I just thought I would link these two topics together for the sake of people who are suffering from some sort of sickness.

Today I have my counseling.

I was struggling with medication.

Then I realized that having a daily routine even if you just aspire to it is very helpful and reading the stories of others in recovery also helps. My case may seem like one where there is no need for recovery, what is the illness? Is it because of medication that I have a disability and do I need to keep taking medication? I think the best thing I can do for myself is to recognize the difference when I am on medication and off of medication. It can only be recognized with an open mind, it doesn't matter how long you are off the medication or how long you struggle. There is a light that shines on the floor and from the sky that shows how I was before and how I am now. I just wanted to share that I am a different person entirely...and it is a miracle. I feel like I want to share it. The topic is not as important in the sense that from my side I know that I have a defect, I don't want to have a defect, there are steps I can take to change this, #1 being taking medication. If I have a drug related injury why do they force me on drugs? I struggle with this some times but I have learned to accept recently in the past few days that I can still receive my disability and also take the medications prescribed despite the fact that before I was injured. You may wonder what kind of injury. I thought about this myself but if you don't know about the effects of medication then you should ask a professional, then you will know what "drug related injury" actually means. Its just as simple as the name suggests. I don't think that my injury is being disputed. And that makes me feel more comfortable in accepting my recovery and acknowledging the me that used to be who was off medication and the me that takes them with the knowledge that they are changing. Change is terrific. If there was no change there would be no potential for growth and also we would never be sick. Sickness is an opportunity to grow if you look at it from a perspective of recovery. So basically I just want to say that my drug related injury does not clash with recovery. In fact, I was very active in my treatment team meetings and eventually told them after close to two years in the hospital that "after reading a little bit about quantum physics, I think the medication works." This is totally for me. But usually I was injected with meds and isolated. They say that this is "taking medication" but I believe in the right to refuse medication. That means that if you are having someone force it on you you are not "taking medication". This is just my view point. And Doctors would agree, they would say you are being uncooperative. Thats what they call me in the community now...uncooperative because I had a whole team of specialists the police, and mental health worker in my apartment for long time and eventually they had to leave me there just sitting. That sure showed them! No it really did. It was a lesson for all of us. I think that the police backed down a lot. Now I feel more comfortable with them...even though I had to hide in a Christian bookstore with one of my staff when I saw a cop car go by one day! That was for fun. The guy hates religion. So I saw an opportunity. Community integration. The shopkeeper was very kind. I am only very recently getting over my problem and having this board to fall back on and support is very helpful for me. I hope that I don't take it for granted and that we all respect one another. Even though I have certain viewpoints about my disability status it does not impede in the ability to communicate. What really impedes is the idea that I have an illness and then going along with the fact that I deserve to suffer. No, there is a way out. And I only hope other people can see this way because I cannot all the time. Thats why Im very scared after my hospital stay and very exhausted! But I am learning that with a good attitude you can change the lousiest of situations into opportunities. To be a better person even. At the least. I am constantly beating myself up! I am even worried what other people will think about my new found freedom in recovery. I should not be concerned because I now know what it is like. Unfortunately I went the hard road and tried to avoid it. Never knowing that it was what I needed...now I have trouble doing the simplest of things because I am so self-conscious of my behavior. I think I am always doing the wrong thing. Its because I blame myself for my past which wasn't my fault. And and and. It comes down to having the insight to see past the faults and to look at the fullness. I am very excited to see what kind of help I can find here and am very willing to embrace any form of community. I look at this as a first step in my recovery that I can openly appreciate. It all happened because of the kindness of the psychiatrist. I cannot think enough about how all of my problems dissintegrated when I realized he cared about my disability. I was willing to take the medication and even spontaneously it came out in my writing as my only wish. Because I had so much trouble with it...I tried to get myself out of it. Now I feel bad for doing this...but it was not my fault like I said. I was isolated and forced to take the medication myself. I believed (perception - negative) that I could get them back somehow or prove myself by not taking the medication secretly. I just felt hurt that they would do that to me and that was my way of responding. I argued the medication in court and I felt like it was the only way...I made the decision and that was it. There was no backing out. But actually I had made the promise to myself that I would take the medication and so I was able to keep the promise for another full year. This astounded everyone even when I was struggling so hard. They would say, wow dan, you're doing really well now its amazing but I never could see through. But in writing it means a lot. The little mistake I made cost me everything but it turned out that by keeping my promise about the medication I was allowed to return to my apartment without guardianship. I am constantly trying to keep up with my promise and it is not easy. Because some people might think that I broke it. But I proved that I never broke it because the medication was never "taken." So I went back to injections for many months. I did not "cheek" the pills. And in the end the Psychiatrist even said, we don't have any reports of you cheeking your pills. But I will say that it was quite overwhelming because one might say that I did do that two times. That was a very big deal to me. It was my act of defiance. And after that I was tackled to the ground and got many a beating. It sure felt like a beating. Some days I felt like I was run over by a trailor truck. I just couldn't stand the medication and it was the right time to stop it even if everyone in the world didn't agree. I had the guts and the glory. Funny thing is...it made me a better person because I have to live with that act. I am not proud of it and I am also not not proud of it. I live up to it. I must live in the present and take responsibility for my actions and that is what I am doing right now. Part of that is taking my medication. And integrating into the community. This was all my initial plan to begin with until I realized that I was defiant and non-responsive to help. So now I am still at the crossroads. I believe I am a little bit on the bad side. So I have to keep proving to myself and others that my goodness prevails. Part of that is making progress by joining groups like this and owing up to my disability. Part of it is the Doctor's jobs to recognize me for who I am. Disabled and not troubled. I am a human being. I lived life so perfect for quite a while receiving injections until they moved me from the acute unit. Then I was forced to "take medication." I hated this and it changed my life forever. Then I forced myself to "stop taking medication." It was only right. I don't know if it justifies anything to make excuses for questionable behavior or even if we can say I was delusional so it doesn't matter. All I can say is that if I had really wanted to do bad then I probaly would be still in the hospital. So at the very least that is a testimony of my survival and recovery. It all comes back to the little creeping thoughts that I have done something wrong. The real question I have in my mind though is how can I fix this. And every day I remember my committment is a happy and joyous day. I never gave up on myself and as a result others never gave up on me. But still they might have creeping thoughts too because I still have creeping thoughts even after a year and a half of being tormented by my action that I can never forget...two days of no medication. But I realized that I have to move on and not let it get to me. The first thing that I wanted to make sure of was to forgive myself for dissapointing the nurse who was giving the medication that I was not taking secretly. So that could have been a huge battle in my mind but I let it go. I was able to let go of the whole situation even in the hospital eventually and communicate it in group. Now when I read the story of other people who have recovery related life events I can understand myself and others. I don't want to sound like a hero or anything because obviously I am far away. But I think we can all agree that I am doing better from this little letter. I still want to isolate. I still want to read! I want to run away from myself - the self that didn't take the medication > at least here I can be who I really am. Honest. Truthful. Straight to the point. And forgiving.

