sweet, so there has to be something about your spirits that is better than this damn disease; that can beat that depression.

It seems that only people with a disease want to talk about what it is to live with it or the depression that often goes with it. So many times, all others want to know is the trite "I'm okay" response. Well, I am not okay. And neither are a lot of other people. And I for one need to talk about that. It's not about pity or not having a good attitude. We all need to talk, to get things out, to feel better.

We can go to psychologists and psychiatrists. We can do "mood" drugs (aka antidepressants). Or mood foods like fish, caffeine and healthy (or not healthy foods like chocolate) foods. We can have mood supplements like vitamin B12 and others. We can put music on, do all the things we love (well, almost do those things) and try, try, try every day to feel okay about our lives. Don't do all that the icons are doing or you'll pass out from lack of oxygen.

I am in one of those "moods" tonight where I sit here and look into my kitchen, thinking about how much I don't really want to eat. It's a version of anorexia but mainly due to depression and the fact that it is so hard to make dinner. By this time of day, I just want to sit. And "fast" or frozen food is out due to my inability to have gluten or sodium. I usually eat all whole foods, which means a lot of prep. So by this time of night, I end up eating "picnic" food, like an apple, pumpkin seeds and maybe cheese and crackers.

The one thing that usually keeps me going is the "unknown" or the "magical" moments life has to offer. Like the bluebirds we hardly see but when I do it makes my week. Or someone actually saying I look good (better to look good than to feel good). Or knowing that, after seven damn years, I can read my medical records and find out that I have in fact seropositive MG instead of seronegative (because the damn doctor kept it from me so his doctor pal wouldn't be sued for dismissing my concerns and keeping me from prompt diagnosis and treatment (allegedly).

I keep going back to the movie Castaway, where Tom Hank's character says that you never know what the tide will bring (it brought him a sail so that he could get off the deserted island he had been on for four years). So I cling to those "gems," those moments that make it all worthwhile, including the support I find here. I keep my eyes and mind aware so that I don't miss them. And I try to look for as much good as I can (staying the heck away from the news).

It's hard to live with a chronic illness but think of it as having an emotional and physical garage sale. Get rid of all that makes you feel bad and keep all that makes you feel good. And that you need. I don't really have a lot of words of wisdom since I struggle with depression - and the occasional suicidal thoughts - due to my physical and financial limitations. My mind is still my own though.

So if you guys need to vent or have any ideas on how to deal with all this, vent away. Or go eat this . . . . . . that can sometimes help.

Annie

*hugs* I'm sorry some of you are going through this, I myself try not to be depressed, but sometimes I just cry for no reason. Lol.. Okok I think theres a reason why I cry, bUt i find it so hard to control sometimes. And sometimes I just feel like remaining uncontactable or not contact any one.. Lol..

I guess when we're dealing with quite a bit of things, sometimes we do feel suffocated. I find it useful to just let it out by ranting by writing or crying. After that, I'll remind myself of the things I still have to do, my clients, my goals in life and those are what keep me going on and on despite what I'm feelling.

Then the depressed feeling sorts of goes away once I get happy doing those things. It always helps when I do my best to still appreciate things that come my way, and believe that it will only get better. Also, I think of you guys. =D

Great post Annie,

I get mad more than depressed. Yes sometimes there are times I want no contact with other people but that is because I am mad and don't want to bring that around others. I know someone who uses her illness as a way to explain away her behavior, she says "Well we have an incurable illness so do whatever you want" She drinks and go crazy and I can't stand that kind of behavior.

I like to think we are unique in the way we are and we have a responsibility to show the world we are survivors and can help others.

Annie,
First off I wanted to make a suggestion for cooking and eating since by evening you are too wore out to cook. I use my crock pot or slow cooker ALOT!!! I am a vegetarian so I also have to prepare alot of my own food to make sure I am not using animal by products. I love to make soups in it. My favorite is vegetable but you can make just about any kind you like. I am also a big bean eater. I make navy or pinto beans alot. I soak them the day before I plan to eat them with the crock pot off and then turn it on low right before I go to bed. By the next evening they are ready to go. You can make black beans and add things to make it as spicy as you like. I put onion, garlic and cilantro in and eat them with corn tortillas or corn chips. What I have left I refrigerate and use them throughout the week to make taco salad or burritos. I also make casseroles and keep them in the refrigerator to eat on evenings when I don't feel like cooking.

