[Stellatum]

I'm a 43-year-old mother of seven. I have one child in college and two in high school, and I'm homeschooling four. I teach high school English in our homeschool co-op, which requires a lot of preparation. I have a part-time job from home. We have four people living with us who are trying to get on their feet and who require a lot of care (rides, social service arrangements, medical stuff, and lots and lots of direction and life-management).

I was never very good at juggling all of these responsibilities, but I was doing OK. Since I got sick, my sweet and uncomplaining husband has taken over a lot of stuff for me. I am very grateful that my day is so flexible--I can rest when I need to, etc. But I feel bad. My husband was already working harder than I was.

Would anyone like to talk about how to adjust to--deal with--get used to--I don't know--having to watch family members who are already over-burdened pitch in so much? What kind of mind-set do I adopt? How do I show him I'm grateful? This is pretty new to me. Thanks.

[Maxwell'sMom]

Oh, if you were here, I'd give you a hug, and a half, and let you know you're not along in feeling like this.
As a Mom, I too feel the guilt that my girls drive me to the doctors, my husband gets out of work early to take me when are girls aren't here to help. One is in college, and the other is interning. It's constant too.
So, we only see them during breaks. But while they're here, I depend on them so much, and then the guilt just floods in.
I was never the type to allow too many people to do for me, and I always felt, my children, are just that, my children, and I am the Mom. I take care of them, not the other way around.

It was a hard horrible adjustment to get use too, actually I still am not adjusted to it. And they're 21, and 27. My dear sweet husband is like yours, uncomplaining, and more than willing to help all he can. He works all day, and then comes home to help out with making dinner, and with anything else I couldn't do that day.
It's a slow process, and I'm not sure the guilt ever goes away completely.

What I have learnt is, as a family we work together as a team, and when one member isn't able too do, the other members help. I learned to give up control, and it made me a better person, better Mom, and better Christian.
We are a very close knit family. We joke all the time, and my illnesses, which are many, and rather serious, can be joked about, and we can laugh at the sillyness in them.
You may need to explain to your company, that with your illness, you are unable to do what you once did, and could they help you with this, or that. (instead of you helping them, it is you who needs help, and it is they .who are there with you .whose help is needed.)Even if they can do little tasks, that can really help.
This is a great topic to bring up, as many many of us are feeling like this, and although we've gotten better at allowing those around us to help, it's still hard.

Love Lizzie

[AnnieB3]

I just wanted to give you some support. I can't write too much right now due to my health. I did want to say that people who love you don't see helping you as a burden but as something they choose to do. You would take care of anyone without a second thought. I know it's hard not to feel like a burden - I often do. Love isn't a burden - it's a gift.

Annie

[DesertFlower]

I am not able to help with how to deal with this since I am trying to figure it out myself. I think this is a good topic to discuss.

I know that if one of my family members had MG (instead of me) I would be happy to take on extra work for them and do whatever I needed to. I wouldn't feel bad or expect a thank you. I would do it because I loved them.

Since it is me with MG I don't know how to accept help, I have always been so independant and hard working.

I suppose we should show we love those around us that help us when we need it.

I look forward to reading what anyone has to say on this subject.

[rach73]

I think sometimes its so hard to accept the help being offered. My mum will often say when she visits is there anything I can do? She means well and to be honest theres probably loads she could do but I always say no. I think its because I don't like to feel like I'm not coping or keeping on top of things.

It takes a long time to adjust for you and your family and there will be many bumps along the road. Being ill is hard and having to care for someone who is sick is hard. But if the roles were reversed you would care for your husband without a second thought.

It doesn't take away the guilt I feel not being able to do the things I used to, but it helps me cope.

Its early days for you and you will eventually work out a balance.

Love
Rach

[Stellatum]

Thanks, everyone. What I do notice is that I go though emotional phases. Sometimes I am "reasonable" and accept not being able to do stuff. Other times, I feel like I need to do something that I know very well I'm going to pay for later, just out of frustration.

I'm not sure if I want my husband to trust me to make those decisions, or to step in and be the voice of reason. This morning, for example, I said, "I'll do the grocery shopping today," and he said, "No, you won't." Since he was the one who had to literally pick me up off the floor yesterday, that was an understandable response, and I didn't insist.

I find it easier to ask for help from the people I usually take care of, like my guests. Sometimes instead of making dinner, I make an announcement, as in: "OK, all you grown-up types: make dinner happen!" And I have handed over all dish-washing duties (not negligible in a household of 13 people).

Thanks for the reminder that love eases burdens. I think no matter what my health state, I'll feel better when spring comes (I write from new England, where we get awful cabin fever). I lost my fiddle to MG (can't hold up my arms) but I discovered that not only can I hold a mandolin, but it's tuned just like the fiddle, so I learned (well, sort of...) instantly.