[Nezzer]

Hi. First post. I've never really discussed BPD on a forum before, but I don't have much luck doing it verbally so hopefully it will be helpful. I haven't been living with this diagnosis for to long, about 6 months actually when I had the longest day of my life... I'm almost sure it lasted about a week. From the symptoms I had and everything I told my therapist about myself she told me that I have rapid-cycling BPD which is some new and magical kind of BPD that was bestowed upon me (by some higher power I'm sure) specifically just to screw me over differently. Joking. No the truth of that is they're just finding ways to broaden the labels they have in order to understand what they've been... trained about... blah. I really hate therapists but I think I'm rambling off topic... which is sort of why I'm typing this.
You see, I'm the BP of the very paranoid variety and I didn't really know that I had this for some time they just told me I'd get it when I was much much older and of course all my friends were very aware of my time of difficulty when it was happening and to be completely honest, out of the few friends that I have most of them are complete assholes and they take pride in that fact. A few months ago when I felt especially paranoid I felt that my friends were placing me in situations that related to the paranoid delusions I had when I was having my difficult time and I've always been extremely gullible (because I freakin trust people) so it wouldn't be hard to do (so when I'm very convinced that they're doing this I almost become enraged by the fact that they probably think they're sooooo smart because you have to be a genious to mess with people you know?). So a few months ago I told everyone I was friends with "Uhhh hey... I don't need you anymore... live long and prosper and whatnot uhhhhhh..... goodbye" and I just ditched everyone for like 2 months straight. So of course after I was sure that the entire process my brain used to think had changed I called them back and only a couple bothered forgiving me and now I think they're messing with me again. And today my mind began linking all the many possibilities of how they could be talking to my parents who probably hate me as well and once again the world has become very very lonely and I'm afraid that if I said any of this to anyone I know they would just use it against me to mess with my head. Infact, if you reply to this post my first thought is going to be that your someone I know just flat out ****in with my head because you have nothing better to do. And even though I know I haven't been taking my lithium and getting my rest and eating like I should be, its very very hard to shake this feeling... infact it's completely impossible. I almost wish the only people who might care me did hate me and are consipiring against me, just so I could do something about it... but whatever.
But yeah. Hi, my name's Chris and I was just wondering if anyone's been there like that you know? I'm sure someone has but it's hard to tell if they're just messing with my head or not.
Anyway, I'm beyond honored if you've taken the time to read all of this and I greatly appreciate it since it's the first time I've put that **** out in the open. And I know, I should be saying all this to a shrink but I'm currently quite happy with not feeling suicidal on the medication I'm taking... ya know?

[shiney sue]

Well i did live in Mi. for a good part of my life,but that's a big state and i'm
a old bat so i don't think we know each other..I grew up in the St clair
Shores area but i now live in Columbia Mo.

Just wondering why you went off the meds? Were they working for you,
I couldn't take the 1 you were on, i wish i could of but if it's not a money
or your not iching all over. Hey get back on, i know how long they take to
to work. Now this is the mom in me but you got to eat,and getting on that
med. or anyother ya gotta have food n your gut.Sounds like your on speed-
dial which is my word for trying to get all out real quick..Which i bet you
havent had any sleep either.I know you said all that BUT please you need
to do that.

This is a good place to come if you don't like face to face,but remember
we are not Drs. we are just people like you..Now the advice i can give you
is the above,start with that 1st.i'm not demanding just suggesting..Chris
I hope you find help here i know i did..Sometimes it just takes a little
to feel like you fit in..Post again please you sound like your a good repeat
good person . Well this is going to sound funny but it's not,we are about
to have a tornado...Many blessings and good thoughts coming at ya!! Sue

[Nezzer]

Thanks for the advice, but I should clarify; I'm currently taking lithium and seroquel and while my mood's been generally good and I've been getting some legendary sleep, the paranoia thing still persists. Even when I wake up and I'm 100% sure that my thoughts aren't going to fast or to slow and they're limited mostly to ".....ugh...hungry" and nothing insanely out there, I'm still paranoid that people are just messing with me... at which point I become quite sure that it's true. I can't just go ask like "hey... you messin with my head?" because even if the answer is yes I would obviously get a no. Argh. It's complicated and I mostly like to go spiritual on the whole thing and just figure whatever paranoid thoughts I'm having probably stems from something deep down and if I can just sort myself out it will go away because there won't be any substance for symptoms like paranoia to feed off of AND I figure if I go see a shrink (which I don't so I wouldn't be seeing one who is quite familiar with me) and tell them what's going on they're just going to give me a change in medication and I'll just be making some OTHER drug company rich and yeah... lithium doesn't cost much but I don't pay for my meds yet. But when I DO start paying for them I don't wanna pay $250 a month just not proove that there's never nothing to talk about.
I certainly hope time and staying alive is the cure to any problem though.
*sigh* Well on a lighter note, why did you move out of MI?