As for the depression. I mentioned in another post that I struggle with that too. I have been on antidepressants since 2003 after my mom died. I was with her when she passed and was haunted by the things I saw her suffer through at the end. I have tried to come off them a couple of times but end up back on them. My Dr. told me a couple of years ago to plan to take them the rest of my life. I have lost 5 family members since 2001 so everytime I think I can manage without them I feel like I am blindsided again with another death in my family. My issue was more anxiety before my diagnosis with MG but now I tend to think it is more depression. My neuro asked me last week if they were helping. I told him yes for the most part. I think the hardest part of MG for me is never knowing how I will feel from one day to the next and worrying about how quickly this disease seems to be progressing. I have always been very outgoing and active and I am having a hard time adjusting to the way I feel and look from this. I know there is a grieving period with illness just like there is when you deal with death. Annie when you made the comment that it is more important to look good than feel good. I am with you on that! I am a Christian and believe that God has a purpose for everything in this world, even the things we don't understand. So I pray for peace and try to spend a few minutes each day doing something I love. Today in Mo it is gorgeous!!! It is 70* and sunny. Last week it was rainy and cold all week so I am sitting here with my door open enjoying the sunshine and warmth. I refuse to let this disease take away my spirit and joy of living. I just need to figure out how to accept that this is my new life and it can still be good just in a different way.
Kendra

I've been thinking about this post for most of the day... how do I reply to it?...

First, I think it is important to accept that depression is a medical condition. "the blues" aren't they're normal healthy emotional fluctuation... depression is. You will not fix depression with eating fish or B vitamins. Would you skip your Mestinon for MG if that's what you've got controlling it? The medications for depression re-balance your brain chemistry and need to be tuned in association with a physician (or psychiatrist). Depression is as much of a disease as MG is and I think if you are suffering from it, you should deal with it in the same manner as you deal with MG ... with Doctors' assistance.

I am dealing with mild depression. I went through a lot when MG hit me; I had finally got my career to the point that I was working for for a long time and suddenly got broad-sided by this horribly confusing condition; hospitalized and unable to do what I had been driving for. I was used to being able to take on as much overtime as my company was willing to give me to pay off our debts and save for special vacations, that was gone too. I suddenly couldn't even carry the damn groceries in from the car. I was experiencing lots of anger and self-pity needless to say. My wife came with me to speak with my doctor during one visit; my doctor immediately diagnosed depression and made it clear it was nothing unusual given what I was going through. With medication, it has been improved. I still occasionally have "blue" days, but I'm not dealing with depression crushing me anymore. It is being controlled as any medical condition should be, with the help of my medical team.

I hope any of you experiencing depression do not let it build in you... work with your medical team and get it under control. Medicated or non-medicated remission is possible with depression just like it is possible with MG.

Brennan, By no means was I saying that you can think or eat away depression, even though attitude and coping skills are key to beating it. If you read the beginning of my post, it was motivated due to how Susan and Ally are doing and how we should support them right now.

There are many journal articles, and books like the ones by Andrew Weil, that show very clearly how vitamins and supplements like Omega 3's are important to how we "feel;" how our mood is. By itself, a B vitamin complex will not take care of clinical depression. But to say that foods and supplements are not important is to ignore what our bodies do indeed need to feel good. I know what it's like not to have B12 in my body and I had dementia and angry mood swings. And if you are low, or high, on blood sugar, you can feel like crap.

I did in fact mention psychiatrists and psychologists and am myself seeing a very good one. I cannot do the antidepressants, just as a point of information. They are an important tool in fighting depression but so are many other things, like support of family and friends. The "prescription" for depression is different for everyone.

I'm glad antidepressants worked for you. They can be quite effective.

