I am seeking help from members in how to deal with spousal chronic pain. Son and his wife have been together for five years now. She was a healthy, adverturesome, happy girl when they met. About two years into the relationship she started to have pain first centering around her menstrual period and then spreading and getting much worse. She has been to Johns Hopkins and have been diagnosed with interstitial cystitis.


Son came to us in tears. She has completely changed from the person she was. She now spends a majority of her time on the couch. She has lost most of her friends and wants him to be with her 24/7 despite the fact that he has to work. They have no life as she cannot walk or sit or long so basically it is sit and watch tv. He has always been an active person, probably a bit ADD like his dad and needs to move.

She sleeps until at least noon every day and then wants to stay up watching tv until the wee hours of the morning. And she seems to have lost all regard for his needs- he had to sleep and get up in the morning but she will not mute the tv so he can sleep and she will wake him out of a deep sleep because she wants him to 'hold' her. She had gone from a very giving person to a very self-involved person.

He is at his wit's end. He knows they cannot go on like this, she wants him to wait on her hand and foot and she is doing nothing to help herself. I know she must be afraid of the future and hurting and also knowing that their drug plan has run out.

I don't want them to separate and he really does not either but he knows they can't go on like this. She will not get counseling although he has suggested it.

Any suggestions from people on both sides, both experiencing chronic pain and care givers who are burned out would be so much appreciated. Sorry this is so long but we desperately need help to save this marriage.

I read your post and wanted to reply to you first as a mother of two grown children, One married and the other in college. I sense that your son was reaching out to you for help and your response has been to get involved as far as pointing out her shortcomings and spending large amount of time being non-productive. Probably not the girl that you had in mind for him after she became ill. As a mother, we worry about our sons and getting a fair deal in their lives. Your job is over. The next time your son comes to you to ask advice or gripe about his sick wife, tell him that you are NOT a doctor, and that he should immediately schedule a visit with his wife and her doctor so that he has a concise and clear understanding about her condition and what is available for her as far as a game plan for her treatment that "includes" the TWO of them. I'm reading between the lines, and don't see where you include your involvement in her well being. Also, your involvement with your son does not seem to suggest that you are interested in doing everything you can to comfort HER. She is in pain. She seems depressed. To leave her at this time would be devastating for everyone, I feel, but you. I hope I am wrong about your intentions, but, you asked, and I'm sending you the very best advice from my own experience as a TN and Neurology patient who has a supportive husband and family who has my TRUE SINCERE INTEREST at heart. Step back mom. Please don't take this the wrong way...but let him be a husband to her. The marriage won't stand a chance with any negative input from you. Talk about the weather! I mean well, please listen, Pain changes people. Don't play doctor or marriage adviser. Read my post again without being angry. It will make sense, and you'll come across as a very wise mom to your son. Don't risk losing him as well. The best of luck to you all. Mel3[/CENTER]

Hello annise and welcome to NeuroTalk! You will find many friendly, caring, and helpful people on the boards.

Below is the link for Chronic Pain:

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum10.html

I hope your daughter-in-law can get some help.

annise,

It is great to have you come and be with us. You will fine a great number of dear friends to listen when you are in need of ears. Please, just let us know how we can help you out. You will find out we are supportive and relaxing place.

Maybe you should check in the depression forum:

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum37.html

Please keep us up to date on her condition. Again welcome, looking forward to seeing you around. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Darlene

i'm truley sorry for your situation, unfortunatley i don't have the answer, my hubby loves me but am afraid he will get tired of all this and leave me, he's already rolling his eyes at alot i say, does she have rsd

Hi Annise ~ I see no other way out of this other than therapy. He has GOT to get her to see that unless they get therapy, this relationship is going to end, and she's going to be left alone. Perhaps if she understands that she's going to be left completely alone, that will open her eyes.

I'm sure you son would rather just give up and leave -- i imagine he's had about enough of this, but I hope he's williing to give counseling a try. he sounds like a good guy, thank God.

Have him tell her that it's counseling or he's gone, and she'll be left high and dry and that YOU will NOT be bailing her out. Maybe that will do it.

I wish everyone the very best. God blsss and please keep us posted. Hugs, Lee PS -- this is called "tough love."