Hello GP, and welcome to NeuroTalk! There are so many fine people here. Loads of forums, jump in whenever you feel like it.

Word of advice: Break up your posts into paragraphs, preferably small ones. A lot of people here have a hard time reading posts that are large and all bunched together.

Here are a few links to forums that you may be interested in.

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum28.html

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum30.html

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum72.html

Thanks for the warm welcome.

I will try to keep my ... nevermind.

(mouth ______)

I will try to keep smiling!

Welcome to our community

Please feel comfortable to let it out. You can preview and read it and polish it a little if you want.

You're probably over my head with what's gone on and the whys of it all, so I'll not ask for more than you want to share. the name of the med would be interesting to know, though.

It is what it is, you know. Not everyone CAN be a rocket scientist. Acceptance is healing. Don't be so hard on yourself right now. Sounds like you've been through a lot... We all struggle to some degree. I realize some more than others.

I'm sure there's much more to read. You're very deep.

No human is perfect. We're a work in progress.

You surely are troubled and tournmented.

I pray you find peace. I need peace too... we all need peace

"You surely are troubled and tormented"

Exactly! I just wrote this other post and it made me feel a lot better in response to one of your replies. There's nothing wrong with that. I think those two things go together: being troubled and tormented and there being nothing wrong with that if you know what I mean...like, so I can share and recover and not feel like a sick guy. I am writing this post at the exact moment of my emotional feelings.

welcome garchen you share you name with a man who overcome many things ? but we all need help from doctors/ and medicine, hope nt can add to your peace and well being here,s a link to our forum they will understand your meds issues also living in the community
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum40.html

Thanks for showing me to the forums I really appreciate it. I think I am getting the hang of things a little bit. I will try not to sob so much from now on and also not get too enthralled...that's right isn't that the bipolar forum? Just kidding. Obviously it should be about medical issues and the Schizophrenia forum is really neat. I'm just trying to understand and communicate my joy. I also wanted to mention that today I realized what "bad" means and that you don't have to be bad if you don't want to be. You can take medication. Thats just part of the goal Im working to achieve. I don't know if medication gets rid of the bad but Im sure that the person I saw when I wasn't taking the medication is very different from the person taking the medication. So

Getting used to it is not easy because it is one of those things where if you screw up once its like the end of the world.

So I try to keep up with things. Even though I am stuck. What was a major leap for me was getting over the whole victim thing and realizing that I was in a trap. And then actually getting out of it. That helped me tremendously.

Then I was able to see that the medication was not all bad and that I had been making a bigger deal of it then I should have and it could have been part of my illness. It makes sense though that they don't diagnose me as schizophrenic when I have the drug related injury of schizophrenia. Just a thought.