Kendra, You are very kind to make those suggestions. I am afraid that my diet is very limited due to allergies, salt restriction, etc. I am so sorry your Mom died and that you have a lot to deal with due to that. It was very hard seeing what my Dad went through for 16 months before he died too. I am thankful he is no longer suffering and is with his golfing and teaching friends now.

Joanmarie, I get angry too. I have had to really work hard at getting over my anger at certain doctors and their inability to get things right. It's been almost worse than my anger about being sick. It can really adversely affect your blood pressure, so be careful about getting too angry. I believe in purpose too - I just wish I knew why so much you know what has hit the fan.

Connie, I'm glad you can still do things you love. I think a good cry is great for the body. When I need to cry, I just let it out. It feels good afterwards. You have lots going on and still have energy for others. I wish I had energy to volunteer my time again.

Any care you guys get for MG or depression or whatever else is between you and your doctors. I simply wanted to give some support.

Annie

Annie,
I just want to say "Thank You" for your post. I needed what you said in your posts here. I am also having some "times" right now and I do appreciate your support as well as others here on this forum. You have uplifted me tonight and I do thank you! God Bless you and others for sharing the "real world" of MG.
Hugs,
Simon

Yes Annie....I give you a big "at a girl" for that post....

I also actually watched a bird today, he walked up and down my bannister....I sat there and thought..."You know, birds don't have to worry, God takes care of them". So as the same (even more) with us.

When I get down, I try to always think of others who are going thru alot more than I am....for instance a child I know in my hometown who is 6 years old with Cancer....also others here in this forum who suffer alot more than I do.

Thank you for your gift of "encouragement and wisdom".......

Saying a prayer for all our forum folks tonight...

Hugs
JJ

Cool Annie I guess I'm guilty of seeing what I thought you were saying and not actually what you were... sorry about that.

I've been in a lot of arguments with co-workers lately who seem to think that "the cure" is in a particular diet. Citing things like aboriginal diets as cures for cancer (seriously, did you know there is a group of aboriginals in the mountains somewhere where cancer is unknown? Of course the cited article neglects to mention their mean-age of death from natural causes) B-vitamins are widely cited as "happy vitamins" and I do take them in addition to my D and C vits, but they're no cure for depression. A lot of people not going through a disease or condition have quick-fix solutions and a lot of those quick fixes are snake-oil. I've gotten into the zone of calling out when someone says "take B complex, you'll be fine" "pull up your socks and get better, you'll be fine" etc. A little over defensive I guess

Cheers,

Brian.

Annie, thanks for thinking of us.

Thank you everyone for sharing parts of your life here.

As for me, I am not clinically depressed, but I definitely have some issues that cause me emotional problems. I have learned many methods to help keep me sane. Since the sources of my problems (at least the big ones that normal people do not have) are not within my reach and I cannot do anything to eliminate them, I have to learn to live with these things. Vitamin B definitely helps as well as sunlight (of course in small amounts), deep breathing (for the stress), meditation (to fall asleep), Mestinon (necessary!!!) and so many other things help me deel with this mountain of issues I carry around with me.

The biggest help is nature...to see a flower, sunsets, sunrises, birds, plants...to feel I am a part of it all helps me greatly (those Magical moments Annie mentioned). Music, writing, drawing, thinking and reading (I so much miss being able to read normally, but still I read) are all a part in feeling better about myself.

We all have to find what works best for each of us, we are all individual in our method of healing, I am still learning new ways to make life better (and it feels like with every step forward, something pulls me down 10 steps but I keep trying).

Like you Annie, I am not okay and it does help to accept this fact and to talk about it. Only then I believe can we begin to heal, to make what we can of what is left of our life. The thing I realize that is lacking from my life is other people...I have been isolating myself and now I feel locked in...I feel a great loneliness and a need to talk to more people (I love my kids and husband but it is not enough talking to them only).

The thing that makes me mad recently is the realization that possibly MG and definitely many other illnesses are caused by our culture and all of its pollution. I knew of the diseases caused by pollution before but only now have I became angry. I don't need something else to be mad at right now...

Thank you everyone.